Collage 134               H u m o u r N e t               11 SEP 95

Although I did not get to watch the Emmy Awards last night, I did
get to hear the good news: Jonny Cochran, from the O.J. Defense
Demonstration Team, took a well-deserved "Best Actor" award,
upsetting Bob Packwood, Lisa-Marie Presley, and the Menedez brothers.

Speaking of Senator Packwood, Collage 134 opens with another David
Letterman "Top Ten" list: "Top Ten Surprises in the Packwood
Diaries," with thanks to Sue Trowbridge and the TOPTEN list.

The rest of the Collage is provided with many thanks to Lorraine.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE PACKWOOD DIARIES

10. Often writes letters to "Penthouse" signed "Packing Wood in
    Washington"

 9. Had a brief sexual encounter with the Liberty Bell

 8. Those creepy Calvin Klein commercials?  Packwood's idea

 7. Admits to having a schoolgirl crush on Phil Gramm

 6. Woke up naked one morning in the lap of the Abraham Lincoln
    statue

 5. Once broke into Frank Perdue warehouse and spent entire weekend
    groping chicken parts

 4. Has recurring dream where he gets to second base with Betsy Ross

 3. Once cold-cocked by Janet Reno

 2. Refers to his tongue as "the ethics probe"

 1. Has had more sex on his desk than Newt Gingrich

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Psychiatrists say that one out of every four people is mentally ill.
Ask three friends about their mental health. If they're okay, then
you're the one.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Victor, after a long, hard day's work, decides he needs some
relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds
the madame. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one
girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a word of English.

"I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So
they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going
full whack the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" which
Victor assumes to mean "great," "fantastic," etc., so he continues
unperturbed.

The following day he is at a golf meeting with a wealthy,
prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way
he can. Just then the client tees off and gets a hole in one.
This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly-found Chinese
phrase ...

"Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclames, to which the client replies,

"Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

NEW GOVERNMENT TRAVEL REGULATIONS

Due to budget constraints, the following policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official Government business. The
policies are effective immediately.

TRANSPORTATION:
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly
encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all
employees prior to their departure on Government business trips.
Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. Airline tickets
will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and
the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is
scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling
to Detroit, then traveling to Detroit will be substituted for travel
to Seattle.

LODGING:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while
on Government business. If weather permits, public areas such as
parks and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites.
Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

MEALS:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It
should be noted that certain grocery chains such as Luckys and Vons
stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire
meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also
become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein
sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can
eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for
employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed
an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own
food while on Government business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam (tm),
pork n' beans, and beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your
leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly
preparation.

ENTERTAINMENT:
Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such
extravangances are required, others should be encouraged to "pick up
the tab." Such action will save Government money and convince
everyone that we are concerned about spending money on useless
frivolities. Similarly, the hospitality provided to our visitors
should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant
dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near the
dumpster and a garden hose will be made available so liquid
refreshment can be provided for our guests.

MISCELLANEOUS:
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our
team effort to save Government dollars. One enterprising individual
has already suggested that money could be raised during airport
layover periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In
support of this idea, "red caps" will be issued to all employees
prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping travelers
with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses also
will be made available to employees so that sales may be made as
time permits.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A boy and his dad are walking through the park, and see two dogs
going at it, and, of course, the little boy asks his dad what they
are doing. The father pauses, and says "Well son, they are making
puppies," and is surprised when the little boy just nods. A couple
of nights later, a terrible thunderstorm awakens and frightens the
little boy, who rushes into his parents' room, catching them in the
act. "Mom! Dad! What are you doing?" The father looks up, pulls
the covers up and says "Well son, uhm, we're making a baby."

The little boy jumps up and down, barely able contain his excitement
and yells, "ROLL HER OVER DADDY, I WANT A PUPPY!!!!!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Subject: British Children's answers to Church School questions

*Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark

*The fifth commandment is Humor thy Father and Mother

*Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night

*When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus, she went off and
 sang the Magna Carta.

*Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods.

*Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.

*The pope lives in a vacuum.

*Paraffin is next in order after seraphim.

*The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the sea sick.

*Iran is the Bible of Moslems.

*A republican is a sinner mentioned in the bible.

*The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.

*The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

*It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church
 because the agnostics are so terrible.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More From the Police Blotter

Maple Valley Precinct

162nd Avenue Northeast and Covington Way -- A Kent-area man was
driving his van southbound on Covington Way when something plopped
on his windshield. It turned out to be a hot-fudge sundae, which
the man said was thrown by two boys who ran into the woods.
According to police, the windshield was cracked by the flying ice
cream. (August 11)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Improbable Research Summaries

    Here are some excerpts from mini-AIR (Annals of Improbable
    Research). It is an e-mail journal of science humor based
    on the larger AIR that comes in paper format with full
    articles and pictures.

"The Palliative Effects of Osculation on the Prognosis of
Pediatric Wounds," by G. L. Hansen. It is common practice among
parents, when a child receives a mild injury, to apply osculatory
pressure (i.e., a kiss) to "make it better." This report
evaluates the medical effectiveness of this form of treatment.
[With photo and four charts.]

"A Solution to the Half-Empty / Half-Full Problem," by Tim
Stoughton. The classical problem of whether a glass is half-empty
or half-full has plagued scientists for as long as there have been
glasses. At last, an elegant, simple solution has been obtained.
[With two photos.]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"Plagiarism is an Impossibility"
by Prof. Rebecca German, Biology Dept., University of Cincinnati

At a major university (is there any other kind?), students were
asked to complete a writing assignment. This was to be an exercise
in "critical thinking." Unfortunately, several students handed in
essays that represented various degrees of intellectual dishonesty.
These ranged from essays that were identical (except for the
author's names) to essays with the same sentences rearranged.

One pair of students, who turned in essays that were remarkably
similar, filed a grievance against the professor who accused them
of cheating. In a hearing before the grievance committee, it bacame
clear that one of the students had written the essay and given it to
the other. The student who admitted to copying her friend's essay
did not believe that she had done anything wrong. She told the
committee that, despite the identical sentences in the two essays,
she had only "looked" at the original. Finally, exasperated when
the committee did not accept her story at face value, she stood up
and said, "I only have to answer to two people: me and my God, and
we both know I am right."

One professor was heard to mutter under his breath, "What a shame
only one of them is in the room to testify right now."

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