Collage 135               H u m o u r N e t               12 SEP 95

This week, the annual "Bald Man's Convention" (did you know about
this, Mark?) is being held in ... I swear to God ... "Morehead,"
North Carolina. (modulo spelling)

Amusing as it is that the "Bald Man's Convention" convention is
being held in *** Morehead ***, South Carolina, I really think they
passed up a perfect opportunity for an even *better* convention
theme ... :-)

OTOH, even the name "Bald Man's Convention" isn't acceptable.
According to the PC lexicon at the end of the "PC Primer" (way back
in Collage 11), the politically-correct term for "bald" is now "comb
free." Personally, I prefer "follicle challenged." Furthermore,
"man" must be replaced by "person" (where the sex--ooops--*gender*
is unknown) or "oppressor" (where the gender is determined to be
male). Thus, the NEW, POLITICALLY-CORRECT NAME is the

        "Follicle-Challenged Oppressors Convention."

And continuing Collage 11's "PC" motif, Collage 135 serves up the
long-awaited "Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood," complete
with organically-grown fruit, sexually-offensive remarks, and the
now-pervasive theme that each of us must strive to identify with her
own victimhood--whether real or imagined.

:-)

Many thanks to Lorraine for "Little Red Riding Hood"--and everything
else in this Collage.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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The Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare
plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone
took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes
referred to as "mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this
term that she would have thought less of the person if a close
biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression
conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown
fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people
who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages
between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed
until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this
wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would
help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health."

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear
based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that
regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence
believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable
competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all
marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be
accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked
her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding
sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to
develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded toward her
Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he
put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and
awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
brought you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of
wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous--er--what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but
I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specialist slurs, and, in
a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of
bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide
that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of
intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his
grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of
confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem
and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red
Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her
head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and
her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those
protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma.
Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on
his firm, well-padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you
have any Maalox?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition
doesn't know the first thing about women and fractions.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Personal ad in local paper: "David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Tips for Healthy Arguments

* Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

* Never argue with a woman when she is tired--or rested.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The team was doing poorly and the coach suspected they just weren't
putting their hearts into it. In the locker room he tried to get
them fired up ...

"Why you all are a bunch of wimps. A real man isn't afraid of pain.
A real man takes his pain and just gets mean and fights harder.
Watch this ..."

The coach's assistant brings a pit bull into the room and the coach
drops his drawers and shakes his genitals in the dog's face. The
pit bull gets angry and clamps on to the coach's privates and the
coach snarls in angry pain, then pokes the dog viciously in the
eyes, which makes the dog let go.

The coach turns to his players, "There--see what a real man is
capable of? Which of you thinks he is man enough to do that?"

One player tentatively raises his hand and says, "Well, I'll give it
a try coach, but you have to promise not to poke me in the eyes."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

There was this really overweight guy who decided to go swimming at
the local pool. As he was getting dressed in the shower room, a
second guy looked at him and said, "Excuse me for being so rude, but
when was the last time you saw your dick?"

The heavy guy said, "Well, it has been several years."

The other guy asked, "Don't you think you should diet?"

"Dye it?" the heavy guy exclaimed, "Why, what color is it now?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"As reported in this newspaper last week, the Central Intelligence
Agency has started a new advertising campaign designed to attract
more minority 'professionals' to its ranks. The agency has even
adopted a new slogan: 'The CIA: Our business is knowing the world's
business.'

"Nice try, but the wits at our office think the CIA could do better.
Herewith are our Top 10 new CIA ad slogans:

10. "When you care to assassinate the very best."

9. "This is not your father's OSS."

8. "There's an agent in your neighborhood, waiting to serve YOU."

7. "The CIA: Don't look back; something IS gaining on you."

6. "The CIA: We have a new slogan, but we can't tell you what it is."

5. "A job with the CIA. Look what it did for George Bush."

4. "Tastes great! Less killing!"

3. "You deserve a break (in) today."

2. "Have a cloak and a smile."

And the No. 1 slogan ... (drum roll): "Hold the pickles, hold the
lettuce, New World Orders don't upset us."

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