Collage 136               H u m o u r N e t               13 SEP 95

Taking the HumourNet "Best Morbid Humor" award is the U.S. Air
Force; paraphrased from the July 1995 issue of "Air & Space"
magazine:

                           ***
Under the terms of the 1991 U.S./Soviet (at the time) Strategic Arms
Limitation Treaty, the United States is currently dismantling many
of its MinuteMan II missile silos and command sites. The 2-man
command center crews, on duty for 24-hour shifts, often adorned
their 70-ton steel blast doors with what is now being called "blast
door art." One such piece of artwork features a pizza box with a
missile on it, captioned by the words,

"World-Wide Delivery in 30 Minutes or Less--Or Your Next One Is Free."
                           ***

Also giving the term "World-Wide Delivery in 30 Minutes or Less" a
whole new meaning is Pizza Hut, who recently announced its Internet-
based electronic pizza-ordering system. 'Net users in the Santa Cruz,
California, area--as part of a pilot program--can electronically
order pizzas for delivery from their local Pizza Hut restaurants via
the Web! To check out Pizza Hut's home page, point your browser at:

http://www.pizzahut.com/

For more information, go to:

http://www.sco.com/searchall.html

Enter "pizza" after the "Query" prompt, click on "Query Server," and
then select the first option displayed. (Sorry for the roundabout
instructions, but I can't get from the CGI script address to the
physical location of the page.)

On to Collage 136. I was going to save the first piece, "A
Southerner Moves Up North," until the Winter months, when it would
be more apropos. But after reading it a couple of times, I realized
that it wouldn't be very funny during the Winter (for most of you).
So, with many thanks to Wayne, we have the diary of a Georgia
transplant in snow country.

The second piece in this Collage is a collection of Gallagherisms
(read the intro to the piece)--provided here with thanks to Liz, who
found it on a Web site somewhere.

Happy reading ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

A Southerner Moves Up North

Jan 10 5:00 P.M.
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one
we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and
sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

Jan 11
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree & shrub covered with
a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in
years. A snow plow came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and
waved, I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan 12
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway
again. Shortly afterward, the snow plow came by and did his trick
again. I didn't mind, I just shoveled the driveway again. Much of
the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan 13
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires
for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 for a
chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan 14
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get to
work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable damage to
the right quarterpanel. Got another 8" of the white sh*t last
night. Both vehicles covered in salt & crud. More shoveling in
store for me today. That goddamned snow plow came by twice today.

Jan 15
2 degrees outside. More f**king snow. Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn't been damaged. The power was off most of the
night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a
kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down.
I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second-degree burns on
my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the
ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Jan 16
Goddamned white sh*t keeps coming down. Have to put on all the
clothes we own just to get to the f**king mail box. If I catch the
S.O.B. who drives that snow plow I'll chew open his chest and rip
out his f**king heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits
till I'm done shoveling just so he can plow our driveway shut again.
Power still off. Toilet frozen and part of the roof has started to
cave in.

Jan 17
Six more inches of f**king snow and sleet and ice and God only knows
what other kind of white sh*t fell last night. I wounded that
f**king snow plow driver with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife
left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't
move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted.
Wind chill 22 f**king degrees below zero. I'm moving back to
Georgia!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Why?

Here are some facts of life that sometimes you just have to ask--WHY?
Some people call them Gallagherisms (the comedian commonly uses them
in his stand-up). Most of this list was attained via e-mail from
people all over the world. Thanks for all the recent additions. Enjoy!

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to
buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backward?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would he mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going
wrong?

Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already
there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

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