Collage 137               H u m o u r N e t               14 SEP 95

Lorena Bobbitt--now famous for having excised her abusive husband's
source of aggression--recently appeared on a local (Washington,
D.C.) cable T.V. talk show. The subject of the show was "Domestic
Violence."

I think she was their "How To" guest.

Well, in all fairness, John Wayne Bobbitt really was not abusive,
since he was acquitted of the charges--and we all know that juries
don't make mistakes. And, of course, Lorena was similarly acquitted
of her charges, based on the mental cruelty she suffered from the
abuse that her husband did not commit. (?)

Ah, the American justice system. I think Singapore's got it right ...

You also might remember that it took police almost THREE HOURS to
find the disembodied organ--even though Lorena had recalled roughly
where she had launched it from the car window. That's not something
that John W. should have wanted to advertise. I mean, it's not
like the thing was stopping traffic out there ...

:-)

Speaking of people's private parts, the first piece in this Collage
is an utterly *hilarious* collection of excerpts from letters to a
British (I think) ad agency, in response to an advertisement they
ran for a vaginal-infection medication. It's also a good case for
English teachers to use to get students to pay better attention in
class.

And, on the topic of students paying attention in class, the second
piece in this Collage is a collection of amusing tidbits written by
high school and college students around the world.

Both pieces are provided by--and with many thanks to--the *still*
ever-prolific Lorraine.

E N J O Y !

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Nelex Response Letters
(aka "Why You Should Have Paid Attention in Your 'Effective
Communications' Course"; alternatively, "Why You Should Have
TAKEN an 'Effective Communications' Course")

Back in 1985, Femina magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a
medicine for the treatment of the vaginal infection known as
vaginitis.

The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most
of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was
wrong with them. The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of
the advertising agency that created the Femina ad and who swears
that every single one of them is genuine. Herewith extracts from
some of the most hilarious ...

* My interesting language is English, so you better send me an
English copy of your vaginitis.

* Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge,
unpleasant smell.

* I am one of those with a virginal problem ...

* I would be very grateful if my disease will be acceptable ...

* Dear Sirs, greetings as a patient to you, but I haven't got enough
time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by
myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex ...

* The trouble is my vaginitis and that I am ugly.

* Naturally, I don't sleep around, so I don't know where I picked up
this herpes ...

* How can I get vaginal infections? Most chemists cannot help.

* Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having
sex ...

* My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bed
time.

* Please send me more information about these vaginal erections ...

* My symptoms are some of the ones you don't mention, so please send
me another medicine.

* Every boyfriend left me and makes another girl pregnant, so maybe
you can help me ...

* With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal
infections very handy and unavoidable.

* I tried Dettol, Omo and also pure Brandy. All in vain ...

* My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the
weather is cold or foggy.

* I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news
about my virginia ...

* ... pains during intercourse, even when I am not having intercourse
at all ...

* Please make the woman in your advert turn around and give me her
address. Is she before or after Nelex use?

* I used to have sex 8 to 10 times a day. Now I am very dry. I
went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I
should move to Durban for the humidity ...

* I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with your
virginal infections ...

* Last night these vaginal infections suddenly attacked me. What do
you want me to do ...

* Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it.

* My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone,
but he says I am a bitch, I slept with many men. Can you close my
virginia again ...

* I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant ...

* The first time I noticed my vaginal infection was in your
advertisement.

* So I want you to help me. So I am not a woman, but so what ...

* Our town is too small for Nelex.

* My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes,
but it doesn't help.

* Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell.

* Please send me back my letter so I remember what I have written.

* Please advertise more so that I remember that I have an infection.

* I stopped having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, but he has
not stopped with me.

* My problem is that I feel itching even when my husband romances me
with his erections.

* Please send it quickly while I still have a boyfriend to pay for
it.

* I never told anybody about my symptoms. Now I see them publicly
advertised.

* I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was older ...

* My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex pessaries work like a
cork?

* When I was 13 I sprayed my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now
I am 18 and I need your help...

* Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.

* According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered that four of
them are taking place in my promised one. She urges me, so help me
to help her.

* My new address is (new address supplied) ... but please send your
reply to my old address.

* I therefore scribble this epistle about my vargin to you ...

* Can I get a vaginal infection without prescription?

* Nelex, the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe?

* My husband does not know where I live so we never have sex
together.

* I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem ...

* I am only a little bit pregnant, for safety's sake.

* The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody
bathed after me in the same water.

* I have re-organised my vagina recently ...

* It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I
have no vaginitis?

* I went to a hospital, and even to a doctor, but I am still the
same woman.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Student Bloopers
(aka "These Are The BRIGHT Ones ... You Should See What The DUMB
Ones Are Like!")

These observations were made by school and college students around
the world.

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the
bowls, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct
it is."

"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects
on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

Definitions:

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

More nuggets of scientific wisdom, each one an unretouched classroom
classic:

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the
heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to
make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."

"For snakebites: Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket
for shock."

"For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient
is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use and agonizer to spray the nose until it drops
in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage137>