Collage 140               H u m o u r N e t               19 SEP 95

At the request of the U.S. Justice Dept., today's New York Times and
Washington Post newspapers are printing the entire text of the
Unabomber's Manifesto.

For those of you who are not familiar with him, the Unabomber is
infamous for his unsolicited mail-order bomb delivery service. He
recently issued a 35,000-word manifesto, claiming that he would stop
his rather inconsiderate habit of sending exploding mail to people
if several newspapers (including the NY Times and Washington Post)
would print his manifesto in its entirety. In other words, he wants
to monopolize 35,000-words' worth of primo advertising real estate
in these papers.

Before today, only excerpts of the manifesto were actually printed
(mostly the parts about wanting to see Janet Reno's "naughty bits"),
which only served to annoy our anarchist anti-hero.

Well, here at HumourNet Central, we aim to fix this problem by
printing the manifesto in its entirety--all 35,000 words. Our 400-
member distribution list and virtually worldwide coverage will
hopefully serve to appease Mr. Una.

However, to conserve precious 'Net bandwidth--and since, after
closer inspection, it appears that only a few parts of the manifesto
are actually very amusing--we will only be able to print one word per
Collage.

Today's word is: "It"

Sure, this might take a while, but we plan to speed things up by not
printing any of the spaces. :-) If the Unabomber has any problem
with this approach, he can feel free to contact me at the postal
address shown below.

Also guilty (by association), and thus deserving of many, many
thanks--and several jumbo-size letter bombs--are:

Mark for the hilariously funny "Pullet Surprise" (much funnier than
   the manifesto--even the part about when he accidentally seared
   his eyebrows),
Robert for "More English Mis-Translations" (a follow-on to the mis-
   translations list in Collage 121), and
Christopher for "How to Hunt Elephants."

Have a blast!

- Shalderban Razestwoski
  HumourNet Moderator
  P.O. Box 1-900-HOT-BABES
  Behind the Hot Water Pipes
  Falkland Islands, Atlantic Ocean

- Send all combustible correspondence to: srazestwoski@falk_U.edu.fk

P.S.--Despite the similarities (medium-length wavy hair, mustache,
aggressive behavior), the rumors that Janet Reno really is the
Unabomber are entirely false.
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Pullet Surprise

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on
airplanes.  They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft
and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally
flies through the air.  If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely
to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a
train faster than any before it.  They were not sure that its
windshield was strong enough, so they borrowed the testing device
from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the
locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired.  The bird went
through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major
dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to
check the test to see if everything was done correctly.  The FAA
checked everything, and suggested that they might want to repeat the
test using a thawed chicken.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More English Mis-Translations

 In a Tokyo Hotel:
      "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a
      person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

 In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
      "The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time
      we regret that you will be unbearable."

 In a Leipzig elevator:
      "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

 In Akko, Israel:
      "Lamp Chops"

 In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
      "To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the
      cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
      number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically
      by national order."

 In a hotel in Athens:
      "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
      hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

 In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
 monastery:
      "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
      and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
      except Thursday."

 In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
      "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
      the boots of ascension."

 On the menu of a Polish hotel:
      "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
      dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
      beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

 In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
      "Drop your trousers here for best results."

 Outside a Paris dress shop:
      "Dresses for street walking."

 A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
      "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
      that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
      live together in one tent unless they are married with each
      other for that purpose."

 In a Zurich hotel:
      "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
      opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
      used for this purpose."

 In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
      "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

 On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
      "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
      it."

 In a Tokyo shop:
      "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
      best in the long run."

 From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
 conditioner:
      "Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in
      your room, please control yourself."

 From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
      "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
      Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
      your passage then tootle him with vigor."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How to Hunt Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS:

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one
elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise
for one of their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS:

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
   alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse
   a. Catch each animal seen
   b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
   c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ENGINEERS:

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals
at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or
minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

EVERYONE ELSE:

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants
are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.

Operations research consultants can measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant hunting
strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants
you catch with people who aren't competent enough to hunt their own
elephants.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim
that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one
dropping.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff
will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted
before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the
staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2)
enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch
and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch
rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

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