Collage 141               H u m o u r N e t               20 SEP 95

Well, Orville is finally gone. Redenbacher, that is--Orville Wright
has been gone for a while now. (That's for people like Brett, who--
in response to the opener in Collage 140--asked me who the Unabomber
is.) Apparently, he suffered a heart attack while kicking back in
his whirlpool, and he drowned. Rumors that emergency medical
personnel also found a 20-year-old blonde with a snorkel in the
whirlpool are completely fabricated. (And either way, she apparently
hadn't realized that Orville was dead. Rigor mortis must have set in
rather quickly.)

An unreliable source far from the grieving family has stated that,
in lieu of cremation, the body will be microwaved.
(I'd like to thank Jim for sending me that one.)

I'd also like to thank Lorraine for sending me the contents of this
Collage. The "Boston Driver's Handbook" piece is pretty good,
especially if you've ever driven in Boston.

Finally, "Thanks!" to everyone who dropped notes to me to say they
liked the "Unabomber" opener in the previous Collage. And as for my
mail, well, I guess I'll be checking it over pretty closely for some
time to come ... :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
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SUBJ: Boston Driver's Handbook

The following excerpts are from a book entitled "The Boston Driver's
Handbook," a seriocomic publication that is sometimes hilarious,
sometimes serious, and most of the time quite accurate:

"...the craft and artistry of a Boston Driver is a sight to behold,
preferably at a safe distance. In Boston itself, one need only look
to the nearest street corner to witness the crumbling of the stop
sign barrier or perhaps hear the delicate crunch of a fender-bender.
No one really seems to mind, least of all the Boston Police."

"At this time, no other city can come close to matching the caliber
of Boston's own Boston Drivers. In this book we will discuss the
offensive driving skills you will need to know to ensure your
survival as a motorist here."

Impatience: "The only things that count are arrival and survival."
[The first commandment is] "Thou shalt reach thy destination as
quickly as possible. Everyone and everything else be damned."

The Ideal Car: "It's always a good idea to have a few dents placed
around the car's body. The advantages are many....dents manke your
car a less attractive target for Boston's prolific car
thieves....and when other drivers see your dents....they figure you
are a lousy driver, probably a little bit drunk and crazy as
well....so why should they risk life, limb, and property messing
with you? Dents do wonders to clear the roadway around you."

The New Car: "The new car condition is self-curing, however.
Sooner or later your new car will receive its proper Boston baptism.
After it has been stolen a few times and has caught a few nicks and
scrapes banging up cars and pedestrians, it will no longer be new."

Driving Laws: "The only way you really have a chance for a moving
violation is to hit something that can vote....Any other maneuver,
no matter how blatantly illegal, hasn't got a prayer. Speeding,
going the wrong way down a one-way street, illegal turns,
obstructing traffic are a waste of time because you just won't stand
out from the crowd of your fellow drivers."

Street Layout: "The hodgepodge of one- and two-way streets pointing
in different directions, curving wildly, merging from three lanes to
one and back again, and sprinkled with 'No Left Turn' signs is
enough to unsettle any anarchist."

Street Signs: "If you are in an unfamiliar part of town, don't even
try to navigate by street signs. Most intersections don't have
them; those that do, have their signs set at an odd angle. Major
streets are almost never marked; cross streets might be. It is
assumed that the motorist always knows what street he is driving on.
Consequently, getting lost is a common occurence."

Creativity in Efficency: "Massachusetts was one of the last states
to permit 'Right turn on Red'....As soon as the measure became law,
'No turn on Red' signs began appearing on every street corner....To
make up for this, city planners are now gathering support for a new
law permitting 'straight ahead on red,' and there is a chance that
it will pass this year."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Never Have a Bad Day Alone

Four golfers were on the first tee. The first one drove his golf
ball 200 yards up the middle of the fairway. The second golfer hit
an identical drive but it was 250 yards long. The third golfer
duplicated their efforts but hit an even longer driver of 300 yards.
The fourth golfer (Harry) hit a weak 160-yard slice into the thorn
bushes on the right side of the fairway.

The other three golfers strolled up the fairway and began talking
about their sons while they were waiting for Harry to find his ball.

"My son is doing great, he just bought a new Mercedes-Benz," the
first golfer remarked.

The second one replied, "My son is doing even better, he just bought
a new Ferrari."

Not to be outdone, the third golfer laughed and said, "My son just
bought a new yacht."

Just then, Harry came walking up (scratched and bleeding from the
thorns), and the trio asked him how his son was doing. Harry flew
into a rage, exclaiming, "Not only am I having a lousy round of
golf, but you guys had to ask about my son. I just found out that
he is gay." Harry thought for a moment, then added, "But at least
the guys he's living with aren't doing all that badly--one just
bought a Mercedes-Benz, one bought a Ferrari, and the other just
bought a new yacht."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the cow's eyes.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

From an Associated Press report during the Clinton '92 campaign:

Gore, a 16-year veteran of Congress, pledged to take on the
assignment with "great relish and enthusiasm." He asked voters
skeptical of their promise of change to remember that every
Communist government in Eastern Europe had fallen in 100 days.

"Now it's our turn here in the United States of America," Gore said.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A zoo keeper asked a big, strong fellow: "Want a job?"

"Doing what?" he asked.

"Our gorilla died," the zoo keeper replied. "If we got you a special
suit, would you imitate him for several days?"

"Yes sir!" he answered.

He did very well, until one day he accidentally landed in the lion's
den. "Help!" he yelled.

"Shut up, you idiot!" cried the man dressed as a lion. "You'll get
us both fired."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

These is an exerpt from Ooze: The Journal of Wit, Substance, and
Dangerous Masturbatory Habits.

SUBJ: ARE YOUR KIDS ON DRUGS?

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow
be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or "drugs."
This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are "high" is the
first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health,
their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains
out of the Oriental rug.

KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS: Select the option which best describes your
child.

1. Your child's idea of fun play is: A) tossing a pigskin ball
around B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole C)
inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances
into the human bloodstream.

2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is: A) Bill Clinton B)
Tom Hanks C) Charles Manson.

3. Your child's favorite hobbies include: A) Model Rocketry B)
Baseball C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and
breaking it down into many smaller bags.

4. Your child's pet is: A) a puppy dog B) a 16' python C) a colony
of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under his skin.

5. Your child's breath smells like: A) a fresh, minty mountain top
B) lunch C) an opium den.

6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like: A)
Fred and Ginger B) Regis and Kathy Lee C) Sid and Nancy

7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as: A) a precious metal
B) a Mexican theme park C) a good deal, but not as potent as the
stuff from Thailand.

8. When you ask your child how his day at school was, he answers:
A) he scored a goal for his soccer team B) he got the highest grade
in class on a math test C) he scored a dime bag and got high.

Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions
above, and consult the table below.

0 "C's": Chances are your child is not on drugs. He probably isn't
that exciting either. Kick him out of the house and force him to
live on the cold streets for a few months to let him really
appreciate life in all it's murkiness.

1-3 "C's": Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain.
Put a flashlight up to his face and flash it in his eyes. This
doesn't really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your
kids, and it's kind of fun.

3-6 "C's": You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie on
your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt
with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help him kick his
nasty habit. Confiscate all his stash and send it to Ooze.

7-8 "C's": Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile
nicely at him and slink out of the house. Never return.

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