Collage 142               H u m o u r N e t               22 SEP 95

Since famous people seem to be kicking off left and right, we might
as well mention another name that's recently fallen into the past
tense: Evelyn Wood.

Rumors that, at her funeral, the entire eulogy was read in 17 seconds
are apparently untrue.

:-)

And, appropriately, Collage 142 starts off with a Woody Allen quote
regarding speed reading. (Hey, it was all I could find on short
notice.)

As for the rest of the Collage: many thanks to Kimbi for compiling
the "Tee Shirts Seen Recently" piece. "Penguin Entertainment,"
"Unabomber, Eat Your Heart Out," and "The Ten Commandments of
Mastering Your PC" are provided by--and with many thanks to--Craig.
Finally, Liz gets the kudos for the "Field Guide to Spotting the
Computer Impaired" and "Gard's Laws on Love" pieces.

Happy [speed] reading!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Amusing Sig Lines

"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read
_War_and_Peace_ in twenty minutes. It's about Russia."
    -- Woody Allen

"If I want Windows, I'll knock some holes in my wall."

"Being 'politically correct' means always having to say you're sorry."
    (also in Collage 32)

"Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
    (Many thanks to Dusty in Ireland for that one.)

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Tee Shirts Seen Recently

"It's not the PACE of life that concerns me, but the sudden STOP at
the end."

"This is Your Brain." (picture of Apple logo)
"This is Your Brain on Drugs." (picture of Windoze '95 logo)

"I Don't Do Windows" (picture of Apple logo)

"I Am Not Obsessive, I Am Not Obsessive, I Am Not Obsessive, ..."

"When All Else Fails, Manipulate The Data."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Penguin Entertainment
(Excerpted from Audobon Magazine--a publication about driving in
Germany :-)   (Sorry--I couldn't resist that one. </vs>)

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots
stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a
marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated
by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are
gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten
thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go
by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn
their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a
slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports "The pilots fly
out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads
go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their
backs."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Unabomber, Eat Your Heart Out ...
[apparently by Dave Barry </vs>]
***{ From the UW CS bulletin board }***

I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact, I have it all
on videotape.

The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a
reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale

that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of
the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division,
apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar
in the sense of being large objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am
not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite.

The thinking here was that the whale would be blown into small
pieces, which would be eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that.
A textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty
of understatement when I say that what follows (on the videotape) is
the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you
see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame.

Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yay" and "Whee."

Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like
"splud."

You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of ... MY
GOD ..." Something smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car
parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on

the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium
units.

There was no sign of the sea gulls.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Ten Commandments of Mastering Your PC:

1. Never show fear.

2. Keep a big club handy, but out of sight of your PC.

3. Never let your PC forget that you know where the power switch or
outlet is.

4. Always warn your PC of your intentions before inserting diskettes
into the drives, and count your fingers afterward.

5. Make sure that the TURBO switch is off, and out of reach of any
mechanical arms controlled by your PC.

6. Never swear at your PC, except when you're out of the room. If
your PC is networked, ensure no other PCs are within earshot.

7. Never equip your PC with more memory than you, yourself, have.

8. Never let your PC know that you plan to give it a brain
transplant/upgrade someday.

9. Never install software on your PC that advertises "Let your PC
take control!"

10. Promise your PC that if it is cooperative, you will let it read
the jokes on the Internet HUMOR list.

(Editor's Note: I'd prefer it if people would not send me
contributions that contain plugs for the competition ... :-) </vs>)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Field Guide to Spotting the Computer Impaired

"Are they slow learners or is it a REAL problem?" Classic findings in
the hopelessly computer challenged.

Symptoms:

1. Can't copy from hard drive to floppy disk.

2. Can't eject disks.

3. The word "disk" has thousands of meanings to them. None is
correct.

4. Saving a document in any form is a concept totally unexplainable
to them.

5. Desktop covered with Untitled Folders--look again, untitled
folders are everywhere.

6. "Lost" documents often found in the Apple Menu.

7. Trash always full. Claim they don't know how to place things in
trash.

8. Mysterious things happen to their documents or computer when they
are not present. AKA "computer victims."

9. Highlighting = deleting. Dragging = Oblivion.

10. Selecting or double-clicking a problem? They will always say their
mouse is broken.

11. Their double-click mechanics suggest you to send them to a
neurologist.

12. Computer continuously booted due to fear of having to restart it.

13. Have never read their QuickMail--will say "I prefer a phone
call."

14. Have magical beliefs about what computers do.

15. Describes some flaky way computers could REALLY help them, but is
not yet available.

16. Constantly saying they need more "memory."

17. Using the word "memory" to mean "RAM" and "disk space" interchangeably.

18. Unable to grasp the difference between RAM and disk space.

19. Requests gizmos and gadgets--e.g. "mouse leash" or "disk cozy."

20. Avoids eye contact when talking about computers.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

GARD'S LAWS ON LOVE
(This guy makes Murphy look like an optimist. </vs>)

1. If you meet a woman, and you like her, then she...
  + has a boyfriend
  + is a lesbian
  + has many friends she prefers to you
  + doesn't notice you're there

2. If a girl likes you, then you won't know before she has lost her
interest in you and it is impossible to get her back.

3. If you meet a girl who likes you, and you like her, and she
doesn't have a boyfriend, then she will have one within the week,
and it won't be you.

4. The only way to win a girl is to take her love for granted (if
you appreciate it, she'll get tired of you).

5. If you take her love for granted, everything will just go to
hell.

6. If you don't have a girlfriend, there's always someone to remind
you about it.

7. If you there's a girl who bothers you, date her, etc. etc. and
in the end tell her that you love her--you won't hear from her again
for the rest of your life.

8. About who picks you up:
  + If you're heterosexual, then homosexuals will try to pick you up.
  + If you're homosexual, then heterosexuals will try to pick you up.
  + If you're bi-sexual, then no one will try to pick you up.
    (That's bad news for Brett. </vs>)

9. If you have a friend who knows a girl who is desperately looking
for a guy, he'll splice her with someone else.

10. If you both love something, she'll hate it next week.

11. If she's having a good time, it's not because of you.

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