Collage 143               H u m o u r N e t               25 SEP 95

This week, the U.S. Congress cleaned out the upstairs storage closet
and auctioned off few hundred unused pieces of furniture and other
trinkets. Included in the sale were:

    * A few tables from the Finance Committee office
    * Several lamps
    * An assortment of desks and chairs

*NOT* seen at the auction:

    * Bob Packwood's "casting couch"
    * Ted Kennedy's instant martini dispenser
    * Janet Reno's free-weights & collection of Playboy magazines
    * Dan Quayle's "Spill & Spell" game

Speaking of Danny boy, thanks are due Jocelyn for the Dan Quayle
Quote (the "More Dan Q." quotes are taken from previous Collages).
Thanks go to Dan for "Spousal Tiff," and to John for "The Last
Frontier." Finally, thanks to Dusty in Ireland for "More News of the
Weird."

Collage 143 ... there ya have it, sports fans!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--My external drive is currently on fire. Since the FTP and
Web archives are on that disk, I think those archives will be
temporarily unavailable. Everything should be back on line just as
soon as I find that darned fire extinguisher ...
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Dan Q. Strikes Again ...

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is "to be prepared."
    -- Vice President Dan Quayle

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: ... and Again (More Dynamic Discourse by Dan Q.)

"I stand behind all of my misstatements"

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy. But that could change."

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How
true that is."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress,
especially members of the House and members of the Senate."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history ... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, and Bob Packwood go to see the Wizard of Oz.

"I'd like a brain," said Clinton. And the Wizard granted him a brain.

"I really have need of a heart," said Newt.

"Very well, Mr. Speaker, you have a heart," said the Wizard. "And
you, Senator Packwood, what would you like?"

"Um, is Dorothy around?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Back in the 1980's President Ronald Reagan called for drug testing
for everyone in the White House. His own results showed no evidence
of drugs but revealed a high blood level of Grecian Formula.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Spousal Tiff ...

This husband and wife are sitting around after dinner one night and
the wife asks, "If I died, would you get married again?" Well, hubby
KNOWS he ain't gonna get out of this one alive, so he thinks for a
moment and says, "Well, my love, we've been married for 26 years,
and I just don't think I could take the lonliness ... I probably
would marry again."

The wife is not impressed. After a minute or two, she asks, "If you
DID get married again, would you let her live in this house?" He
knows he's really in for it, and after much thought he replies,
"Well, yes dear. After all, we've worked really hard for this
place, fixed it up the way we liked it, our kids grew up here... If
I did get married again, I'd probably live here with her..."

Several minutes had passed before the wife asked in a rather upset
tone, "If you lived in this house with your new wife, would you
still sleep in OUR bed?????" Our hero is really getting worried,
starting to sweat, and after much consideration replies, "Well, you
know I've got a bad back, and we spent a lot of money on that bed
and it's only a year old... If I got married again, and lived in
this house, I probably would still sleep in our bed."

An eternity later, the wife asks in her snottiest voice, "Well,
would you let her use my golf clubs?????" The husband speaks right
up, "Oh, no, dear... Those clubs were specially made for you for
your height, and the style of grip you have, and besides, she's left
handed."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Final Frontier

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission
took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo
Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the
trucks and large vehicles were two large figures that were dressed
in full Lunar spacesuits.

Near by a Navajo sheep herder and his son where watching the strange
creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The
two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel.
Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the
strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are
just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became
very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with
the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up
a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his
son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate
and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to
translate. Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the
message: "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: SLUGGO Press Release

DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every
person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a
target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there
are too many topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome
any suggestions, input, criticism, or even ideas for new material.
____________________________________________________________
SLUGGO Press Release - By The Newsguy
33rd ed.

(GAZA) A powerful bomb was discovered strapped to the chest of PLO
Chairman Yasser Arafat, forcing advisors and delegates to keep a
healthy distance away from him, Palestinian security officials said.
It was not clear if Arafat was the intended target. (GEUTERS - 12
MAR)

(ISRAEL/SYRIA) Secretary of Fecal Matters Warren Christopher reports
progress from his 5-hour talk with Syrian President Hafez Assad,
despite the fact that all the interpreters called in sick and the
only thing Assad understood from the conversation were the
words "Disneyland" and "hooters." (SLUG - 13 MAR)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More News of the Weird ...

BORED HOUSEWIFE
A German housewife looking for an erotic divirsion from her sexually
inactive husband placed the following ad in a local paper: "Sex
Kitten Seeks Sharp Cat." Among the many replies was one from her
husband! She said, "That's the first time I've seen him naked in 14
years."

THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE
After returning home from a holiday, a girl started recieving regular
love letters from the guy she'd met in Spain. Seven hundred letters
later, she got married ... to the postman!

WHAT A BUNCH OF BANKERS
This has to be the worst bank job in history. In the 70's, three
guys decided to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland. On their first
attempt they got stuck in the revolving doors and had to be freed by
bank staff. They made their excuses and left, only to return 5
minutes later. When they shouted, "hands up everybody, this is a
robbery!" the staff and customers who recognized them just started to
laugh. One of the tellers was laughing more than most so one of the
would-be robbers jumped over the counter to sort her out, only to
sprain his ankle on landing. The other two decided to give up and
run for it. On the way out, they once again got stuck in the
revolving doors--only this time to be freed (temporarily) by the
police.

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