Collage 145               H u m o u r N e t               27 SEP 95

Taking HumourNet's "Best Humorous Subliminal Advertising" award is
Audi (the European automobile manufacturer). In their ad campaign for
the new "A4" (a car, not a paper size :-), they have several shots of
the car zipping around and doing neat things, while the narration
discusses why driving an A4 is better than flying in the Space Shuttle
(or something like that). And while all this is going on, the usual
legalese--the "fine print"--flashes for mere microseconds across the
bottom of the screen. It's too fast to read in real time, but if you
record it and freeze-frame it, the following two messages appear:

"Professional driver. (Cool job, huh?) ..."

"MSRP of 1996 Audi A4 not incl. dealer prep, dest. chg., taxes, license,
or fuzzy dice. ..."

(Ellipsis points added to denote omission of unrelated text.)

Apparently, someone at Audi's advertising company has a pretty good
sense of humor.

And Nicholas Petreley, the author of the first piece in this Collage,
also has quite a good sense of humor. Being brought to us c/o John,
we have the utterly hilarious "Wondering If Windows 95 Will Live Long
and Phosphor" (many thanks to John for that one).

We also have the abridged version of "100 Ways to Annoy Your
Roommate," with many thanks to Liz. I've only included a selection
from the entire list (which is 23K), but the unedited version can
be viewed from HumourNet's web page.

(And, yes, the FTP and Web sites are available again. Let's hope it
stays that way this time ...)

A final note for those of you who send contributions to me: if you
know the author of the piece, *please* include his name in the
message! You will still get the attribution (for sending me the
contribution) in the opener, but I like to include the authors' names
in the pieces whenever possible. Thanks!

Live long and-- oh, forget it, just read the Collage.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Wondering If Windows 95 Will Live Long and Phosphor
By Nicholas Petreley

"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive
with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install
disks, we're about to begin a sequel."

"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."

"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"

"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put
Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk
a matter-antimatter explosion!"

"Scotty, that's an order."

"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta
shakedown."

"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install
disks coming?"

"We're on disk 5, sir."

"Good. Spock?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our
hardware and mutating to adapt."

"Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the
Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows
3.1?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"Will it use a Proaudio Spectrum?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"How about a Sound Blaster?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"What good are you, anyway?"

"Box-office attraction, Captain."

"Bones?"

"I'm a doctor, not a hardware technician."

"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the Proaudio
Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot
the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my
signal."

"Yes, Captain."

"Chekov?"

"We've just entered the desktop zone, Capitan."

"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the
engines'll burn up fer surrre."

"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."

"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."

"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad."

"Yes, Captain."

"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the
README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there
frequently."

"Yes, sir."

"Spock?"

"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The Proaudio
Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."

"Disable the card, Spock."

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping the
sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without
disabling the SCSI first."

"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock." [looks at
watch]"Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these
systems."

"No, sir. The ship is already upon is."

"Uhura?"

"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir,
but the system is awfully slow."

"Scotty, what's happening down there?"

"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can
only process one console request at a time. Even the main 32-bit
systems are blocked."

"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"

"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp
drive." [impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs
and ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship]

"Put it on visual, Chekov."

"Yes, sir." [louder oohs and ahhs]

"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"

"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."

"Bones?"

"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"

"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."

"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved
or changed it."

"Long range scan, Chekov."

"I found it, Capitain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for
the game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King
Richard."

"Patrick Stewart?"

"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"

"No."

"Must be a generation gap."

"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the
engines'll burn up fer surrre." [sigh]"Maintain power, Mister Scott.
Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."

"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop
background!"

"Bones?"

"I'm a doctor, not a quick reference!"

"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP
Laserjet."

"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says 'Chicago is COOL'
but now I'm getting no response at the helm."

["Boom!" as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large
zapping sound, then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway
left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console,
fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage,
yet will be fixed in just minutes.]

"Sulu--take evasive action or it's certain Doom!"

"Yes, it certainly is Doom and I don't mind telling you I'm getting
awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games
around, so what does it prove that it runs under Win 95?"

"We've got...to get...to the kernel. Uhura...notify...the...kernel
at star fleet."

"Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or you're
dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."

"Spock?"

"Fascinating Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have
outweighed the needs of the many."

"Scotty, get us out of here!"

"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to
do a hard boot for surrre."

"Bones?"

"It's dead, Jim."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 100 Ways to Annoy Your Roommate (abridged version)

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on
the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If
he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at
your roommate every morning.

3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as
loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.
Afterward, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you
be going somewhere?"

10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you
are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one
was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep
this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in,
immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your
roommate.

20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your
roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
won't be here much longer."

23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the
pencil.

26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."

28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl
too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.

35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the
others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and
eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the
empty side of the room with concern.

46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up,
say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot
faster with two players."

71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in,
say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about
it again, immediately change the subject.

78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a
speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this
later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult
with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the
worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking
about.

81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time
your roommate goes to take a shower.

82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome
to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the
hat, sit, and pout.

90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the
good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving
you and your roommate.

92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join
you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy,
these zoos just aren't what they used to be."

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