Collage 146               H u m o u r N e t               28 SEP 95

A recent study by the University of Washington found that two-thirds
of all anti-depressant and tranquilizer prescriptions in the U.S.
are filled by women.

In an unrelated announcement, a similar study has revealed that
approximately two-thirds of all American women are married to men.

:-)

And, following through on the theme, this Collage opens with "Rita
Rudner's Facts About Men," with thanks to Lorraine. The second piece,
"Murphy's Laws on Sex," is provided by--and with thanks to--Liz.

A brief note before we move on here: for those of you who have
sent me contributions lately, but have not seen them appear in any
Collages, be patient. I've got *tons* of material, and there's no
real scheme (like FIFO, etc.) for getting this stuff into Collages,
so it might take some time. OTOH, don't let that deter you from
sending material, especially if you come across something really
funny--I *do* sometimes prioritize the really good pieces for early
inclusion in Collages.

One more note: today we crossed the 500-subscriber mark! HumourNet
is continuing to grow at a pace of about 50 or so subscribers per
week. Thanks for getting the word out ...

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Rita Rudner's Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that
when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in
trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.
Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under
my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General
Schwartzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire
and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two
types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy
and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating
goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are
like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never
seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a
black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from
the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three
or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man whom you think might be "Mr. Right," if
he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you
are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the
movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally
and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team
win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.

23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked
him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with
each other."

24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound
like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest
saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your
children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.

26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male
menopause--you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Murphy's Laws On Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going
to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two on the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night--then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.

31. If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had
gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands
on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

34. Sex is a three-letter word that needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41b Beware of wine, women, and song--not so much the wine or the song.

42. Never argue with a woman when she's tired--or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in
the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love
her.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad--stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage146>