Collage 148               H u m o u r N e t                2 OCT 95

According to a recent poll, if the U.S. presidential election were
held today, Colin Powell would easily defeat Bill Clinton. (No
surprise there, right?)

In response to the news, President Clinton remarked that he could
*easily* beat Colin Powell in a french-fry-eating contest. :-)

Probably so. Either way, the only people currently in the spotlight
who have the capability to run this country are Colin Powell and
Margaret Thatcher. Of course, neither of them has officially declared
his (or her) candidacy. And some people seem to think there are
other problems with those candidates; for example, one person
remarked that there would be some kind of citizenship issue for Ms.
Thatcher as a presidential candidate--but I just don't see it.
Anyone who's ever taken a history course knows that if you go back
far enough--to before the Revolutionary War--Britain was a part of
the United States. That, alone, should be sufficient to permit her
candidacy ...

(Lucky I went into engineering, huh?)

Well, I guess we can count ourselves lucky that  _Bill_Gates_ hasn't
opted for the White House (yet). I'm expecting to start seeing
contributions like "Top Ten Ways the U.S. Would Be Different if
Bill Gates Were President" any day now. But, until then, we have
other frightening concepts:

  * Top Ten Ways Things Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars
  * Top Ten Changes Bill Gates Wants at CNN

These, plus the "You Know You're An Internet Addict When ..." piece,
are provided by--and with many thanks to--Lorraine.

It's Collage 148 ... Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Top Ten Ways Things Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars:

1.  A particular model year wouldn't be available until after that
year, instead of before.

2.  Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to
buy a new car.

3.  Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have
to restart it, and, for some strange reason, you would just accept
this.

4.  You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you
bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

5.  You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.  Wait a
sec, it's that way NOW!

6.  Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice
as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7.  The oil, alternator, gas, and temperature warning lights would
be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8.  People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft
cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other
brands for years.

9.  We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

10.  Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining
because Microsoft was putting a radio (probably an A.M.  radio at
that) in all its models.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Top Ten Changes Bill Gates Wants at CNN Before Investing Heavily in
Turner Broadcasting:

1.  When covering plane crashes, reporters must point out that the
plane's cockpit was NOT equipped with Windows '95, and had it been,
it might not have crashed (although they should omit that it
probably couldn't have gotten off the ground in the first place).

2.  Headline News must include a new section:  "Microsoft Upgrades
Available This Week."

3.  Ads for IBM must be followed by ads for Kaopectate.

4.  Ads for Microsoft must be followed with ads for the Sports
Illustrated Swimsuit edition.

5.  All graphs showing the economy improving should be done using
Microsoft Excel.

6.  All graphs showing the economy worsening should be done with
Lotus 1-2-3.

7.  New voice-over "This...  is CNN '95, version 1.8 release F."

8.  Stories about anti-trust suits against Microsoft must include
the words "vendetta," "meritless," and "witch hunt."

9.  All weather maps have to have a big Microsoft logo next to
Seattle.

10.  A five-year publicity buildup for the new carpet.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

You Know You're an Internet Addict When ...

* your connection goes down suddenly and when you try to
reconnect, you are unable to get a dial tone.  Stumbling out into
the front hall, you discover under the pile of unopened mail two
bills and three final demands from British Telecom, the earliest
dated six weeks ago.

* you get fired from your job, and all you can think is "At least
I'll be able to spend more time on-line now."

* an attractive single person of your preferred sex and
orientation asks you over to their place for supper and you try to
persuade them to meet you on IRC instead.

* they finally manage to convince you to leave the house, and you
turn up for the date with a bottle of cheap wine and a laptop with
an internal modem.

* you contemplate doing a bank-job so that you can buy a leased
line, but reject the idea on the grounds that if it goes wrong you
probably won't be able to get a terminal in your cell in
Pentonville.

* you finally open the curtains and discover that the other side
of the street has been bulldozed and turned into a theme park, the
local posse have spray-painted a mural on the front of your house,
and there's been a rave in progress on your front lawn for the last
week:  "Now, when did that happen?"

* the lettering on the keys 'n,' 't,' 'p,' 'k,' 'i' and 'c' on
your keyboard has been worn away to nothing, but that doesn't matter
because you can type 'nntp kick' with your eyes closed anyway.

* your phone bill is delivered by Parcelforce, and Securicor come
round to pick up the payment check.

* you're convinced that nothing ever happens on Saturday and
Sunday because they don't update the Electronic Telegraph during the
weekends.

* someone asks you your name, and you have to connect to an X.500
server before you can tell them.

* you're filling out a warranty registration card and you can't
remember where you live, so you write down the URL of your home page
instead.

* you log off for four minutes to make yourself a cup of coffee
and British Telecom assume there must have been a fault on the line
and send round an engineer to fix it.

* you install two phone-lines and an extra serial card so that
you can 'hot-swap' modems without losing your connection.

* you spend quarter of an hour thinking up stupid "You know
you're addicted when ..." jokes to post to your local listserv

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

High-Tech Computer Sales Jargon

NEW: Different color from previous design

ALL NEW: Parts not interchangable with previous design

EXCLUSIVE: Imported product

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition

DESIGNED SIMPLICITY: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone

FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustments

ADVANCED DESIGN: The advertising agency doesn't understand it

IT'S HERE AT LAST!: Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming

FIELD-TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment

HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit

DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had big argument with distributor

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got one that works

REVOLUTIONARY: It's different from our competitiors

BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a way to sell it

FUTURISTIC: No other reason why it looks the way it does

DISTINCTIVE: A different shape and color than the others

MAINTENANCE-FREE: Impossible to fix

RE-DESIGNED: Previous faults corrected, we hope...

HAND-CRAFTED: Assembly machines operated without gloves on

PERFORMANCE PROVEN: Will operate through the warranty period

MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours

ALL SOLID-STATE: Heavy as Hell!

BROADCAST QUALITY: Gives a picture and produces noise

HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it

SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound

NEW GENERATION: Old design failed, maybe this one will work

MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS: We got a good deal at a government auction

CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY: You can return it from most airports

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE: Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way

BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES: We finally got it to fit together

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED: Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check

MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED: Does things we can't explain

LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

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