Collage 149               H u m o u r N e t                3 OCT 95

Well, the "Trial of the Century" has ended, and it has left us with
four nagging questions:

   1. What has become of the American judicial system?
   2. Can a "mis-trial" be declared on the basis of a ludicrous verdict?
   3. If a former pro football player had to murder his wife, why
      couldn't it have been Frank Gifford?
   4. WHAT THE HELL IS CNN GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE EXTRA
      PROGRAMMING TIME?

These questions (and more!) will now be answered right here by
HumourNet's professional legal advisors:

NOT!

Instead, we're going to answer the FAR MORE IMPORTANT question:

            "What If Operating Systems Were Beers?"

We've already used the "If Operating Systems Were Airlines" analogy
(Collage 124), and we've tried "If Operating Systems Drove Your Car"
(Collage 41) to explain the technical aspects. But you can forget all
that now, because we've finally come down to the level of the average
computer user. If the "beer" analogy doesn't work, give it up and go
into gardening. Or needlepoint. Or perhaps move to Seattle and become
a HELP-line operator for Microsoft.

In addition to the "Beer" piece, Collage 149 also features a new UNIX
utility: "pshift," the paradigm shift utility. Many thanks to Tim for
the "pshift" piece, and to Jenni for the "Beer" piece.

Finally, an administrative note: due to the size of the list, I must
shut down the Web server whenever a Collage is being mailed, :-(
so the Web page will be available even more intermittently than usual
over the next few weeks (until HumourNet gets moved to its new site).
The FTP site should continue to be available full time.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read
the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the
can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on
the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot
like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims
that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in
reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode
when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see
anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and
claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but
tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but
when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them.
Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients
list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95
Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you
have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in
which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a
friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an
import. AmigaDOS beer never really sold very well because the original
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS
Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came
in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can
was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the
design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.
Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV
anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high-
pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer
for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and
referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.
Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk
Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually
seen it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A New UNIX Utility
By Robert Drucker

PSHIFT(1)             USER COMMANDS                        PSHIFT(1)

NAME
      pshift - paradigm shift utility

SYNOPSIS
      pshift [-zzeitgeist] [-rragelev] [-v] [-c] [-wn] [+|-n]

DESCRIPTION
      The pshift operator performs a paradigm shift on its input stream
      within the context of the current or specified zeitgeist.

OPTIONS
      -z    Specify the zeitgeist context.  May be specified here or from
            the environment variable $ZEITGEIST.

            Supported values of zeitgeist are judeo_christian (default),
            postcommunist, new_age, and when_god_was_a_woman.

      -r    Specify rage level. Acceptable values of ragelev are
            ennui (default), deep_seated, and consuming.

      -v    Set to verbose mode.  Normally pshift operates silently; in
            verbose mode it publishes a 500+ page bestseller entitled
            "Rethinking [input stream] in the [zeitgeist] Age", and then
            begins soliciting honoraria until the operator types ctrl-c.
            On some systems it runs for Congress.

      -c    Set to collective IO.  Normally pshift takes its input from
            stdin and outputs to stdout;  in collective mode it takes its
            input from the Collective Unconscious and writes to the Body
            Politic.

      -wn   Specify first, second, third or fourth wave.  Acceptable
            values for n are 0,1,2 or 3, with 2 (third wave) being the
            default.

            [On Sun systems, the logical waves are 0,3,2,1, which map to
            physical waves 0,1,2,3; see Sun Technical Manual for details.]

     +|-n   Specifies the number of times to prepend 'post' to the
            zeitgeist context, if positive, or 'pre' if negative.
            The default is 11.

EXAMPLES

           source $DEITY | pshift -zpostcommunist -rdeep_seated -v +1

      On most systems, the above command will output a hardcover volume
      called "Rethinking God in the Post-Postcommunist Era", in which the
      irrelevence of erstwhile religious concepts is seen to have
      triggered a global, deep-seated rage vis-a-vis traditional
      sociopolitical norms leading to a premature breakdown of emerging
      postsoviet infrastructure.

            pshift -znew_age -rennui

      The above command produces no output, but privately processes a
      vague discontent which it will share if its space is honored.  May
      be redirected to /dev/null.

            pshift -c -w3 -1

      Taking its input from the collective unconscious, the above command
      rejects the failed socioeconomic policies of the last thirty years
      and replaces them with a futurist, fourth wave polemic of
      traditional values, the two-parent family, and the supremacy of the
      private sector that was the foundation of the American utopia of
      the 1950s.  Use a prepend value of -2 to restore the American utopia
      of the early Industrial Age, a value of -3 to restore the European
      utopia of the Enlightenment, -4 for catholic hegemony, etc.
      (note:  Requires grass root permission.  In verbose mode, it may
      also require a $4 million advance.)

SEE ALSO
      backlash(1)

BUGS
      You must have root permission to use consuming rage.

AUTHOR
      Robert Drucker (robert@<deleted>.washington.edu)
      copyright 1995 Robert Drucker.
      Robert Drucker is a trademark of Robert Drucker.

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