Collage 150               H u m o u r N e t                4 OCT 95

No funny opener today; we have serous busness to dscuss. Frst,
there's the problem wth the "i" character not workng on my
keyboard. (These "i"s were stolen from other parts of this Collage.)

Ths wll either be fxed soon, or Colossus wll learn the true meaning
of "ballstc trajectory."

::snip most of opener::

Okay, back to our regularly-scheduled program.

Kudos for Collage 150 are delivered as follows:

  * Scott gets credit for "NYU Application"
  * Liz gets the credit for "You Just Might Be a Grad Student If ..."
  * and Lorraine gets the credit for "A Day In The Life Of A Grad
    Student" (which is frighteningly close to my typical day ...)

Many thanks to all the contributors!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: NYU Application

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU
in response to this question:

3A.  IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION:

    ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
    ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO
    DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I
manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend
passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations
with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with
a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using
only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

======

(The author was accepted and is now attending NYU)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Just Might Be a Grad Student If ...
Apparently by B. Chas Parisher

You can identify universities by their internet domains.

You are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.

You have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.

You understand jokes about Foucoult.

The concept of free time scares you.

You consider caffeine to be a major food group.

You've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.

Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.

The professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings,
anyway.

You've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a
library.

You appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours
out of the day you have to work.

You still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get
over it).

You can read course books and cook at the same time.

You schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.

You've ever worn out a library card.

You find taking notes in a park relaxing.

You find yourself citing sources in conversation.

You've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.

You hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.

(Editor's Note: Some of us have to hope it *doesn't* snow during Spring
Break so we can get more studying in ... </vs>)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: a Day In The Life Of A Grad Student ...

6:30 Wake up and lie awake in bed.

6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner; means no eating
     out for the next 6 weeks.

6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.

7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you
     didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.

7:01 Fall asleep again.

7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.

7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early
     brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

8:03 Arrive at school
     Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today, must
     have gotten more work done.

8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he
     is coming in today. He is--darn. Need to start work on the
     draft due this afternoon.

8:15 Read electronic mail.

8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions
     about the class.

     Hate your TA job.

     Depression: too much work to do today.

9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.

9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company
     and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would beleive
     you.

9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely
     related to your work.

9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself
     about your officemate.

9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
     Feel good about him not grasping English well.

9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way
     around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)

10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last
     night.

10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:43 edit .plan file; write a shell program to edit .plan more
     easily

10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't
     need, and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your
     project.

11:05 perverted daydreams

11:11 read electronic news

     Mid-morning yawn time.

11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you
     are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.

11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all
     the garbage you typed in is erased.

     Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per half
     minute

11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department

11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft of presentation

11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
     presentation

11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost

11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company

12:15 Hunger pangs:

12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola
     from your desk. Ch-ching! You just saved 35 cents by buying
     bulk cola.

1:00 Group Meeting with advisor

1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness.

     Resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your
     advisor.

     Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work
     for your literature survey.

1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for
     corrections.

1:51:02 The 49-second urge to murder advisor begins!!

1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/graduation
     possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/and the rest of
     your life.

1:52:53 Thank him

1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your
     advisor.

1:53:00 splitting headache #1

1:59 Check electronic mail; don't reply though, you are too busy to
     do that.

2:06 More generic cola

2:17 Oh no, it's my turn to cook tonite :-(

2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through

2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this
     degree program and take up a job.

     Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.

2:48 More perverted day-dreams. Close the office door and open a
     few .gif files. Sharpen pencil

3:06 worry about never graduating

     Time to write a letter--NOT! No time for that.

     Rearrange desk

     Call up bank; see if you have any money.

     Have fear of losing aid for next Fall.

     Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format

3:43 Watch the clock.

     Make plans to do an all-nighter tonite.

     Vow to watch only 2 TV programs.

4:58 Notice Advisor leave

4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner
     break.

9:00pm Come into the office

9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to
     the office late at night to "get the work done."

9:03 Check electronic mail.

     Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp sites since
     network won't be loaded.

     Run into "since network wont be loaded" traffic and get the
     pictures into your machine.

     Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space.

     Back up all your pictures.

10:11 Admire pictures.

     Begin work; Realize you need references.

     Realize its too late today to go to the library.

     Sudden feeling of having wasted the day.

10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide
     to turn in early and come back very early tomorrow morning.

     Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good
     mood.

11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get
     on the scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at
     number 6, two notches above you on the scoreboard..

12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A
     sense of achievement!! Yes, today was not wasted!! Return home
     to find your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC.
     Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you had."

     Discuss philosophy with roommate.

1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others
     (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke)

     Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars
     and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to
     defrost windshields faster.

1:49 Realize neither of you has bought milk today. Get reminded of
     the "too much milk problem."

2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and
     go to sleep.

[Editor's Note: It's a tough life. :-) And, for the sake of the grad
student who wrote this, I hope he's not doing a dissertation; I spent
more time cleaning up this piece (spelling, grammar, etc.) than I
generally take put together an entire Collage. :-(  </vs>]

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</collage150>