Collage 151               H u m o u r N e t                5 OCT 95

Apparently, it's illegal to give a lighted cigarette to a cat or dog
in Miami.

Interesting. Is this really a problem in Miami? Are there many chain-
smoking house pets down there? Hmmmm ... I assume, then, that it's
okay to give the cat or dog an *unlit* cigarette and a pack of
matches ...

Smoker or non-smoker, we all know that the most effective use for
the common household kitty-kat is medical experimentation. :-)
And for those of you who are flat out of neat experiments for
kitty, Liz serves up "The Cat Test"--an utterly hilarious method
of testing an individual's emotional stability by proper
application of putty-tat. I took the test, just for fun, and
scored "psychopathological." I think I must have done something
wrong, though--I'd like to re-take the test, but I only had one
cat. :-(

And to complete Collage 151's "animal" motif, Liz also provides us
with "Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect"--a must-read
for any self-respecting canine. "Self-respecting" does not happen to
include Kirra, my sister's German Shepherd, who only knows how to
(1) lift her paw in response to the command "Give Me Mr. Paw-Paw,"
and (2) strut back & forth while Dotty (sis) sings "Here Comes Miss
America." I think this must somehow count as animal cruelty ...

Woof! (Enjoy)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
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SUBJ: The Cat Test

To identify emotionally-disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,
Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet
novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and
aides. It involves three simple steps: (1) place testee in empty room,
facing far wall; (2) place cat in center of room; close and latch
door; (3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzine, et. al., note
that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations among subclassifications
of emotional disturbance. They offer the following guidelines for
interpretation of results:

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE: four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be
found in the corners of room--cat alive, but cold.

2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT: fur scattered randomly about room and on
testee--cat alive, still cold.

3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE): pieces of cat scattered randomly
about room--cat terminated.

3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE): pieces of testee scattered
randomly about room--emotional stability of cat suspect.

4. PARANOID REACTION: testee cowering in far corner of room--cat
alive and sleeping in center of room.

5. PSYCOPATHOLOGICAL REACTION: only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped
loosely about testee's head--cat assumed terminated.

[Editor's Note: For the Pythons on the list, #5 is the same as
"cat missing and presumed cured." </vs>]

6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION: testee in center of room carrying on long
existential discussion with cat--cat alive, but confused.

7. NEUROTIC REACTION: testee asking cat for advice about migraine
headache--cat alive and still confused.

8. CATATONIC REACTION: testee in corner of room with back arched,
hair on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat--cat
alive, confused, and sexually aroused.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the
front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed on the driveway
every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick his face and
growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--a
lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in
their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark,
bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your humans, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of
each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch
them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... Eat a shoe.

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