Collage 152               H u m o u r N e t                6 OCT 95

Well, the keyboard with the malfunctioning "i" is now history
(no, I really *wasn't* kidding about that (Collage 150)), so
we're back to all five vowels now ...

A recent study found (I'm not making this up!) that pretzel
preferences are gender correlated: most men prefer the traditional
"round" pretzels, while women prefer the "rod-shaped" pretzels.

Well, the study only said "most" ...

If you happen to be one of those men who prefers the rod-shaped
pretzels, then the first piece in this Collage, "Firing Time," is
perhaps for you. (Many thanks to Sue in New Jersey for that one.)

Here at HumourNet Central (aka "HQ HumourNet"), we try to find new
and ingenious ways of presenting complex concepts in simplistic
terms (e.g., the "If Operating Systems Were Beers" piece). Continuing
in that vein, Christopher presents us with "Politics Made Simple," an
every-day man's (yes, or "woman's" <sigh>) perspective on the various
political ideologies available today. And in case that presentation
is *still* too complex, Kim provides us with "Politics Made Simpler."

For a real "thinker" (put it this way: I had to write and ask for an
explanation of the punch line), we have "The Country Member" piece,
with thanks to Volodya in Germany.

Finally, many thanks to Steve for the "Nookie Greene" piece, and to
Buddy in Oklahoma City for "B*tchin Nuns."

A true collage. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--I haven't been able to track down the details on this one:
apparently, a man somewhere the U.S. cut off his--uh--*member* (he
first claimed that an angry prostitute had done it) while making a
guitar (in the nude, we must presume). Anyway, if you have the
details of what happened (especially the name and location), please
drop me a note so I can use the story. Thanks!

P.P.S.--Coming soon ... an opener about the guy who cut off his
weenie while making guitars in the nude ... :-)
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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SUBJ: Firing Time

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have
to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee,
who thinks a moment, then responds:

"I think I might be gay..."

-----

Speaking of which:

Q: What's the most popular computer command in the gay community?
A: "C: Enter"  (See colon, enter)

(Is this a statement about people who use DOS ... ?)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Politics Made Simple

Socialism: You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have two cows. Give both to the government. The
government gives you milk.

Capitalism: You sell one cow and buy a bull.

Facism: You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The
government sells it.

Nazism: The government shoots you and takes the cows.

New Dealism: The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and
pours the milk down the sink.

Anarchism: Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the
government.

Conservatism: Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.

Liberalism: Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a
new cow. Now give them both away.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Politics Made Simpler

Tee shirts seen recently:

"I Used To Be A Democrat ... Then I Got A Job"
"I Used To Be A Republican ... Then I Got A Brain"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Country Member

There was a golf club in Ireland that had a particularly strict
membership scheme. The club was situated on the outskirts of a
city, so the officials decided that members should fall into 2
categories:

The 1st category was for members who lived in the city; they would
be able to play golf on any day of the week.

The 2nd category was for members who lived in the country; they
would only be able to play on weekdays, but could attend the club at
weekends for social purposes (the bar!).

On one fine Sunday morning, Giles, who lived in out of town, decided
to pop into the club for a drink. On his way past the 1st tee, he
noticed the club Pro practising his swings, and decided to watch.

On seeing Giles, the Pro turned and asked, "Would you like to play a
round of golf with me?"

Giles replied, "Why, I'd love to, but I'm only a country member."

The Pro retorted,"Yes, I'll remember--but would you like a round of
golf?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Nookie Greene?

A young man enters a confessional and starts to tell the priest the
following. "Father, I am married but I have been cheating on my
wife with this girl named Nookie Greene. I can not get enough of
her. I must have had sex with her at least twenty times in the last
four days." After hearing this, the priest berated the man, for
several minutes, about his infidelity, but finally cooled down and
absolved him of his sins.

Later that day, another man confessed to the priest that he, too,
was married, but was having a torrid affair with Nookie Greene,
stating that they did it at least twelve times in the last two days.
After reading the riot act to this man, the priest absolved him
also. During the day, the priest heard two more stories about the
exploits of Nookie Greene.

On the following Sunday, the priest was giving his sermon when he
noticed a beautiful young woman in the first pew. The woman, he
saw, had on a very, very short mini skirt and was not wearing any
underwear. The woman kept wriggling in her seat, repeatedly
crossing and uncrossing her legs. Well, the priest, not being able
to take his eyes off of her, stuttered and mumbled his way through
the sermon.

After mass, an altar boy went up to the priest and told him that he
was very sorry, but that he couldn't concentrate on the father's
sermon because he was too preoccupied with the woman in the first
row. The priest told him not to worry and sent him on his way.

As the boy was walking away the priest called out to him, "By the
way son, was that Nookie Greene?"

The boy responded, "No father, I think it was just a reflection off
of the stained glass."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: B*tchin Nuns

Four nuns arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. St. Peter
approached them and asked if they had all kept their vows of
chastity, and warned them that they could not cover up any
indiscretions.

The first one said, "I believe that I once saw a man's penis."

St. Peter told her to go over to a large bucket of holy water and
splash some on her eyes, then she could proceed into heaven.

The second nun said, "I once put my hand on a man's penis."

St. Peter told her to go immerse her hand in the bucket of holy
water, then she could enter heaven.

Just as the third nun began to speak, the fourth nun hurried
forward, interrupted her, and asked St. Peter, "Do you mind if I
gargle before she sits in the bucket?"

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