Collage 153               H u m o u r N e t               10 OCT 95

I knew that it would happen someday. The fear had been growing for
a while, but I'd hoped that we could all have just a *little* more
time. No such luck. It has already happened, and there's no
stopping it now. The ship has sailed. The game's over. The
Internet, as we know it, has come to an end.

My mom just got an Internet account.

When Wall Street heard the news, AOL and Compu$erve stock initially
dropped by more than 15 points. AOL responded quickly, though,
announcing that they are getting out of the on-line-services market
and into the pizza-delivery business; on that news, their stock
rebounded by more than 30 points. Compu$erve, characteristically
slow to respond to market changes, is still looking for a buyer for
its [previously] multi-billion-dollar on-line-services conglomerate--
asking price has purportedly dropped to US$1.5M--before formally
announcing its plans to purchase a California-based firm that recycles
modems into paperweights (FY95 earnings: US$375.00; projected FY96
earnings: US$120M; the name of the firm has not yet been released).

Ask not "Is the old broad ready for the Internet?" but "Is the
Internet ready for the old broad?" I think the answer is pretty
clear.

And it will become clear to you, too, once you've read the first
piece in this Collage, "Dirty Johnny Rides Again," with many thanks
to Loretta (who also goes by--you guessed it--"Mom"). (Just between
you and me, she didn't really contribute the "Dirty Johnny" stuff,
but she's going to have a *canary* when she reads it and realizes
that I gave her credit for it. Hey, what's a son for? :-)

Following through on the education motif, we have the "West Virginia
Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.)" and "Pythagorean's
Theorem" (the first real-world proof of the famous mathematical
relationship) with many thanks to Chris.

Study hard ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--I'm really gonna pay for the "old broad" comments ...
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Dirty Johnny Rides Again

A kindergarten teacher (named Loretta) in a small community was
teaching the letter "D." She held up a picture of a deer and asked
if anyone knew what kind of animal it was. There was silence from
the group from a while, and then one boy guessed that it was a
moose.

"No," Loretta said, "but you're close." More silence as the kids
tried to think what animal it could be. One girl thought it might
be a cow, but she was also incorrect.

"Let me give you a hint," said Loretta. "The name of this animal is
the same as a name your mother might call your father when he's
feeling affectionate."

Immediately, little Johnny's hand shot up and he proclaimed, "I
know, I know--that's a horny b*stard!"

================

One day, in an effort to help stir up a class full of listless
students, Loretta asked the students to each come up and put on the
blackboard something that had caused a lot of excitement around
their houses lately.

Of course, Dirty Johnny was the first student to raise his hand, but
Loretta knew he was going to write something dirty, so she called on
Nancy instead. Nancy went up to the board and drew a flower,
stating that the flowers they'd planted that spring were all
blooming, and that was causing a lot of excitement around their
house.

Loretta said, "That's very nice, Nancy. Okay, who wants to go
next?"

Again, Dirty Johnny is waving up a storm in the back of the room,
but Loretta doesn't want to call on him because he's going to write
something dirty. Instead, she calls on little Timmy, who goes up to
the board and draws a stick figure of an animal.

"What kind of animal is that?" asks Loretta.

"That's a puppy," says Timmy. "We just got one of those, and it's
caused a lot of excitement around our house lately."

"That's very nice, Timmy," she replies. "Who wants to go next?"

Now Dirty Johnny is waving more than ever; finally unable to ignore
him any longerr, Loretta says, "Okay, Johnny, you're next."

Dirty Johnny goes up to the front of the classroom and draws a
single dot on the board.

"What's that?" she asks (afraid of what the answer is going to be).

"That's a period," answers Dirty Johnny. "My sister's missed two of
those, and you can bet that's caused a lot of excitement around OUR
house!"

================

To help teach the alphabet to her class, Loretta held up a picture
of each letter in order, and asked the children to name an animal
whose name started with that letter.

She held up the "A" and asked, "What animal starts with the letter
A?"

Dirty Johnny's hand shot up, but she didn't want to call on him
because she knew he was going to say something dirty, so she called
on Billy instead.

"Anteater," said Billy.

"Very good," said Loretta, and she held up the letter "B."

"What animal starts with the letter B?"

Again, Dirty Johnny's hand shot up, but she didn't want to call on
him because s knew he was going to say something dirty, so she
called on Mary instead.

"Bear," said Mary.

"Very good," said Loretta, holding up the letter "C."

"What animal starts with the letter C?"

Still again, Dirty Johnny's hand shot up, but she didn't want to
call on him because knew he was going to say something dirty, so she
called on Mark instead.

"Cat," said Mark.

Well, this continued right thorough the alphabet (and we already
know what happened when she got to "D"), with Dirty Johnny's
hand-waving getting more vigorous with each passing letter.
Finally, Loretta got to the letter R.

"What animal starts with the letter R?" she asked.

There was silence, except for the urgent sounds coming from Dirty
Johnny as he waved his hand. Trying to ignore him, Loretta
repeated, "What animal starts with the letter R?"

More silence, except for Dirty Johnny's insistent hand waving.
Finally, she had no choice but to call on him.

"A rat," sad Johnny.

Amazed that he didn't say something dirty, Loretta exclaimed, "Why,
yes, Johnny, that's correct, 'R' is the first letter in rat!"

And Dirty Johnny replied, "Yeah, a rat ... a big, F**KING rat."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SELECTIONS FROM THE WEST VIRGINIA
SCHOLASTIC APTITUDE PREPARATORY TEST (the S.A.P.)

                ENGLISH

1.  Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
    a.   b.   c.   d.   e. none of the above

2.  ingot:bleak   ::   ingot:_______
    a. tepid   b. gold   c. oak   d. bolonga   e. bleak

3.  pork:algae   ::   green:_______
    a. six   b. five   c. ten   d. marble   e. red

4.  mugger:park   ::   king:_______
    a. castle   b. burger   c. queen   d. Jacuzzi   e. bleak

                READING COMPREHENSION

Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather.  These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious.  Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
A virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."
Correlations of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western
scientists.  Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do
believe in such possibilites, including even a correlation of
sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1.  In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
    a. Japanese   b. Urdu   c. Bengali   d. British   e. Media

2.  The term "most Western" means
    a. Hawaii   b. John Ford's longest film   c. nothing   d. correct

3.  A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
    a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
    b. The sun has sunspots
    c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
    d. all of the above

                  MATHEMATICS

1.  Which of the following is a number?
    a. blue   b. Jacques Cousteau   c. watermelon   d. John Doe   e. 5

2.  If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs
    70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants
    from Grover?
    a. 0%   b. 100%   c. a and b   d. a only   e. b only

3.  Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch.  The pawnbroker gives
    him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five.
    What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of
    its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference
    between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
    watch's value?
    a. 100   b. 50   c. 75   d. 115   e. none of the above

                                           /\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area             6/  \__/  \2
    of the figure at the right.          /     2    |
    a. 0   b. 50%   c. c only            \    /\    |
    d. the answer is a                   9\  /7 \   |10
    e. go back, it's a                     \/   8\__|

6.  Grant McSwine is a repairman.  If he tells Mr. White that it will take him
    about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?
    a. six weeks   b. half an hour   c. about three hundred dollars longer
    d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated

                   QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON

In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.  These
quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.  On your answer
sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a
is bigger, choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger,
choose f if the answer cannot be determined from the information given,
choose g if you have no idea.

          a. 2                           b. 15
          a. the area of a circle        b. the area of a square
             whose area is 10               whose area is 10
          a. my dad                      b. your dad
          a. New York City               b. Limpid, Iowa
          a. something                   b. nothing
          a. a mountain                  b. a molehill

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pythagorean's Theorem

Three squaws were each preparing for the births of their babies.
The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second
squaw placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw
placed a hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so
that the three formed a triangle.

It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day.
The first squaw--on the bear hide--had a 9-lb son, the second
squaw--on the elk hide--had a 12-lb son, and the third squaw--on
the hippopotamus hide--had a 15-lb son.

To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first
proof of the Pythagorean Theorem:

"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
the squaws of the two adjacent hides."

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