Collage 154               H u m o u r N e t               11 OCT 95

About a week ago, a man cut off his penis with a knife while making
a guitar in his New York City (where else?) apartment. He placed
the dismembered member in a plastic food container, but forgot where
he had put the container before going to the hospital.

Okay, let me get this straight:
  * This guy makes guitars in the nude (while using sharp knives)
  * He cut off his member, placed it into a tupperware container,
    and then forgot where he put the container (what, did he get a
    phone call and forget where he left the thing?)
  * He went to the hospital SANS DISMEMBERED MEMBER

What could he have been thinking while on the way to the hospital?
"Okay, now, let's see, uh, Blue Cross/Blue Shield card, driver's
license, Visa card ... damn, I feel like I forgot something ..."

Back to our--uh--hero: His brother later found the food container and
the disembodied body part in the man's apartment, but doctors at the
hospital said it was too late to reattach it.

That's okay. Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce, anyway.
(A politically-incorrect statement. In truth, I don't really believe
that statement. After all, if stupid people didn't reproduce, just
think how *boring* the evening news would be ...)

The man had originally claimed that an angry prostitute had severed
the penis; he had fabricated the story for fear of being committed
to a psychiatric hospital.

Oh, yeah, now *there's* a plan ...

Well, there's one thing of which we can be certain: *several* choice
expletives were *surely* used at the moment of initial severance.
And, in the spirit of choice expletives, Collage 154 features the
HumourNet "Abridged Guide to English Expletives."

The first piece in the Guide, a discussion of the proper use of the
word "f*ck," is provided by Lorraine. The second piece, a very
detailed definition of the word "sh*t," is provided by (and retyped
in whole by) Jack.

In case you haven't figured this out already, Collage 154 is not
endorsed by the Family Channel or Disney Entertainment. If you
aren't amused by such topics as these, then STOP READING RIGHT HERE,
and wait for tomorrow's Collage--which will contain the politically-
correct version of "The Three Little Pigs." (Something even Loretta
("mom") will find amusing, despite the fact that she's been known to
utter the referenced expletives--and more--on several occasions. :-)

Many thanks to the people who responded to my request for information
(Collage 152) about the guy who severed his penis: "Anonymous" in New
York, "Anonymous" in Texas, "Anonymous" in California (are we seeing
a pattern developing here?), and--the only one with any cojones--Jim.
And thanks also to Dominick and Mike, who responded to Collage 153 by
sending more Dirty Johnny stories for Loretta.

Happy <expletive deleted> bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: F*CK

Describes many emotions. No other word can be used in such various
grammatical nuances. It can be used as an adjective (its a f*cking
beauty), as a verb in its transitive form (the game was f*cked up by
the weather) and in its intransitive form (he well and truly f*cked
it up). Every day expressions show its versatility:

DENIAL      "I'd be f*cked if I did!"
PERPLEXITY  "I know f*cking all about it!"
APATHY      "Who gives a f*ck anyway?"
GREETING    "How the f*ck are you?"
RESIGNATION "Oh, f*ck it!"
DERISION    "He f*cks everything up."

The word has, of course, been used by some very important people
throughout the years, the more notable of them being:

Mayor of Hiroshima   "What the f*ck was that?"
General Custer       "Look at all them f*cking indians!"
Capt of the Titanic  "Wheres all that f*cking water coming from?"
Marc Bolan           "What a place to plant a f*cking tree!"
John Lennon          "That's not a real f*cking gun"
Donald Campbell      "The f*cking throttle's stuck!"
Ted Kennedy          "Who moved the f*cking bridge?"
President Nixon      "Who's going to f*cking know?"
Capt of the Belgrano "I'm outside the f*cking exclusion zone"
Ann Boleyn           "Heads are going to f*cking roll"
Space shuttle Capt   "Who let the f*cking woman drive?"
King Harold          "Watch him, he'll have some f*cker's eye out"
Niki Lauder          "I thought I could smell f*cking petrol"
Mark Thatcher        "What f*cking map?"
President Clinton    "She's only a f*cking secretary"
Albert Einstein      "Any f*cker can understand that"
Pablo Picasso        "It f*cking looks like her"
Queen Elizabeth      "Okay boys, stop f*cking about"
Sadam Hussein        "Its only a f*cking desert"
OJ Simpson           "Where's my f*cking socks?"
President J Chirac   "Its only a f*cking island"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Definition of Sh*t

An excerpt from "How to Sh*t in the Woods" by Kathleen Meyer.
Carefully Retyped by Jack Handy.(note: *word = italicized)

(1) sh*t/'sh*t/vb. sh*t or shat\'shat\;sh*t-ting [alter.(influenced
by (2) sh*t and past and pp. forms) of earlier sh*te, fr.ME sh*ten,
fr.OE-scitan;akin toMLG&MD schiten to deficate, OHG scizan, ON
skita to defecate, OE sceadan to divide or separate - more at SHED]
v.i. 1.to defecate; often used figuratively to express embarrassment
<I thought I'd ~ when I had to pee and there wasn't any place to hide.>
or fear <I just about ~ when I stepped off the ski lift and viewed the
hill from above.>. ~v.t. to defecate something <~ watery stools>. 2. to
fool, to mislead, to put on <You wouldn't ~ me about using pine cones
for toilet paper, would you?>
*sh*t can; 1.to throw away. 2.to ban. 3.to fire.
*sh*t fruit salad (also:sh*t nickels, sh*t ice cream); said of a prima
donna <she's so special, she must ~>.
*sh*t on; 1.to ruin, to muck up. 2.to treat unfairly, often by being
extremely rude or unkind or harsh.
*sh*t in bed; to foul your nest; to stupidly mess up your own good
situation.

(2) sh*t\'sh*t\n.[fr.(assumed) ME, fr.OE scite (attested only in place
names); akin to MD schit, schitte excrement, OE scitan to defecate]
1.a:feces b:garbage; junk; unorganized or unrelated articles, stuff
<Never leave ~ in the woods>.
2.lies, nonsense, exaggeration <a bunch of ~>.
*bad sh*t; a consumable of piss-poor quality; generally refers to
street drugs.
*big sh*t; someone with an over inflated sense of self-importance.
*blow (a person's) sh*t away; to kill; figuratively, to astound.
*built like a brick sh*t house; well built.
*bullsh*t; 1.lies; nonsense. 2.trash; useless junk. 3.name of a
group word game.
*can eat sawdust and sh*t 2x4s; is overworked.
*chickensh*t; 1.n. a coward. 2.adj. cowardly.
*crock of sh*t; something false or deceptive <campaign promises are
usually a ~>.
*deep sh*t; big trouble; also stated *knee deep in sh*t.
*dipsh*t; idiot.
*dish out sh*t; to deliver reprimands or punishments; also, to abuse
verbally.
*do bears sh*t in the woods?; rhetorical reply to statement of the
obvious.
*doesn't know sh*t from Shinola; can't tell the difference between
excrement and brown shoe-polish.
*dogsh*t; 1.low-down, dirty, trashed-out. 2.interjection expressing
hot disapproval.
*don't give me that sh*t; same as "Seems to me I've heard that song
before."
*dumbsh*t; a pathetic incompetent.
*eat sh*t; 1.to lose a game by a large margin. 2.to get a very raw
deal; to absorb or withstand many insults or even physical abuse.
3.to humble oneself. 4.an angry demand, meaning to go away, to drop
dead.
*get your sh*t together; 1.undergo great personal growth; become
organized or focused. 2.admonition to hurry up.
*give a sh*t; to care.
*good sh*t; a product of excellent quality; flavorful; generally a
reference to street drugs.
*Holy sh*t!; exclamation of surprise, discovery, revelation or fear.
*horsesh*t; 1.lies; double-talk. 2.interjection of vehement
disagreement.
*hot sh*t; a class act; a popular item; frequently used sarcastically
<just because he climbed Everest, he thinks he's ~>.
*jack sh*t; a negative value; to do jack sh*t is to do less than
nothing.
*know your sh*t; to be an expert in your field.
*little sh*t; 1.person of little stature. 2.petty annoyance. 3.term
of endearment for one who is looked upon almost admiringly as a sweet
rascal.
*No sh*t!; 1.exclamation expressing excitement and surprise; similar
to *Really?; may be used sarcastically in response to something
already known. 2.an exclamation of hearty agreement.
*Oh sh*t!; exclamation of surprise or disgust; when pronounced
\oo sh*t\ generally a warning of impending doom; can also mean merely
Whoops!; when pronounced \o shee'it\ indicates great pain or
embarrassment, or a colossal disaster; when pronounced \aw sh*t\
expresses regret or sympathy.
*old sh*t; things or ideas which have become outmoded; behavior
patterns that no longer work; old baggage or agendas.
*piece of sh*t; 1.cheaply constructed article. 2.bad person.
*scare the living sh*t out of; terrorize.
*sh*t-end of the stick; the rotten part of a deal.
*a sh*t; derogatory term.
*sh*t happens; expresses the sentiment "the best laid plans often go
awry"; often seen on bumper stickers.
*sh*t hits the fan; 1.a violent or unpleasant situation, often in
reference to reprimands coming down from authority figures. 2.a major
organizational shake-up.
*Sh*t, man!; /shet man/ 1.generic exclamation for surprise, disgust,
delight, anger. 2.expression of pleasure, appreciation, astonishment.
*sh*t on a brick; a rude exclamation expressing great disgust.
*sh*t on a shingle; creamed chipped beef on toast.
*sh*t on wheels; 1.someone who gets a lot done. 2.a holy terror.
3.a braggart who nevertheless carries it off.
*sh*t or get off the pot; quit wasting time or stalling.
*sh*t out of luck; having ill fortune.
*sh*tcan; toilet; garbage can; honeybucket.
*the sh*ts; 1.diarrhea. 2.a dreary, rotten situation; <camping in the
cold damp cave full of bats in ~>.
*stay out of my sh*t; admonition to mind your own business, to stop
meddling.
*sure as sh*t; a very definite and sometimes predictable occurrence;
true to form.
*take a sh*t; to defecate.
*take sh*t; to accept abuse or ridicule.
*tough sh*t; 1.expression indicating bad luck, similar to *Too bad!
or *That's the way the cookie crumbles! 2.angry response to a person's
excuses, stronger than So what!
*up sh*t creek; in a bad situation.

sh*t-brain n. an idiot.
sh*t disturber n. an instigator.
sh*t-faced adj. drunk or otherwise intoxicated.
sh*t-fire n. a mean, nasty person; a bully.
sh*t-fit n. a temper tantrum; a tizzy.
sh*t-head n. halfway between a *sh*t-ass and a *sh*t-bird.
sh*t hole n. 1.a.a toilet b.the hole in the privy board; often used
figuratively <Financing the research for a biodegradable bag for
pacing it out would not be throwing money down he ~>. 2.the anus.
sh*t house n. 1.a bathroom or outhouse.
*in the sh*t house; in disrepute.
*sh*t house poet; 1.anyone who scribbles graffiti on restroom walls.
2.a lousy poet.
sh*t list n. figurative list, implies persons held in low esteem <the
person who forgot to pack the toilet paper is on everyone's ~>.
sh*t load n. big, huge, behemoth.
sh*t shark n. the person who operates the honey wagon.
sh*tter n. an outhouse; a toilet.
*in the sh*tter; in disrepute.
*sh*tter time; a place to think things out; discipline in a drug rehab
program.

sh*tty /sh*t-e/adj., sh*t-ti-er;-est 1.inept. 2.inferior, cheap, bad,
or ugly; denotes a state of being that is somehow dreadful, often as
a result of physical pain or guilt <I peed right down that little
mole's hole and now I feel ~>.

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