Collage 155               H u m o u r N e t               12 OCT 95

As a follow-up to the opener in Collage 153 ("Loretta gets an
Internet Account"), I was developing this idea:

"SEATTLE, WA (AP) - Following Tuesday's announcement of Loretta Sabio
acquiring an Internet account, AOL, Compu$erve, and others have
announced plans to divest from the on-line services market--a market
that has experienced remarkable devaluation over the last two days.

"Microsoft, however, announced today that it plans to stay in the
computer software and networking business. Microsoft has developed
several very successful computer-related products, including
Microsoft Network, Windoze 95, and the wildly popular 'Microsoft
Bob'--an animated character who walks you through your computer's
virtual 'home.'

"In a surprise move, MS officials stated that they will replace
their on-line service, 'Microsoft Network,' with an upgraded
version, to be called 'Microsoft Loretta 96.' Originally slated for
release in 1Q 1996, MS-Loretta has already slipped to mid-1997.

"According to an unreliable source close to the water cooler at
Microsoft, MS-Loretta will be a kindergarten teacher who will walk
you through a virtual 'Internet Classroom.' You can send mail by
writing on the blackboard, perform FTP downloads by taking toys from
the play box, and surf the Web by turning on the television and
roaming through the 'channels.' URLs in the relational database are
represented by 'children' in the classroom ('childrens,' if you live
in Newark or Atlanta). You can point and click on any 'child' to
communicate with that person, or to share new toys.

"To help the novice 'Net user feel more secure, MS-Loretta will
often appear confused about what to do next, will sometimes forget
how to retrieve toys from the playbox, and will occasionally ask you
if being 'hooked up to the network mean[s] that everyone on the
Internet can see what you're doing.' These problems are easily
resolved by purchasing an MS-Loretta 'health care' agreement. The
health-care agreement conveniently includes an option for
'supervised care' in the event MS-Loretta *really* starts acting up
(which is bound to happen sooner or later--after all, it's a
Microsoft product)."

 ... ?

Well, luckily, at that point, I suffered writer's block--but the
opener had already grown pretty long, so it was about time to
introduce the humorous stuff, anyway. (I did take the time to
copyright the "MS-Loretta" concept, though--*and* my 'MS-OJ'
concept: a way to quickly _remove_ MS-Bob and MS-Loretta from the
system once you've become somewhat computer savvy--and Loretta &
Bob start getting in the way. :-)

So, as promised in Collage 154, the first piece in today's Collage
is "The Politically-Correct Version of the Three Little Pigs," with
thanks to Lorraine (who also brought us the very popular "Politically
Correct Little Red Riding Hood" (Collage 135)). If you're not current
in your PC-speak, Lorraine also serves up some selected PC phrases
with which to augment/correct your vocabulary.  (For a more complete
list, see the "PC Handbook," Collage 11.)

And in case you've had just a *little* too much political correctness
in your syntactical diet lately, we close this Collage with a counter-
point: "White Male Oppression Awareness Month," with many thanks to
Matt.

Enjoy! (Am I allowed to say that?)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Three Little Pigs (Politically Correct Version)
by James Finn Garner (author of "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories")

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual
respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that
were indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house. One
pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house
of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a
small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with
their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination.

But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big bad
wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry,
in both a physical and an ideological sense. When the pigs saw the
wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the
house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs,
let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs
defending their homes and culture."

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest
destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot
pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up
the land and started a banana plantation.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and
shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic
oppressor!"

At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to himself :
"They are so childlike in their ways. It will be a shame to see
them go, but progress cannot be stopped."

So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks.
The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their
heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a
time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each
unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as will as
native curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and
shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote
letters of protest to the United Nations.

By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the
situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and
puffed, and huffed and puffed, the grabbed his chest and fell over
dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many
fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a
little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to
liberate their homeland. They grathered together a band of other
pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of
porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket
launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal
affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free
education, universal health care, and affordable housing for
everyone.

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct.
No actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Selected PC Phrases

Cerebrally challenged: stupid
Chronologically gifted: old
Client of the correctional system: prisoner
Economically marginalized: poor
Follicularly challenged: bald
Melanin-impoverished: white
Motivationally dispossessed: lazy
Person of substance: fat
Vehicle-appearance specialist: car washer
Street activity index: crime rate
Residentially challenged: homeless
Aesthetically challenged: ugly
Fiscally challenged institution: bankrupt savings and loan
Geological correction: earthquake

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: White Male Oppression Awareness Month

Gosh, you know... I see things like "domestic violence awareness
month" and "black history awareness month" but never anything that
pertains to anyone who's white and male...

So I propose:

White Male Oppression Awareness Month!

The month chosen will be January. Reasons:

1) It's the first month. White males should always come first
because we oppress everyone.

2) It's also a 31 day month. White males deserve to get the most.

3) Being a winter month, we can force everyone to watch our parade
and speeches in cold weather. This is acceptable because white
males get off on watching other people suffer.

4) This gives the rest of the people 11 months to complain about
what white males did the first month...

CALENDAR OF EVENTS:

Jan 1st: Start of a new year of oppressing everyone! IRS joins in
on the fun by delivering 1040 forms.

Jan 2nd: "Starve Minority Children Day." White males return
unwanted Xmas gifts and spend money on 4-wheel-drive vehicles and
fishing boats instead of mailing it to the government to spend on
progressive social programs.

Jan 10th: Superbowl Sunday. Official day for white males beat to
their wives, thereby providing necessary work for people manning
(or "womanning" </vs>) shelter hot lines.

Jan 15th: Official "Riot and Looting" day! Day for disgruntled
white males to loot and burn down stores as a means of political
expression. Since it's so cold, however, most white males stay
home. This explains why we never successfully trash anything.
Maybe we should change this to June ...

Jan 16th: Request Federal aid for rebuilding our cities after the
riots. Since no riots occurred, funds are redirected to <deleted>
beer research.

[Editor's Note: Sorry--that one really wasn't even *marginally*
amusing, and had to be censored. I do this very rarely, and only
in the event of extreme emergency. The "beer research" comment is
mine. </vs>]

Jan 17th: Rally honoring custodial fathers who collect from the
$100-billion dollar welfare system. All 10 of them ...

Jan 20th: White male migration day. Millions of white males grab
their children and run for Tiajuana demanding Mexico pay for free
medical care, housing, and education.

Jan 21st: Didn't work. White males return home and beg their
bosses for their jobs back.

Jan 22nd: Most white males rehired. This is the only day that
employers may post listings: "White males encouraged to apply."

Jan 25th: Equinox. Days start getting longer and nights shorter.
White males use this to oppress people somehow ...

Jan 31st: End of White Male Month: "Destroy the Environmont"
*JAMBOREE!* White males drive cross country in an effort to burn all
the gas we won in the gulf war. This results in global warming,
making next year's parade more bearable ...

=====

Disclaimer: This disclaimer is necessary for anyone who makes race
comments or jokes about non-white-males. Author claims to not be
racist or horrible. If the reader wishes to retaliate in some
fashion, he may do so against other white males or the author's
unborn children in a fashion acceptable under federal law.

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