Collage 157               H u m o u r N e t               16 OCT 95

I recently saw a bumper sticker that read:

          LOVE IS GRAND
     DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND

A bit of a conservative estimate, but a pretty realistic treatment
of the subject matter, nonetheless.

And for those of you who are confused about such things as love,
this Collage is for you. In this issue, we cover everything from
dating to divorce--plus a little bit of what you can expect during
the months in-between. We even provide you with a complete set of
very useful pick-up lines (useful, that is, if remaining chaste is
in your game plan).

Kudos are presented as follows:

  * Matt takes credit for the "Dating Dictionary" piece

  * Scott assumes responsibility for "Cheesy Pick-Up Lines" (although
    he *claims* to have not uised any of them himself) (yeah, right,
    Scott :-)

  * Brenda gets the kudos for the "Last Ten Things Any Man/Woman
    Would Say" (WARNING: These lines are for experienced couples
    only! Do not try using them until your relationship is well
    established.)

  * Lorraine closes with the penultimate topic for a Collage on
    male-female relationships: "Thoughts on Divorce" (Note that the
    name "Lorraine" is different from the name "Loretta"; Lorraine
    assumes no responsibility for me ....) (Well, neither would
    Loretta if she had the choice.)

Many thanks to all the contributors. And for a follow-up Collage, stay
tuned for the Consumer Reports' guide to girlfriends (coming soon).

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Dating Dictionary

ATTRACTION
the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE
the delusion that one woman somehow differs from another.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
what occurs when two extremely horny--but not entirely choosy--
people meet.

DATING
the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy
to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL
avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills,
inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY
a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT
a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she
is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily
due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes
are not located in her chest.

FRIEND
a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man
as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING
a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the
talking.

IRRITATING HABIT
what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two
people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY
how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC
a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he
does.

SOBER
a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cheesy Pick Up Lines

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?...Or do I have to walk by again?

2. Do you sleep on your stomach?...no?....Can I?

3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? I can easily see myself in your
pants.

4. Tomorow morning, do you want me to call you or nudge you?

5. Your parents must be bakers cuz they sure put out a great set of buns!

6. Your parents must be theives cuz someone stole the stars from the sky
and put them in your eyes.

7. Do you have a quarter? I promised I would call my mother as soon as
I fell in love.

8. Do you have some irish in you? Would you like a little irish in you?

9. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

10. Would you like to go home for a pizza and a f*ck?... *slap!*...
...what? you don't like pizza?

11. Your legs must be tired cuz you've been running through my mind all
night.

13. If I told you I liked your body would you hold it against me?

14. That shirt looks great on you but it'd look even better on my
floor.

15. I heard milk was good for your body, but damn! You must drink gallons
at a time!

16. Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.

17. Hi, my name is Dave. Don't forget, because you'll be screaming it
later tonight.

18. Excuse me, but could you give me directions?
    "To where?"
    Your heart...

19. F*ck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

21. Excuse me, mame, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

22. The voices in my head say you should go out with me....

23. Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just you?

24. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

26. Person A: I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
    Person B: No.
    Person A: Well then, please start.

27. If I follow you home, will you keep me?

28. I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie
up for the night?

30. Nice shoes....(pause). Wanna f*ck?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY:

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf*cker.

9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Her boobs are just too big.

6. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. The chick in "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.

4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I
can hold your purse.

2. F*ck "Monday Night Football," let's watch "Murphy Brown."

1. I think we're lost, we'd better pull over and ask for directions.

THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just
being friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to
douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the
armpits are just too cute.

5. This diamond is just way too big.

4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. WOW, it really IS 14 inches.

2. Does this outfit make my butt look too small?

1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thoughts on Divorce

Anyone who thinks that severance pay is something new probably
doesn't understand alimony.

No man knows how short a month can be until he has to pay alimony.

Paying alimony is like having your television on while you're
asleep.

I sued for divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty. A couple of
times, she tried to kill me.

We had a Hollywood divorce. She asked for custody of the money.

It was a rather friendly divorce; we split up the house equally. I
got the outside.

I'm never getting married again. I'll just find some woman I really
hate and buy her a house.

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