Collage 158               H u m o u r N e t               17 OCT 95

Well, the "million-man march" has concluded after a wonderful day
of peace, love, unity, racism, brotherhood, anti-semitism, and
celebration on the Mall in Washington, D.C. (Note that this is not
intended to be a statement about the *attendees* so much as the
organizers and--uh--speakers.) Organizers estimated attendance at
two million, although the U.S. Park Service (probably a little more
experienced at counting crowds on the Mall) put the figure at closer
to 400,000. Either way, only about twenty people had to miss work
for the event. ;-)

And the "million-man" figure is still pretty accurate: U.S. Park
Service officials estimate that that's number of people it will take
to clean up the Mall now that the festivities are over.

"One million" is also the size that this list is going to be in the
year 2315, given our current rate of growth--about 60 new subscribers
per week, net growth (so to speak). We are currently closing in on
700 subscribers, and span more than 40 countries around the globe.

And it's getting to the point that almost every Collage can be
augmented by *someone* out there; here are a few of the better
additions I've seen lately:

Responding to the "Thoughts on Divorce" piece (Collage 157), Shawn
in Vancouver adds this "statistic":

 "35% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.
  95% of men kiss their houses goodbye when they leave their wives."

Responding to the, uh, *profanity* piece in Collage 154, Dusty--our
D.J. in Ireland--adds this:

 Michelangelo: "You want _what_ on the f**king ceiling?"

Finally, responding to all the discussion of kindergarten teachers
(specifically, one named Loretta), Michael opens Collage 158 with a
simple way to increase teachers' salaries: pay them as much as baby-
sitters. Many thanks to Michael--an elementary-school teacher in
Texas--who mentioned that this piece has been circulated at his school
quite a bit already.

And since we've started down the "teachers" path again, Lorraine
(*another* teacher in Texas--they must have very smart kids down
there) presents us with "English Simplified" and "Children's Ideas
About Love." Many thanks to the ever-prolific Lorraine for those
pieces.

Once again: study hard! (Someone has to--I'm not. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Teachers Get Paid Too Much

I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we
need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay these
teachers myself--I'd pay them baby-sitting wages. That's
right--instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00
an hour out of my own pocket. And I'm only going to pay them for
five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day--each
parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their
children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still a lot
cheaper than private day care. Now how many children do they teach
every day--maybe twenty? That's $15.00 x 20 = $300 a day. But
remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them
for all of those vacations. $300 x 180 = $54,000. (Just a minute,
I think my calculator needs batteries.)

Now, I know you teachers will say, "What about those who have ten
years' experience and a Master's degree?" Well, maybe (to be fair)
they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just baby sitting,
they could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about
$5.00 and hour, times five hours, times 20 children. That's $500 a
day times 180 days. That $90,000 ...

UH? Wait a minute, let's get a little perspective here. Baby-sitting
wages are obviously too good for these teachers.

Did anyone see a salary guide around here???

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: English Simplified

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of
improving efficiency in communications between Government
departments. European officials have often pointed out that English
spelling is unnecessary difficult - for example, cough, plough,
rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased
programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme
would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level
by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the
committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'.
Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with
joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters
are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the
minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one
less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in
print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag
is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four
years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps
sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w'
kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly
after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining
'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Children's Ideas About Love

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, 9

"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He
tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't
get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married
gods."
Robbie, 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."
Andrew, 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it
doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty
good too."
Greg, 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails
nearly as much."
Arnold, 10

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they
don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, 8

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in
the dark."
Sherm, 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good
money for them."
Gavin, 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle
someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on
television."
Jill, 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
Carey, 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough."
Regina, 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, 8

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry
if their parents are right there."
Manuel, 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, 9

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