Collage 160               H u m o u r N e t               19 OCT 95

Following yesterday's "Chicken Physics" piece (that I'm *sure*
was just a major hit, since we're all so familiar with quantum
mechanics, right?), I decided to put together yet another "geek"
Collage, and I got to wondering ...

ARE THERE ANY ***REDNECK*** NERDS?

Maybe ... maybe not. But the first piece in this Collage, "You Might
Be a 'High-Tech Redneck,'" is designed to help answer exactly that
question.

And while we're talking about rednecks and nerds (and redneck nerds):
suppose we were to modify the classic "infinite number of monkeys at
an infinite number of typewriters" paradigm from stochastic-process
theory to apply to rednecks ... what would we get?

Well, Jack Diamond, from the local (Washington, D.C.) radio station
Mix 107.3--and someone from whom I've quoted plenty of material
in the past--has already translated it for us:

"If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of
 pickups fired an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number
 of roadsigns--would they re-create all the great masterpieces of
 literature in Braille?"

Probably not--but if we assumed ergodicity, any *one* of them could
re-create the code in Windoze '95, given--much like MicroSoft--an
infinite number of shotguns and an infinite amount of time ...

(Many thanks to Kim for contributing Jack Diamond's redneck joke.)

Hmmm ... what would happen if we put them at *computers* for an
infinite period of time? That question *might* be answered by in
the piece entitled, "You Know You've Been On The Computer Too Long."

And, continuing on the "geek" theme, Collage 160 also features:
"You Know You're Too Serious About Computers" and "Top Ten Signs that
you are 'Webbed Out,'" all with many thanks to the *highly* prolific
(she has graduated from "ever ~") Lorraine.

Finally, you can't be "geek tech" unless you can "geek cook"; to
help you achieve the pinnacle of geek cuisine, Marc provides us with
the "Twinkie Casserole"--a "must" recipe for all you geek wanna-be's.

Happy [twinkie casserole] bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: You Might Be a "High-Tech Redneck" If ...

If your e-mail address ends in "over.yonder.com"

If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

If the bumper sticker on your truck says "I'd rather be surfing the Web"

If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellular phone.

If your baseball cap reads "IBM" instead of "CAT"

If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

If your wife said "either [she] or the computer has to go," and you
still don't miss her

If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer

If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor,
or farm animal

If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Know You're Too Serious About Computers ...

If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.

When your modem starts smoking.

If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.

If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.

If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.

If you can write your own html page.

If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.

If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary newsgroup, in one
session.

If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look
at a photograph.

You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be
enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on
the houses--they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for
File/Save command.

When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on
the dashboard of your car, to make it go.

When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system
administrator.

When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service

Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home

If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and
receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.

When you order most of what you buy... online.

If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually
met; except through e-mail.

When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup... and
your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.

If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're
exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.

When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.

You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother
Bill's sermon.

When that 112Gb hard drive is full.

If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.

When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when the
engine is running.

When you discover that--in order to drive your car somewhere--you do
not have to enter http://address or ftp://address.

If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car--and
understand what they say.

When you modify the programming of your car's computers and
actually get better mileage.

When you can access the Net--via your portable and cellular phone.

If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone
in your car to reprogram a Tomahawk missile--in flight--and redirect
it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
[Editor's Note: JD would do this. </vs>]

If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player.

When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very
disappointed to find it's on TV.

If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."

If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of
envelopes.

If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.

When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net"--for the 63rd time.

If magazines like "InternetWorld" are of greater interest than
"Playboy" or "Playgirl."

If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.

If you use more than 20 passwords.

If you set up your own Web page.

If you set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.

If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail
address.

If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.

If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it online.

If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail
is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.

If you can relate to a list like this.

If you can write a list like this.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Know You've Been On The Computer Too Long ...

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you say "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D..."

When you dream in 16 pallettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says, "If you don't turn off that damn machine and
come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!"--and you chastise her
for for omitting the "else" clause.

You try to sleep, and think: sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to
the next page.

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the
phone and start dialing an IP number ...

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the
floor you want.

When you not only check your email more often than your paper mail,
but you remember your 'Net address faster than your postal address.

When you look for an icon to double-click to open your bedroom
window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing
the math in octal.

When you need a trash can icon to throw away garbage.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Signs that you are "Webbed Out"

10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced
for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed
when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your
wedding day.

5. You are diving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on
puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that
separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death.
You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again
and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page

2. So has your hamster.

... And the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW: When
you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the
underlined passages.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Twinkie Casserole
by Steve Roseman

2 dozen Twinkies

1 large jar caramel topping

1 bag miniature marshmallows

1 large jar hot fudge sauce

1 teaspoon cinnamon

Dash of brown sugar

1 large bag Oreos

Line the bottom of a casserole dish or large plate with the
Twinkies. Pour the caramel topping evenly over the Twinkies and
smooth with a knife. Pour the miniature marshmallows over the
caramel until it is completely hidden. Pour the hot fudge over the
marshmallows. Sprinkle the cinnamon and sugar over the hot fudge.
Layer the Oreos on top of the casserole. Serve immediately. Serves
2 or 3.

[Editor's Note: For the *true* geek, this only serves one. </vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage160>