Collage 161               H u m o u r N e t               20 OCT 95

The following news article came across my electronic desktop
recently:

===========================
Woman Accused of Sitting on Ex-Boyfriend for Two Hours

NORRISTOWN, Pennsylvania (AP)--A woman released from prison has
been charged with assault, reckless endangering and stalking after
sitting on her boyfriend for two hours, police said.  Apparently,
boyfriend William Narr had strayed while she was away.

Police said Juanita Winston returned to boyfriend William Narr's
liquor store, threw him onto a ramp, wrapped an apron around his
neck and forced him into a chair, where she sat on him until he
would take her back.
===========================

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! It's a tough world out there, and we
men have got to protect ourselves. Being more selective is a start,
but you really need to be an informed shopper in an environment like
this.

Remember brother John? [Bobbitt] Okay, so he was a drunken,
abusive loser. But *lots* of guys are drunken, abusive losers--you
don't hear about THEM getting dis-membered! Selectivity is the key.
The thing that separated John from the *rest* of the drunken, abusive
male masses is that he was a NOT-VERY-SELECTIVE drunken, abusive
loser.

Of course, Lorena got hers: she hasn't been out on a date since her
divorce from John. Not surprising, really ... what guy in his right
mind would date her? I'd be too afraid of dozing off during the
movie ...

Ya gotta learn to be a smart shopper--and the best way to *become*
a smart girlfriend shopper is to check out the Consumer Reports
"Guide to Selecting Girlfriends." Tired of your girlfriend sitting
on you for hours on end? Or worse, using you for moile practice?
Then this article is for you.

Happy shopping!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

IMPORTANT NOTES:

1. Many thanks to Liz for the "Girl Sits on Boyfriend" article.

2. Many thanks to Allan for the spelling of "moile." (I tried looking
it up in the dictionary, but American Heritage doesn't seem to carry it,
and I don't have access to a copy of the Yiddish Heritage Dictionary.)
If he's wrong, he'll pay ... :-)

3. Stay tuned for news of another list that's in the works:
"Bawdy.Net"--for a bawdier side of humor than I run here on HumourNet.
Bawdy.Net isn't mine, but it *is* being organized by a friend of mine
in Vancouver, Canada--Shawn King--and I can personally vouch for his
sense of humor. (Uh-oh, *that* probably just screwed him out of some
potential subscribers.)

Once Bawdy.Net is in place, most of the more risque humor that is
sent to me here at HumourNet will be forwarded on to Shawn for use in
Bawdy.Net. Thus, HumourNet will soon become a little *less* risque,
with Bawdy.Net picking up the difference. If you wish to subscribe
to Bawdy.Net, look for details in the next Collage ...

4. HumourNet's much-anticipated move to a ".edu" site will be
occurring within the next two weeks; the move should be transparent
to anyone already subscribed.
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Consumer Reports' "Guide to Selecting Girlfriends"

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new
features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has
changed substantially. So we here at CR decided another report was
needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need in
a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part,
dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just
lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first,
and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.

The second question that needs to be addressed is, of course, how
much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a
commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the
resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if
you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are
more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering
your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend
can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice; due to
inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
*increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
-------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a
new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age    Used or New
--------    -----------
1-12 years   (see note A)
13-16 years   New
17-21 years   Used, but not used up
22-35 years   Very used
35-60 years   Used heavily; worn in places
60-80 years  (see note B)
80+          (see note A)

Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income $500,000+/year. Otherwise, "divorced."

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage is that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking accounts. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but CR advises that you avoid
models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much
greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was
a professional.

Accessories
-----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will
be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such
items as large bosom, long legs, blue eyes, etc. Other accessories
will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come
pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting
sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories
desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as
children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom)
must be factory installed.

The Test Ride
-------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride
ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from
the simple and dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip
("Dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CR rates as Not Acceptable
"Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer
are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom
sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
-----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an
option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on
the state you live in), and CR questions the usefulness of such a
practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should
reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology
-----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
performed at CR's specially constructed test facility, which included
a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and
taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run,
evaluating each product according to the following criteria:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
-------
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within
each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Category    Comments
--------    ----------------------------------------------------
Goddess     This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can
argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of
racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and
break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that
this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful
mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to
generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right    The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly is the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an
excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited
but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe      This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy.
Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but
not for most long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend     The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you
wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is generally fair,
depending on quality.

Yeah, Her    The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but
useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available.
Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!

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