Collage 162               H u m o u r N e t               23 OCT 95

Okay, it's finally time to revisit the O.J. saga. We knew better
than to seriously expect that the end of the trial would bring an
end to the O.J. humor--and it hasn't.

One bit of O.J.-related humor that's worth including in the opener
comes from Jim in California:

 "Hope Barry Scheck has a good lawyer. He got pulled over in New York
 for illegal U-turn, expired license, and expired registration."

(Barry Scheck was the DNA expert in the Mis-Trial of Century.) What
a bummer for Barry. Maybe he'll get lucky, though: if the cop was
black, perhaps he could try to claim that the whole thing was
racially motivated ...

Okay, maybe not. How about this one:

 "I heard that O.J. will be starring in the next Disney movie ...
 yeah, it's going to be called, 'The Lion Bastard.'"

Indirect kudos for that one go to Jack Diamond, a DJ on MIX 107.3
(a local (Washington, D.C.) radio station). Good one, Jack ...

Anyway, the first piece in Collage 162, entitled "Good One, Dr.
Seuss," is the *reason* I decided to clear the O.J. material out of
the queue: over the last two weeks, I have received this piece from
at least a dozen different people. Many thanks to Mel, Liz, Brenda,
Jim, etc. etc. etc. ... but the credit for "Dr. Seuss" goes (as
always) to the first person to send me the piece: Craig, who claims
"If I want Windows, I'll knock some holes in my wall."

Brenda, Mel, and Jim *do* get the credit for the small collection of
O.J. jokes that follow the "Dr. Seuss" piece.

Speaking of jokes, Kim presents us with yet *another* commentary on
lawyers--and Lorraine follows up with yet *another* set of weird laws.

Finally, since we've (thankfully) migrated from O.J. to laws, Liz in
Nebraska serves up "Terrible Truths," a collection of "laws" from
Murphy and more. For example, the collection includes William's Law:

 "There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved
 by brute strength and ignorance."

Which can be generalized to "Vince's Law" (even though it isn't really
mine):

 "There is *no* problem that cannot be solved by a suitable
 application of high explosives."

Well, there you have it--*another* explosively good Collage ... :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

ANNOUNCEMENT! As a follow-up to Collage 161, I'd like to announce the
formation of a *new* moderated mailing list for humor: Bawdy.Net!
Badwy.Net is for the bawdier, more risque side of humor than I
feature here on HumourNet. In the future, HumourNet contributions
that are more appropriate for BN will be forwarded to Shawn King,
the Bawdy.Net moderator; thus, HumourNet will become a *little* bit
cleaner, with BN picking up the difference.

To subscribe to Bawdy.Net, send the following message to
sking@direct.ca:

Subject: Subscribe Bawdy.Net

In the body of the message, put:

subscribe Bawdy.Net <your name>, <city>, <state/province>

where <city> and <state/province> should be replaced by your home
city and state/province. (If located outside of Canada or the U.S.,
please put your country in place of the <state>.)

So, if my *mom* (remember her?) were to subscribe to Bawdy.Net, her
subscription line would read:

subscribe Bawdy.Net Loretta Sabio, Bloomingdale, New Jersey

(She *hates* it when I use her name. :-) And remember to put the
words "Subscribe Bawdy.Net" in the subject line!

If you would *only* like information on the new list, send a message
to "sking@direct.ca" with the subject "INFO Bawdy.Net"; in the body
of the message, put the command "INFO Bawdy.Net."

This is the only time that I will provide these instructions, so
please save them if you are inclined to subscribe. And if your sense
of humor runs along those lines, I suggest you check it out; Shawn
really has the perfect sense of humor for the job ...
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Good One, Dr. Seuss
By Teri Petek

After months of silence, O.J. finally spoke at the trial.
His words to Judge Ito were...

"I did not,
 could not,
 and would not
 have committed this crime."

Seems with a little help from Dr. Seuss and a bit more time,
he and Judge Ito could have extended his statement:

--------------------------------------------
ITO'S STATEMENTS ARE IN ALL CAPS
O.J.'s are in lower case
--------------------------------------------

DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?

I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?

I did not leave a pool of blood.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More O.J. Jokes

Q: What do you call an old black lady in OJ's jacuzzi?
A: Juror number seven

Q: What do OJ and the Cleveland Indians have in common?
A: They both beat the RED SOX

Did you hear Art Modell offered OJ the new head coach position for
the Browns? Yeah, he wanted him to teach that killer instinct!

I heard President Clinton called OJ in Rockingham and offered him a
date with Paula Jones!

O.J. Simpson has now opened a promising Limo service--guaranteed to
get you to the airport with time to kill!

Did you hear that O.J. has his own Web page?
The URL is "HTTP--colon--slash--slash--slash--escape."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More on Discourse on Lawyers

The only difference between a lawyer and vulture is
removable wingtips.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Weird Laws

In Idaho, fishing from the back of any animal is illegal.

It's against the law in North Dakota to go to bed wearing shoes.

It is illegal in Pittsburgh, Penn., to sleep in a refrigerator.

In L.A. it is against the law to complain through the mail that a
hotel has cockroaches, even if it is true.

A Kentucky law says that burglary can only be committed at night.

In Corning, Iowa, it is illegal to speak to anyone passing along the
street or sidewalk.

In Manville, NJ, it is illegal to feed animals whiskey or
cigarettes in a public park.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Terrible Truths (and other principles of disaster)

1. Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.

2. Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.

3. Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor,
anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

4. Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several
things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be
the one to go wrong.

5. Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will
anyway.

6. Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four
possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent
these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

7. Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go
from bad to worse.

8. Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you
have obviously overlooked something.

[This one reminds me of a poster I once saw: it showed a person
skiing off what looked like a 100-foot cliff, and had the following
caption: "If You Can Be Calm at a Moment Like This, Then You Don't
Fully Comprehend The Situation." </vs>]

9. Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

10. Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.

11. Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything
foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

12. Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person
uses more soap than a thin person.

13. Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9
to 5 against.

14. Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but
several miles from the next freeway exit.

15. Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less
competition.

16. Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances
beyond your control.

17. Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into
than out of.

18. Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere
with doing the right thing.

19. Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can
make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

20. Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of time
known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic
signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his
horn.

21. Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should
be conducted in private.

22. The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number
nearly right.

23. Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the
next thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is depends
on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

24. Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.

[Editor's Note: Especially for me. I really need a shirt that
reads, "If You're Behind Me, You're On the Wrong Line." </vs>]

25. Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger
starves last.

26. Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the
wrong conclusion with confidence.

27. Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

28. Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before
you stop breathing.

29. Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is
one of the leading causes of statistics.

[*Another* Note from the Editor: Yes--especially if you consider
corpses to be statistics. </vs>]

30. The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

31. Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the
inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the
box.

32. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult
that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

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