Collage 163               H u m o u r N e t               24 OCT 95

Remember my "thank you" to Allan for the spelling of "miole" in
Collage 161? Well, I hereby rescind it. Turns out, Allan's spelling
was, in fact, WRONG. The *correct* spelling is "mohel." Heck, even
an _Italian_ list moderator :-) coulda spelled it wrong--I didn't
have to get *help* to do that!

Anyway, many thanks to Kim, Mel, and the Jewish Times for the
correction. And a big "thanks!" to everyone who left the kind
messages of support for Allan:

 "I think Allan is part of Jews for Jesus. Or maybe he's just
 holding a grudge against *his* mohel--perhaps his mohel made a
 mistake and got the wrong end?" - Kim

 "Is this schmendrick OUR Allan??" - Mel

Yes, Mel, it is. And, as I said in Collage 161, "If he's wrong,
he'll pay"--and pay, he will: I called Menachem Plotnick, the
High Rabbi of Israel (okay, so I'm making that up), and had Allan's
Jewish license officially revoked. :-)

So, partly as a tribute to our hapless hero, and partly so that I
have an opportunity to present the word "mohel" in its correctly-
spelled form, I'd like to present the "All-Jewish-Jokes Collage."

Many thanks to Kim for "More on Jewish Mothers' Wisdom," and kudos
to Lorraine for ... well, for everything else in this Collage.

AN UNFORTUNATE NOTE FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED: The material contained
in this issue is intended to be humor, and nothing more. None of
the pieces in this Collage are intended to insult or offend anyone.
If you are humor impaired, please stop reading right now, press the
"DELETE" key, and wait patiently for tomorrow's Dave Barry piece
(which is funny enough to give *anyone* a good sense of humor).

Otherwise, read on--you could use the humor. Just look at you! You
look like you haven't laughed for months. Here, read this--and
don't worry a bit about me, your HumourNet moderator, slaving away
all alone in this little room, putting together Collages just so you
will be entertained ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Correct Spelling of Mohel

A Mohel (now that we know how to spell it correctly :-) saves all
the foreskins he cuts off. One day he decides to make something out
of his life- long collection. He brings this bucket of foreskins to
the local leather shop. "Look," says the Mohel, "this is my
life-long achievement. Please make something special out of it."

He comes back a few weeks later, and is given a wallet. The man is
crushed: "My life-time collection? A whole bucket of foreskins?
And all you make out of it is this lousy wallet?!"

The shop owner says, "But it's a very special wallet! It may be a
wallet now--but if you rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Mohel Practice

A priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi in the same town all traded
in their cars on nice new ones around the same time.

Feeling the need of a little ceremony to celebrate, the priest
sprinkled water on the bonnet (hood).

Not to be outdone the Baptist minister drove his car into the creek.

The rabbi thought for a while, then got out his hacksaw and
carefully sawed off a half-inch of tailpipe.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rabbi Wisdom

A foursome that includes a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a
Protestant minister are out golfing at a local country club. They
are moving along at a good clip until they are slowed down by a
twosome up ahead. They play a few more holes rather patiently but
finally the Catholic priest grumbles, "Those people are SO SLOW!
They should be told to get off the course!"

The Protestant minister says, "Get off the course? They should be
kicked out of the country club!"

The rabbi says, "No, they should be shot!"

The fourth member of the foursome says, "Oh, you don't mean that.
Don't you know? They're blind!"

"Oh, dear God! Forgive me! I will do penance for weeks to atone
for my sin!" says the Catholic priest.

"Oh, God! I will not only do penance for weeks, I will afflict
myself with hardship, to atone for my awful sin," adds the
Protestant minister.

The rabbi says, "Why couldn't they play at night?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jewish Mothers' Wisdom

The Jewish mother's answer to the question as to when life begins:
The fetus becomes a human being when it graduates medical school.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More on Jewish Mothers' Wisdom

A Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Ma! Guess what? I've been
elected President of the United States!"

Jewish Mother: "Oh, that's nice. So, that's you did instead of
finishing law school?"

Man: "<sigh> Yes, Mother. Look, my inauguration is in two weeks--you
have to be there!"

Mother: "I can't be there; I don't have anything to wear."

Man: "Mom! Don't you understand? I'm the first Jewish President
of the United States! You HAVE to be there. I'll have the world's
top designer make you a dress, just for the occasion."

Mother: "Don't bother; I don't have any way to get there."

Man: "Mother, don't worry. I'll send a stretch limousine and
driver for you. You HAVE to be there. It's my inauguration!
I'm the new President of the United States!"

Well, his mother finally agrees to attend--and the big night finally
arrives.

The new president's mother is all dressed up in her specially-
designed gown, and she's walking out to an enormous stretch
limousine, where a formal chauffeur awaits her.

Her neighbor stops her and asks, "Where are you going, so fancy?"

The mother replies, "You know my SON the DOCTOR? The other son is
having a party."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Jewish Golfer

A foursome stands at the fourth tee of the golf course when a
funeral procession passes on the road adjacent. The first golfer
pauses places a kippah (yarmulke, skullcap) on his head and intones,
"Yisgadal v'yisgadash ..." (Jewish prayer for the dead, AKA
"Kaddish")

The three other golfers are amazed, and ask the first golfer, "What's
all this, then?"

The first golfer replies, "It's the least I could do. We'd been
married for forty-two years."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Jewish Wisdom

Three guys--an Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew--are working together
in a factory and are exposed to toxic waste. The company doctor
examines them and tells them they only have two days left to live.

The French guy goes home and tells his wife. She asks, "What will
you do?" He says, "We will make love for the entire two days."

The Italian guy tells his wife and she asks, "What will you do?" He
says, "You'll make spaghetti sauce and we'll eat like crazy till I
die."

[Editor's Note: In my next life, I'd like to come back as a
Frenchman. </vs>]

The Jewish guy tells his wife and she asks, "What will you do?" He
replies, "Get a second opinion!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jewish Religion and God

A very devout Rabbi, deeply engrossed in his meditations, had a
vision in which he imagined that he saw God.

"You look worried," said God. "Is anything the matter?"

"Oh, God, it's my son," said the Rabbi. "He's about to become a
Christian!"

God smirked and said, "Yeah, tell me about it."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More on Jewish Religion and God

Moshe Cohen dies. So he goes to the gates of heaven and someone
(well, we can't use St. Peter here, now, can we?) asks him, "Heaven
or Hell?"

Moshe--always the pragmatist--asks for a tour of both. The
gatekeeper agrees. Moshe goes to hell first. There are all these
people hard at work. Then suddenly a bell rings. It's time for
lunch. So they bring out the food. It's the most delicious food
Moshe has ever seen. All this great foods and drinks, and desserts.
The greatest desserts.

Moshe says, "If this is hell I wonder what heaven is." So he is
taken to heaven. The only people there are him and God. So he
waits there for a few minutes. Then a bell rings, and God goes to
eat. There is a table with a peace of bread. (It's not even pita).

Moshe says to God, "Why, in hell, are there all these delicious
foods, and here there is only a piece of bread and some water?"

God says, "Well, it doesn't really pay to cook for two."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What's Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How to Make Jewish Jokes More P.C. ...

"There were these two Jews, ..." a comedian said as he started his
routine one night.

Immediately, a chap stood up and shouted, "Just a minute! I'm
Jewish--why are you comedians always knocking Jewish people like
this? Every other joke you hear these days starts off, 'There were
these two Jews ...'"

"Sorry," said the comedian. "No need to take offense. I'll start
again. There were these two Chinese guys, Irvin Weis and Moshe Blum,
on their way over to the synagogue for a barmitzvah ..."

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