Collage 165               H u m o u r N e t               26 OCT 95

According to Jim in L.A., the Grand Marshal of this year's Rose
Parade has been selected--and the winner is ...

<sound of envelope tearing>
<sound of breaths being held> <ooops--that's really no sound at all>
<sound of envelope continuing to tear> <have I ever told you how hard
it is to pad these openers?>

... and the winner is ...

Kermit.

Yup--the little green frog. Look, it's the Tournament of Roses, so
I could understand it if the little guy was *red*--or if they chose
Miss Piggy because she matched the "pink" motif. But Kermit? He's
*green*. When was the last time you saw a *green* rose? He clashes.
Now no one from San Francisco will attend ...

Well, the "Grand Marshal" post is primarily ceremonial, anyway. But
his New Year's Day schedule doesn't end with the parade ... he has
also been selected to preside over the 82nd Rose Bowl game.

Now THIS makes some sense! Think about it: Kermit appeals to children.
Football appeals to children. See?

(International note: The "football" reference is to American football;
*your* football is called "soccer" here. And I have yet to figure out
why we call it football--most of the time, a foot touches the ball
only when one team has screwed up and failed to make a first down. I
guess the name "handball" was already taken. And "Grown-Men-Wearing-
Tights-And-Slapping-Each-Other-On-The-Butt" *is* kind of a mouthful.)

BTW, this will be the first year that a non-human will preside over
the Rose Parade. Well, heck, they could have picked Hillary or Newt
if "non-human" was the criterion.

When he sent me this info, Jim (remember him?) suggested that I
comment on the selection of Kermit--instead of, say, zmodem or
Gopher--as Grand Marshal. But if the selection process had run
along those lines, I'm sure that 'ole Billy Boy would have whipped
out his bottomless-credit-line "MicroSoft Visa" card and purchased
MicroSoft Network (and another sacred 'Stones song to go along with
it) to be Grand Marshal.

He is, after all, an ace at marketing. Just look--PC users are
convinced that file names longer than 8 characters are a recent
innovation. :-) Heck, he'd probably make *himself* Grand Marshal.

Well, for an insider's look at the awesome MicroSoft marketing
strategy (and there's no argument here--it's pretty darned good),
check out today's Collage, featuring "Windows 95 Marketing Source
Code." This one's from Bill on SpaceNet, and it's just hysterical.
Best of all, you don't have to be a code jock to understand it--just
read all the "English" parts. It'll provide you with a whole new
perspective on the MicroSoft marketing approach ...

Note, BTW, that the enclosed piece is MS's *Marketing* source code,
not their Windoze code--we've already seen quite a bit of that. For
those of you who subscribed to HumourNet after, say, June 1995 (and
since we will likely top 800 subscribers by the time I finish typing
this, that's probably most of you), you can find more "Windows Source
Code" humor in Collage 81.

For now ... just point and click! (*Another* MicroSoft innovation.)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--"MicroSoft," "MicroSoft Network," and the "Windoze" logo are
all trademarks of international terrorists. :-)
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Windows '95 Marketing Source Code

TOPSECRET!!! SOURCE CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!

Look what we've intercepted from Microsoft after a week of hard-
hacking their computer system:

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define soon way_in_the_future
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
                                           lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
     }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
       break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
       say("Yes it will work");
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       pretend(there_is_no_problem);
       break;
     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
       say("It will run on an 8086 with lightning speed due to"
           " the 32-bit architecture");
       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
              "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 meg");
       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       break;
     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
       when(time_is_ripe)
       {
         arrest(journalist);
         brainwash(journalist);
         when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
         {
           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
           release (journalist);
         }
       }
       break;
   }
   while (vapourware)
   {
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       break;
     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
                                 b*stard");
      }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account > skyhigh && marriage > two_years )
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beautiful_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, @lusty_chicks);
      marry(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
        dump(young_blonde_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are angry at us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_to_wait_year_after_year_
  for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complains)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */
  }
}

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</collage165>