Collage 167               H u m o u r N e t               30 OCT 95

To help celebrate midterms, Collage 167 features a low-budget,
"NO FRILLS" opener.

Kudos to today's contributors:

 Brian, for "Playing With Pavlov ...,"

 Lorraine, for "Breast Aerobics and the Mammogram" and "Parrot Tale,"

 Brenda, for "Super Sex,"

 Shawn in Vancouver (yes, *that* Shawn :-), for "The Infinite Force
 Meets The Immovable Object,"

 and Claus in Denmark, for "More Weird stories."

Many thanks to everyone! We'll return to our regularly-scheduled
program tomorrow. For now, it's back to work ... :-(

Study hard!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Playing With Pavlov ...

True story: An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the
Harvard football field every day wearing a black-and-white striped
shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes
throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then
walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home
football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the
whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for
the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Breast Aerobics and the Mammogram

This is an X-ray that has its own name because no one wants to
actually say the word breast.

Mammograms require your breast to do gymnastics. If you have
extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts, however,
pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular, so they're
woefully unprepared.

But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home, using these
simple exercises:

Exercise 1: Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your
breasts (either one will do) between the two bookends and smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

Exercise 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the
breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

Exercise 3: (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on
the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snuggly behind the rear
tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly
ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the
other side.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Super Sex?

There was this 96-year-old man, fast approaching his 97th birthday.
His friends and family all decided to throw him a grand milestone
affair, including a beautiful babe to jump out of a cake for him.

Well, the party began and a fun time was being had by all. The cake
was rolled out and this beautiful woman jumped out of the cake.
Eyeballing the crowd she said "where is the birthday boy?" Everyone
pointed to the old man. She looked at him and said (jokingly, I
hope), "I'm going to give you some SUPER-SEX!"

The old man looked up at her, then looked down, then looked up at
her again, and then looked down, looked at her again and said,

"I'll have the soup."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Parrot Tale ...

So there's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a
drunken sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird
in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when
the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of
invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so anrgy that he throws the bird into the
freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird might be dying in there. After a couple of minutes of silence,
he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Infinite Force Meets The Immovable Object ...

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead
on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change
your course ten degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course,
sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course,
sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing
course!"

There's one last reply: "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Weird stories...

BEAR-FACED CHEEK
A bear was bought from a Russian circus by a tourist agent after he
was asked to provide an American visitor with a "wild bear hunt."
The tourist was taken to the Perdelkino Forest near Moscow and when
all was ready, the bear was released. As the hunter closed in on
his prey, a postman passed by on his bike, saw the bear, and tumbled
off in surprise. Recalling his Big Top training, the bear grabbed
the bike and pedalled off, leaving the American to sue for fraud.

WOODEN ACTING
People were worried that an owl perched on a pylon at Johnstown,
near Wrexham, never flew away, so someone called the RSPCA. An
official spent an hour trying to coax the bird down before a
neighbour told him: "You're wasting your time. It's made of wood."
The local electricity company had installed it as a decoy to
discourage nest building.

SHOP TILL YOU DROP
A busload of Russian shoppers refused to break off their trip to
Poland when one of them died of a heart attack. They tried to get
the man buried on the spot, but the Polish authorities wouldn't
allow it; so they continued bargain-hunting for days, while leaving
the corpse on a back seat.

HIGH IN THE LIFT
Palle Birkelund was jailed for being drunk in charge of a lift, in
Aalborg, Denmark. Shoppers complained when he kept yelling: "This
is the captain of your aircraft--we will be landing in the next few
seconds!"

SNUFFED OUT
In a Bangkok karaoke bar, Thai property tycoon Chen Ka Sek hogged
the microphone for three hours and, amongst other things, sang
"Candle in the Wind" four times. When another man asked to have a
go, Chen had his bodyguards shoot the presumptuous fellow dead. "We
were carried away by the beauty of my voice," Chen confessed.

A SAFE BET?
Inept bank robbers in Cooperville, Ohio, drilled through a safe
door, then hit a brick wall and carried on drilling ... only to
find themselves out in the street again.

A HEAVENLY TUNE
In May 1992, an elderly woman fell asleep while watching "The Sound
of Music" at a Birmingham theatre, and then caused chaos when she
woke up during the nuns' chorus. She thought she had died and was
being welcomed to heaven.

IT IS NOW ...
After years of searching for an orchid thought to be extinct,
botanists in New Zealand found it lying flattened under a
groundsheet when they took down their tent.

GRAVE ERROR
Baffled historians wasted eight years trying to discover the
identity of the person buried at Evercreech Church, near Shepton
Mallet, under a stone marked, simply, "H.W.P." The Wessex Water
Authority finally put them out of their misery by revealing that it
was a marker for the church's hot water pipe.

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