Collage 168               H u m o u r N e t               31 OCT 95

Well, I had to put together a Halloween Collage, since

1. It's Halloween (in the 'States, anyway), and
2. Lorraine sent me so much material.

So, of course, many thanks to Lorraine for the material. The "Horror
Movie Character Survival Guide" is a repeat from Collage 106--but it
is still pretty amusing, and worth the repetition. The rest is new,
including some rather entertaining ways of confusing trick-or-
treaters (okay, so maybe it's a little late for this year; archive
it for next year).

And a Collage just wouldn't be a Collage if it didn't open with
something mildly humorous; this one is borrowed:

Q: What size does a psychic wear?
A: A medium.

Many thanks to Wendy for that (it was just too cute to pass up).

And now, on to Collage 168. Hope you like it--it's a real scream!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Horror Movie Character Survival Guide

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check
to see if it's really dead.

* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia
or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.

* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.

* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will
save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
alone.

* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.

* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you
value your life.*

* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

* Do not take *anything* from the dead.

* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.

* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you are doing.

* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also
note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster
is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
catch up with you.

* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.

* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.

* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.

* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
device made from deceased companions.

* Listen closely to the soundtrack--and pay attention to the
audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you
could ever hope to be.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you candy

6. The person you are with doesn't fantasize you are someone else

5. Forty years from now you will still enjoy candy

4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you are kinky

3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moan and groan

2. Less guilt the next morning

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Health-Conscious Vampires?

Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first Vampire
orders a pint of blood. The second thinks that sounds pretty tasty,
so he orders a pint of blood, too. The third thinks for a bit then
orders a pint of plasma.

The bartender says, "Okay, so that will be two bloods and a
blood lite."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls,
bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near
the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,
"Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top
Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around
suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the
briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do,
have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they
can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it
makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse,
and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out
into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the
door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before
you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at
anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as
you can.

[Editor's Note: This is actually a typical day at my house. </vs>]

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the
trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start
flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests,
explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from
Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several
half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the
door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't
have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on
your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the
pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment
you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the
trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Halloween Plunkin ...

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The
wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go
to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to
miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for an hour, awakened without pain,
and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because
hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could,
and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action."

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home
and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what
he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got to
the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we all ditched
our costumes, went into the den and played poker all evening. But
I'll tell you ... the guy that I gave my costume to sure had one
helluva time!"

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