Collage 169               H u m o u r N e t                1 NOV 95

And the latest entrant into the HumourNet "Weird Criminals" file:
William Warren, an inmate at the Joseph Harp Correctional Center in
Oklahoma, is suing for "the right to wear [his] favorite kind of
undergarment"--women's nylon bikini briefs.

Is the stress of prison life becoming a problem for you, Bill? Or
are you perhaps just not getting as many dates as you used to ...

Bill claims in his lawsuit--currently pending in federal court,
by the way--that he was allowed to wear the briefs at other prisons
on medical grounds, because he suffers from irritable bowel syndrome.

Just out of curiosity, Bill, did this "irritable bowels" problem
start before or *after* you started wearing women's bikini briefs
in--uh--PRISON?

Further, the lawsuit argues that officials at the correctional
center are submitting him to cruel and unusual punishment by
forcing him to wear "white cotton, thick and absorbent" underwear.

No problem, Billy Boy--we'll get you fixed up with a nice pair of
burlap shorts right away. No more worries about "thick and absorbent"
underwear, no siree ...

State attorneys say the lawsuit is an example of the need for
controls to cut down on claims. Apparently, several lawmakers are
currently trying to pass laws that would reduce frivolous lawsuits
by convicts.

I have a better idea. It'll save time and money, and is sure to have
a substantial impact on the ever-worsening crime statistics:

Contract the U.S. penal system out to Singapore. :-)

Of course, we cannot do that. Not just because we are a nation
preoccupied with criminals' rights (isn't that an oxymoron?), but
because we have more lawyers per square foot than the Sahara Desert
has particles of sand. (Speaking of which, did you know that there's
so much sand in the Sahara that--if you spread it around--it would
cover almost all of northern Africa? It's true.)

And we all know there's nothing more dangerous than a lawyer, out on
the streets, without a frivolous lawsuit to keep him occupied ...

Thankfully, though, lawyers *do* manage to generate quite a bit of
humor--albeit indirectly--to help keep *us* occupied (and entertained).
And (you guessed it!) Collage 169 is dedicated to those men and women
who devote their lives and their time to ... making fun of lawyers. :-)

The first piece, "Lawyer Laughs," is presented with many thanks to Kim.
Lorraine takes the credit for "The Court Will Now Come to Disorder,"
a quasi-superset of the courtroom-humor piece submitted by Nancy in
Collage 14. Finally, kudos for "A Good Start" go to Shawn, who
provides us with a means of achieving the goal in the "good start" joke:

Q: What do you call 1,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of
 the Atlantic Ocean?
A: A good start.

It's Collage 169--and you'd better enjoy it now, before someone passes
a law making lawyer jokes illegal ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--"Thanks!" to Jim in L.A. for the William Warren piece.
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Lawyer Laughs

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Removable wingtips.

Q: Ho many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: One to get the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to climb the
ladder, one to push the ladder over, and fifteen to file class-action
lawsuits against the ladder manufacturer, the lightbulb manufacturer,
the building's construction company, and the electric company. Oh,
and at least one to over-bill the clients.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Court Will Now Come to Disorder ...

[Editor's Note: I don't know who gets the "By" line for this piece.
I have three options: one from Nancy's submission, and two from
Lorraine's (note that Nancy and Lorraine were merely forwarding the
information as supplied to them, not providing it firsthand). I will
simply take the easy way out of this predicament, and credit
everyone ...

From Nancy:
-----
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter, has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in (sic) two books--"Humor in the Court" (1977) and "More Humor in
the Court," (1994). From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of
my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
-----

From Lorraine:
-----
by Paul Rolly and JoAnn Wells

Lawers typically aren't funny--unless by accident. Case in point:
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court
records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake
City law firm of Johnson & Hatch.
-----

Could the "client" be Mary Louise Gilman? Perhaps. But then how do Paul
and JoAnn fit into the picture? Ah, well, on to the humor ... </vs>]

Q:  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
 deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A:  No.
Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A:  Picking them up in the air.
Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
A:  Attached to the ears.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
 there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
 trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
 objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. (sic)

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by
 Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal
 a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
 were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her
 not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
 with him to the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior
 to that time?

JUDGE:  I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I
will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a
completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself
 to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's
 Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
 impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
 immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where is the street.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
 in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything
 about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a
stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like
to strike the next question."

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
 like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
 of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why
 I was doing an autopsy!

Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange--this one
involving a child:

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Good Start ("Take" Two)

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step
behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk
faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come
out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of
rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront
at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks
long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light
post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San
Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his
legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as
the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

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