Collage 171               H u m o u r N e t                3 NOV 95

And the recipient of HumourNet's 1995 "How to Win Friends and
Influence People" award is ... <sound of envelope opening>

Gerard Finneran.

(Surely you didn't think I'd pass up *this* opportunity, did you?)

For those of you who don't recognize him by name, Gerry's the
58-year-old executive who really went out of his way to entertain
and impress the other passengers on a United Airlines flight by
demonstrating his ability to simultaneously balance on a service
cart and defecate.

Or perhaps he just didn't like the food ...

According to the complaint filed by United Airlines, our hero (such
as he is) began drinking alcoholic beverages before the flight took
off, and continued to do so during the flight. The beverages were
initially served to him by the crew members, but he eventually
started "getting up and serving alcoholic beverages to himself."

Well, he probably *had* to, since the flight attendants declined to
seat him next to the liquor cabinet in the galley.

The complaint goes on to say that, when members of the crew told him
to stop, he demanded they serve him more drinks--and when one male
attendant refused, Gerry allegedly threatened to "bust his ass."

Heh ... here's a guy who takes his drinking *much* too seriously.

Gerry then approached a female flight attendant and demanded that
she serve him a drink. When she refused, Finneran allegedly placed
his hands on her chest and pushed her back into a seat.

Okay Gerry, repeat after me: "I have a problem ..."

A male flight attendant then entered the first-class section of the
plane and saw Finneran "with his pants and underwear down, defecating
on a service cart used by the flight crew."

Rumors that the oxygen masks deployed at that moment are still
unsubstantiated.

(Technically speaking, no oxygen masks could have deployed, anyway.
C'mon, none of us *really* believes that there are oxygen masks in
those overhead panels, right? There are probably just little notes
that drop out and say, "Have a nice day!" or "Sh*t, man, you're
really screwed.")

The complaint continues, stating our hero used linen napkins to--
uh--clean himself, and then proceeded to track feces throughout the
aircraft. In response, the captain of the flight--which was four
hours from New York--suspended all food and beverage service, due to
the possibility of an infectious condition.

Really? I had no idea that "stupidity" was an infectious condition.
(Well, I did get to see some video footage of the L.A. riots from a
few years back, so maybe I have to retract that statement.)

Anyway, the news story closes with the statement that Finneran's
lawyer could not be reached for comment. Of course not. He's still
trying to figure out how he's going to convince everyone that Gerry
was driven to this behavior after being sexually harassed by the
cabin crew, etc., etc., etc. Heck, he's probably on the phone with
Johnny Cochran right now. By the time the dust settles, 'ole Ger will
probably *own* a good chunk of United Airlines.

Well, the upshot is that he'll probably have a little trouble getting
a date for some time to come. And, of course, we get a good laugh out
of the news story--and if it weren't for stories like this, who'd
read the news?

So, accordingly, Collage 171 is dedicated to those hapless men and
women (okay, mostly men) who make the news worth reading.

And a sincere "thanks!" is dedicated to those men and women who send
me these stories--including Jim in L.A., who sent me the Finneran
story. Jim also gets credit for the "This Can't Be True" piece later
in this Collage.

Similarly, thanks are due to Liz, who sent me the "Dial 'M' for
Mother" story--first. (I received at least a half-dozen copies of it,
but Liz won the punctuality contest.) Ro takes credit for the "Proof
by Counter-Example" piece, Lorraine receives the kudos for "Police
Blotter," and Chris assumes full responsibility for the "News of the
Weird."

It's the HumourNet "Weird News" Collage (film at eleven).

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Dial "M" For Mother

LONDON, July 2 (Reuter)--A terrified British mother put police on red
alert after mistaking the sound of lovemaking for a cry for help from
her daughter. The Independent newspaper said on [July 2] that two
accidental phone calls woke the woman in Devizes, southern England, in
the small hours of the morning. Hearing moaning, groaning and
shouting, she dismissed the first as an obscene call, but in the
second she recognised her daughter crying, "Oh my God," and heard a
man's voice.

Convinced her daughter was being attacked in her bedroom 100 miles
away, she dialed the emergency number 999 and a police squad sped to
the daughter's home to investigate. "Officers rushed round and
found she wasn't being attacked--in fact she was quite willing," a
police spokesman said. "They explained that during the moments of
passion, one of the couple pushed an auto-dial button [on their
phone] with a toe. Unfortunately, on both occasions it was the
girl's mother's phone number," he said.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Proof by Counter-Example
Edited by: Prophet Zarquon

The anger management instructor who punched a client in Waianae
Monday--leaving the 32-year-old victim brain-dead at St. Francis
Hospital--now faces a charge of attempted murder. 39-year-old
Charles Mahuka Jr., who was on parole after serving over two years
in prison for a previous attempted murder conviction, was an
assistant instructor for the Family Peace Center.

Acquaintances and coworkers of Mahuka describe him as soft-spoken,
inspiring and full of hope. FPC directors say they are shocked at
Mahuka's uncharacteristic outburst.

According to police, Miguel Gonzales--a student in the weekly class
since it started in February--disrupted Mahuka's session Monday
night. Gonzales was reportedly inebriated, and was asked by Mahuka
to leave the room three times. Each time he refused and continued
his unruly behavior. That was when Mahuka apparently "lost it,"
delivering a punch that now leaves Gonzales in his paralyzed state.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: This Can't be True ...

FARMINGTON, Utah (AP) - A man who posed as a woman during a 3-year
marriage was ordered to serve 9 months in jail on Tuesday by a judge
skeptical about whether the husband was really duped.

"It is difficult for the court to believe the victim did not notice
what he really was," Judge Rodney Page said.

Felix Urioste, 34, married Bruce Jensen in 1991 in Lyman, Wyo.,
claiming to be a woman named Leasa who was pregnant with twins.
Urioste later told Jensen the twins were stillborn.

Prosecutors have described Jensen, a 39-year-old lab technician, as
naive and sincere and said he married Urioste because he thought he
might be the twins' father. He has since asked for an annulment.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Police Blotter

Brawling firefighters from the Prince George's County, MD., fire
department had to separated by county police--the paid and volunteer
firefighters were arguing over who should be the first to carry a
hose into a burning townhouse.

Kent police pulled over a car with a missing taillight and found
weapons inside, including a leather bludgeon, a spiked club and four
kitchen and pocket knives. The driver, an 18-year-old girl, said
the weapons were for protection and the spiked club was of "great
sentimental value." She was cited for possessing weapons capable of
harm. (Sept. 26)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: News of the Weird, October 6, 1995
by Chuck Shepherd

OUCH!

* In September in Newport, R.I., burglary suspect Jamie Johnson,
24, fleeing police, scaled an iron picket fence, struggled with cops
at the top, then fell off and ran briefly before being arrested. At
the police station, cops noticed Johnson was bleeding at the crotch.
According to the Associated Press, police "returned to the [scene]
and retrieved Johnson's testicles, which were still impaled on the
fence." They said Johnson had never mentioned that he was in pain.
[Springfield Union-News-AP, 9- 15-95]

COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE

* Rick Quessenberry of Springfield, MO, was named as one of the six
people on America's World Championship of Hairstyling team scheduled
to compete next summer in Washington, D. C. (In all, 200,000
hairstylists will attend the Hair World convention.) The teams
compete in categories such as "business hair," "nighttime social
hair," "progressive hair," and a technical hairstyling event. The
hairdressers march in an Olympics-style opening ceremony, and after
each event, the winner's flag is raised and its national anthem
played. [Springfield News-Leader, 7-26-95]

* A list of most-popular nursing home and retirement home songs
(published in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch), according to St. Louis
disk jockey Michael Laurance, who entertains at about 80 such places
in the area, included "YMCA" (the Village People), "Paradise by the
Dashboard Light" (Meat Loaf), and "1999" (Prince). [St. Louis
Post-Dispatch, 8-13-95]

[Editor's Note: Thank god he didn't say "Celebration," or I'd have
to kill myself before retirement. </vs>]

CHUTZPAH

* In August, Alvin Waff, apparently confusing the brake and gas
pedals, drove his car through the front window of the Hanger
Restaurant & Lounge in Hampton, Va., sped across the floor, and
smashed against the bar, doing about $5,000 in damage. According to
a Hanger employee, Waff then got out of the car and calmly asked for
a beer. [Newport-News Daily Press, 8-4-95]

* John Bennett, Jr., the president of a Pennsylvania charitable
foundation, was accused earlier this year by the Securities and
Exchange Commission of converting about $4 million in foundation
money to his own use. Furthermore in May, the foundation filed for
bankruptcy protection in Philadelphia. Shortly afterward, Bennett
complained about the judge's decision to limit him to $5,000 monthly
for living expenses--from foundation funds--during the proceeding,
claiming that he needed almost twice that amount. [St. Louis
Post-Dispatch-AP, 6-15-95]

* Several days after the Oklahoma City bombing in April, Libyan
leader Moammar Qaadhafi predicted that "thousands of militias" would
soon wage revolution in America, and urged President and Mrs.
Clinton to seek political asylum in Libya, "the only safe country in
the world." [Newark Star-Ledger-AP, 5-1-95]

SCHEMES

* Paragon Cable in New York recently began a new approach to
customers with delinquent accounts. Instead of cutting off service
altogether--which would create additional restart expense when the
customer paid up--Paragon merely fills those customers' entire
77-channel lineup with C-SPAN. Paragon said the project has been
successful. [U.S. News & World Report, 7-31-95]

THINNING THE HERD

* Mr. Joe Buddy Caine, 35, died in Anniston, Ala., in September,
from rattlesnake bites. He was bitten while tossing the snake
around in a game of catch with his friend Junior Bright, who himself
was hospitalized with bites. [Houston Chronicle-Scripps Howard,
9-9-95]

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