Collage 172               H u m o u r N e t                6 NOV 95

You know, ever since I mentioned that my mom (Loretta) got an
Internet account (Collage 153), I've been receiving an impressive
amount of mail for *her*. (Like, "Here, Vince, this is for your
mom.")

While this is very considerate, I really hadn't counted on running
a message-relay operation for the old broad--it's tough enough just
keeping up with the mail that's addressed to *me*. (For those of you
who have sent these messages, please note that I'm just kidding
here.)

Anyway, I noticed an interesting pattern developing ever since
"net.fame" was thrust upon Loretta: people have been sending me
various versions of, "Yeah, I give these [Collages] to my mom, too,
and she really likes them!" For example, Dominick told me

"... my Mom likes what I've shown her. And Angie's 78."

(Hi, Angie, and welcome to HumourNet. Better get yourself an e-mail
account to which I can start forwarding *your* fan mail, now ...)

At first, I wasn't sure just how to take this--I mean, this isn't
the kind of thing you really want to get around: "I have this mailing
list for humor, and everyone's mom really likes it." (I guess I could
just say, "HumourNet: Everyone and his mother likes it.")

Then things got worse; I really got scared when I received *this*
message from _my_ mom:

"I read your Collages, and everything is very funny. I like it very
much. Keep up the good work. And remember to separate your laundry
before you wash it--then you won't have to worry about having pink
underwear."

(See Collage 170, "Male Perspectives on Relationships," for an
explanation of the 'pink underwear' reference.)

Huh? MY OWN MOTHER likes it? Now I'm screwed. This is worse than a
high-school girl finding out that her parents *like* her boyfriend
(the death knell for any relationship at that age). The only sure-fire
way to fix *this* problem is to switch lists with Shawn, the moderator
for our sister list, Bawdy.Net.

But then I'd have no use for the HumourNet contributions that
Loretta's net.fame has generated. For example, Collage 172 contains
these two pieces:

"The New Math," from Michel in France, and
"More Dirty Johnny," from Dominick.

And, of course, there are the contributions from Loretta, herself,
such as "Critical Thinking 101," the last piece in this Collage.

So I guess I'm stuck with it. To that end, I present Collage 172,
with many thanks to this issue's contributors: Michel, Dominick,
and, of course, Loretta.

HumourNet: It's "Mom Approved."

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The New Math

Here is how elementary-math teaching has evolved over the last
30 years ...

Teaching, 1960:
A peasant sells a sack of potatoes at $20. His overhead expenses
are 4/5ths of the selling price. Compute his gains.

Traditional teaching, 1970:
A peasant sells a sack of potatoes at $20. His overhead expenses
are 4/5ths of the selling price--that is $16. Compute his gains.

Modern teaching, 1970:
A peasant exchanges a set P of potatoes for a set M of coins. The
cardinal of the set M is 20 and each element m in M is worth $1.
The set E of overhead expenses comprises 4 fat points less than the
set M. Draw the set E as a subset of the set M and compute the
cardinal of the set G of gains.

Inner-City Teaching, 1980:
A farmer sells a sack of potatoes $20. His overhead expenses are
$16 and his gains are $4.
Homework: Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your
work partner.

Reformed teaching, 1990:
A Kepitelist privilegd pesent gets richr unjustly by $4 for a potato
sak, analiz the tekst and luk for mistaks in kontent gremer speling
and punktuasion end then say wat u thin about this way of geting rich

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Dirty Johnny

Loretta figured that a fun way to teach the class about the
association of color and flavor would be to bring in an assortment
of Lifesavers.

She first passed out yellow ones and asked the class what color
they were, and the children all replied "yellow." Then she asked
them to taste the Lifesavers and call out the flavor. "Lemon" they
all replied.

"Very good, class," said Loretta.

Next, she passed out red Lifesavers and asked the class what color
they were, and the class replied "red." Then she asked the class to
taste them and call out the flavor, and they replied "cherry."

"Very good, class!"

The next Lifesaver was gold colored (honey flavored). Loretta asked
the class what was the color and everyone said "gold."

"Very good--now taste it," she said. "Can you tell me what flavor
it is?"

No answer from the class. Loretta said, "I'll give you a hint.
It's what your mother calls your father before he leaves for work in
the morning."

Just then, Little Johnny yelled, "Spit it out!! It's an a**hole!!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Critical Thinking 101

Luigi, a recent immigrant from Italy, showed up to work one Monday
with a black eye. The people at the office asked what had happened
over the weekend to cause such a shiner.

After some hemming and hawing, Luigi finally said, "Okay, here'sa
what happen. Yesterday, Sunday, I go to church. I sit behind big,
fat woman with big dress. When-a she stand uppa, her dress, itsa
inna cracka her backside, you know. Luigi figure she no like the
dress inna her crack, she I pull outta the dress so it no more inna
her crack. Woman turn around, hit Luigi right in the eye-ball."

The following Monday, Luigi arrives at work with the OTHER eye all
swollen and discolored. Again, his office mates inquire about the
circumstances leading up to this event, and--after some hemming and
hawing--Luigi gives in: "Okay, here'sa what happen. Yesterday,
Sunday, I go to church. I sit behind same big, fat woman. When-a
she stand uppa, her dress AGAIN inna cracka her backside. But Luigi
no think first--pulla the dress outta crack. Woman turn around an
hit Luigi right in the eye-ball again."

On the third Monday, Luigi arrives at work with the TWO black eyes
and bandages all over his face. In disbelief, his office mates
AGAIN inquire what happened. Well, they really have to pull it out
of him, but Luigi finally acquiesces:

"Okay, here'sa what happen. Yesserday, Sunna-day, I go to church. I
sit bahinna big, fat woman. Anna when she standa up, her dress
AGAIN stuck inna cracka her backside, you know--but this time, Luigi
no pulla dress outta crack. Man NEXT to Luigi, HE reach over
anna pulla dress outta crack ..."

All the officemates gasped and said, "Oh, and she thought you had
done it?"

"No, she no seem to notice. But Luigi--I know she no like dress like
that--so I gently PUSH it back in ..."

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