Collage 173               H u m o u r N e t                7 NOV 95

This one has been circulating the 'Net recently ...

When the recent cold front blew through the southeastern U.S., it
kicked up some pretty severe thunderstorms in its path. A very
observant Weather Channel (http://www.weather.com/) watcher in
College Station, Texas, was reading the National Weather Service's
emergency bulletin, when his attention was drawn to the last
sentence; it read:

"Stay away from Windows."

Coincidence? I think not. It is well known that the NWS uses PCs
(Crays aren't known for their user interface--thus, the NWS felt
right at home with Windows), and even the NWS has never admitted
that PCs are largely to blame for their prediction accuracy. :-)

Clearly, the statement represents NWS's position on Microsoftware.

And Collage 173 contains a couple of other statements regarding
Microsoftware: the "Windoze '95 Virus" piece--a discussion of the
new computer virus released in late August--is brought to us by
Bill; and "The Man from MicroSoft"--a whimsical piece about the
last Windows '95 holdout in the world--is presented by Lorraine.

Many thanks to this issue's contributors--and also to Shawn in
Vancouver for forwarding the NWS message to me.

And, as always, "Microsoft," "Windows," and "Windows '95" are the
trademarks of well-known international terrorists.

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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SUBJ: Windoze '95 Virus

SEATTLE (Not Reuter) - A new kind of computer virus is affecting
users of Intel-based microcomputers around the world, company
officials said Tuesday.

The virus, known as Microsoft Windows 95, is relatively benign,
although it could make it difficult to use the computer for any
productive purpose.

"It doesn't cause any system corruption or data loss," said Michael
Hebert, a group product manager for Microsoft. "Pretty much it's
just an annoyance."

Hebert admitted that there are a variety of cures for the virus,
the most popular being the purchase of an Apple Macintosh.

But the virus has raised concerns among computer security experts
because it is the first known case of an infection being marketed
all over the world and actively hyped by a global corporation.

"It's definitely a clever thing to do," Hebert said.

Typically computer viruses spread through programs that are
transferred over the Internet or other computer networks and contain
tainted "executable" files which can be weeded out by utility
devices.

The virus was first detected over a year ago and can affect all
microcomputers based on the Intel microprocessor. Based on Apple
Computer's Macintosh visual interface, the virus changes the user's
computer into a virtual consultant agency, where lots of activity is
apparently going on but virtually nothing substantial is returned.

Computer users who need information about the virus and its cure
can call Microsoft product-support technicians, check in various
online electronic bulletin board forums, or contact their local
Apple Computer reseller directly.

Hebert concludes by saying that Microsoft hopes to make available
within several weeks a program that will scan any computer network
to detect the presence of, and propagate, similar viruses.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Subject: The Man from MicroSoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not
you again," I said.

"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm
here."

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the
Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective,
to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an
essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was,
not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't. I was the Last
Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from
Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows
95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested," I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can
go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet
who doesn't have a copy."

"Well, no," the Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer,"
I said. "And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own
Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people
who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short,
there are some people who just have no USE for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he
said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE
it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this "use" thing you're going on
about," the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to
our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How
did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box,"
the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are
all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was
somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the
point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you
expect me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Oh, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell
you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and
install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal, but I don't NEED it. And
frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I
mean, it's a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell.
Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world
peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One
button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger.
Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard
drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network.
Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world
peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The
Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out
they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western
Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out,
well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's
embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to Bill."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of
those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got
one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap,
I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said. "He might hit that copy of Windows
95 by accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man
said nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave
me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward
you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island!
How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of
Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated
the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What
would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"

"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a
laser, and then nothing.

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