Collage 174               H u m o u r N e t                8 NOV 95

Many years ago, I was on an Eastern Airlines flight from San Jaun to
New York. (I can use Eastern's name since they have long-since
"departed" the aviation scene. OTOH, it wouldn't be appropriate for
me to use USAir's name if I were to say something like:

"USAir: The Airline That Gets You *Almost* All The Way There,"

because they are still around, and it might hurt their feelings.
But this story is about Eastern Airlines, so I can use their name.)

So, anyway, here I was on this Eastern flight. It was nighttime,
and we were flying through one of the most impressive electrical
storms (no rain, just a great light show) that I've ever flown
through, when we hit an air pocket that could have caused a skydiver
to soil his shorts. Of course, the pilot made the obligatory
apology:

"We're sorry about that air pocket, folks, but we just didn't see it
on the radar screen up here."

Apparently, "public relations" was not his forte. Needless to say,
his statement left the cabin occupants wondering just what the hell
was going on in the cockpit that they missed an air pocket the size
of Nebraska.

Perhaps the pilot realized his mistake, or perhaps the co-pilot
pointed it out to him. Either way, he quickly tried to patch things
up:

"If you look out your windows, you'll notice that we're currently
flying through an electrical storm [passengers: "No sh*t"], and it's
really very pretty to watch."

Needless to say, this didn't really do whole lot for the passengers,
who were pretty nervous (to say the least) about the storm situation
to begin with.

So the pilot figured he'd give it one last shot--this time, with
something pretty safe:

"In about forty-five minutes, we'll be due east of Bermuda."

Due EAST? I don't know how familiar you are with geography in that
region, but you don't get to NYC from San Juan via a point due east
of Bermuda unless:

1. You have a scheduled stop in Madrid
2. The pilot has a girlfriend in London
3. You've been hijacked

One of the passengers--apparently somewhat overcome by stress--
selected option three, stood up and said, "We've been hijacked!"
(I'm not making this up! Okay, so the passenger was my father, and
he was just joking, but it really made quite an impression on the
rest of the occupants in the cabin. :-)

The pilot finally did make one last stab at the intercom, saying,
"Due WEST. I meant to say that we will be due WEST of Bermuda." We
did not hear from him again until we were safely on the ground.

And they wonder why Eastern went bankrupt. (This really is a true
story, BTW.)

So that was the story that came to mind when I decided to put
together an "all-aero humor" Collage. The first few pieces in this
Collage are skydiving related, but only the piece entitled "The
Best Lies in Skydiving" requires any real familiarity with the
sport.

The rest of the credits are duly presented as follows:

Brenda: "Effective Use of the Legal Dept."
Steve: "Awesome Ground Rush"
JD, Kim, Lorraine (collective effort): "Some Thoughts on Air Travel"

And finally, JD takes credit for "Effective Drop Zone Management 101"
and all four "Full-Time Pilots, Part-Time Comedians" pieces.

Take off, hoser!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
  D-16474
  USPA I
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Effective Use of the Legal Dept.

Q: What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving out of an airplane?
A: Skeet.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Best Lies in Skydiving (abridged version)
by Darren Preston Lane (printed in Skydiving Magazine, #172)

1. The DZ opens at 8 a.m.

2. The first load takes off by 8:30.

3. A King Air will be here next weekend.

4. We're putting turbine engines on our Queen Air.

5. The Cessna is in good shape.

6. We turned 20 points on a 4-way.

7. The fall rate was too slow.

8. The fall rate was too fast.

9. My altimeter must have been off.

10. I couldn't find my pilot-chute handle.

11. If I'd had my weight vest on, I would have had more control.

12. The pilot throws in an extra grand on most loads.

13. Loads are spotted with GPS and Loran.

14. We're going to jump into the Olympic Games in Atlanta next year.

15. I'm going to keep on jumping once I get married.

-----

[Editor's Addition: And my own personal favorites ...

 "No, I'm not hurt--it just *looked* bad."

 "Sure, come on out--the weather's *great* here ..."

</vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Effective Drop Zone Management 101: Dealing With Sissies

At a skydiving drop zone, a first jump student was unusually nervous
and kept saying he wasn't sure if he could jump or not. The staff
continually assured him that everything would be alright and that he
would be able to jump when the time came.

Training all finished, he was nearing altitude with his jumpmaster.
When the door opened and it was his turn, he said "No, shut the
door, I can't jump." His jumpmaster (JM) told him "Either you jump
or I'll stuff that parachute up your butt!"

So, you're wondering ... did he jump?

Just a little, when the JM first put it in.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Awesome Ground Rush

In the early '70s, Richard Nixon, Spiro Agnew, Henry Kissinger, an
old priest, and a hippie were on an airplane. Suddenly, the pilot
radioed that the plane was going down, and for all of them to put on
a emergency rig (a.k.a. "parachute" for the whuffos in the audience)
and jump. Alas, there were only four rigs.

The five of them discussed what they should do ...

Richard Nixon said: "I am the President of the United States. The
nation and the world needs me. I must take a parachute and jump."
And out of the plane he jumped, and he floated safely to earth.

Spiro Agnew said: "I am the Vice-President of the United States. If
anything were to happen to President Nixon, I would have to take over
his tremendous job. I must take a parachute and jump." And Agnew
floated safely to earth, too.

Henry Kissinger said in his thick German accent: "I am the smartest
man in the world. The world cannot live without me." And he grabbed
a rig and jumped.

The old priest and the hippie were left. The priest said to the
young man, "Son, God has been good to me all these years, and I am
old. Please, take the last parachute rig and live well."

To which the hippie replied, "Don't worry, Father. The smartest man
in the world just took my backpack."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Some Thoughts on Air Travel

If God had meant for man to fly, he'd have made it easier to get
to the airport.

If God had meant for man to fly, he'd have given us more money.

The next time you feel the urge to fly somewhere, throw your best suitcase
under a moving truck, hide all your cigarettes, lock yourself out of the
bathroom, sit in a very narrow chair holding a 10-cent bag of stale
peanuts in your hand, and stare at the end of your driveway for three
hours. It's just like flying, and think of all the money you'll save.

We should be thankful for that little bag of peanuts they give us on
airplanes. In Africa, thousands of Elephants are going hungry---and
missing their connecting flights.

You can't fool all the people all the time, but airline schedules come
pretty darn close.

"Air travel is hours of boredom puntuated by a few brief moments of
terror." - Charles Lindberg.

You know that little indestructible "black box" that is used on
airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Full-Time Pilots, Part-Time Comedians--Take One ...

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his
passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He
decided to take action:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have
been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little'
plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about,
just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some
sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and
look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over!
Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor.."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Full-Time Pilots, Part-Time Comedians--Take Two ...

This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making
passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire
on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway.
He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up.
His announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before
our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's
left of the last airplane that landed there."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Full-Time Pilots, Part-Time Comedians--Take Three ...

One night in the Tower one of the controllers had a major flatulence
problem. With numerous airplanes lined up on final, the exchange
went something like this:

Controller lets one go (smells too).

Another controller says loudly, "Who farted??" (Apparently not
realizing he has an open mike.)

The responses poured in ...

"UAL 123 wasn't us, it must have been Continental back there."

"COA 234 wasn't us, it must have been Delta."

"DAL 345 wasn't us, it must have been American."

"AAL 456 wasn't us, it must have been ..."

... and so on until all the airplanes had proclaimed it wasn't them.

The controllers were laughing so hard they could hardly talk.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Full-Time Pilots, Part-Time Comedians--Take Four ...

Allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over
the tower radio:

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such>
beacon".

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! **I'm** holding at 3000
over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then 1st voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

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