Collage 176               H u m o u r N e t               10 NOV 95

It's Veteran's Day here in the U.S., so something of a military
nature seemed to be in order. This Collage opens with a short
"Situation Adaptability Evaluation" for military personnel, and
closes with the abridged version of "Murphy's Laws for Combat Ops"
(the complete list can be found on the HumourNet web page).

As with *all* Murphy's laws, the combat operations list follows the
"What Can Go Wrong WILL Go Wrong" motif. And nowhere is that more
true than in military settings.

Several years ago, I was at a field test in Yuma, Arizona. We were
testing an artillery round, and the typical test set-up has the
mechanical engineers (MEs) at the gun and the electrical engineers
(EEs) down-range with the telemetry equipment -- the MEs are thus
shooting at the EEs (something that never helped us EEs sleep at
night).

We were getting a time-of-flight measurement on a spotter round,
which requires the EEs to listen on the range radio for the gun fire
and start timing until we see the impact in the target area. Since
MEs have notoriously bad aim, we were really pretty safe. :-)

So, we're listening to the range radio, and we hear the test
director counting down to "t-zero" (gun firing) -- this is usually
done in even 5-second increments, since most test directors don't
know what numbers go in between. We hear, "TEN seconds ...," then
"FIVE seconds ...," and we're all set to start our stopwatches.

Five seconds pass. Ten seconds pass. Nothing. The test director
announces the "hang fire" over the radio, and the S.O.P. requires
a twenty minute (if I recall correctly) down time before the gun
breech can be opened.

As we're climbing down from the roofs of the telemetry vans, we hear
the unmistakable "POW!" of the gun firing. "Wow!" we thought
collectively as we grabbed our stopwatches and scrambled back up the
ladders, "lucky we have that 20-minute down time." Shortly
thereafter, we saw the impact, and had the time of flight.

It wasn't until that night that we found out what had happened up at
the gun that day.

This was a "low-zone" shot, which (in short) meant that we had some
poor soldier initiating gun fire by pulling a lanyard -- while everyone
else hid safely behind the blast shields. His job was to listen to
the test director count down to "five," then count off the last five
seconds and pull the lanyard.

Well, this E-zero was pretty new to the job, and was expecting the
test director to actually SAY "zero" before he pulled the lanyard.
Recognizing that this was the problem, the test director called the
"hang fire," then walked over to the soldier and explained the
correct test protocol to him:

"When you hear me say 'five,' you just count to yourself, 'one one-
thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand,
five one-thousand,' and then pull the lanyard on 'five.' Okay?"

The director started walking back to the blast shield to restart the
countdown, figuring that the soldier was now "up to speed" on the
test protocol.

Well, he was -- only a little too well. As the director was walking
back to the blast shield, the soldier counted to himself, "one one-
thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand,
five one-thousand," *YANK!*

And POW! Caught the test director completely off guard -- poor guy
nearly soiled himself.

This Collage is dedicated to all those men and women who put their
lives on the line for us -- to those people who, unlike us civilians,
don't get to "hide behind the blast shields."

Thank you. And happy Veteran's Day.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--Many thanks to Perri for the material in this Collage.
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Situation Adaptability Evaluation for
Military Mid-Management Personnel

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of mid-management
military personnel to various situations. The situations are based
on actual case studies from a well-known Class I installation and
represent a cross section of test data correlated to evaluate both
reaction time to difficult situations as well as the soundness of
each decision selected.

There [were] ten objective-type questions. Read each question
thoroughly. Place an "X" by the answer you feel is most correctly
justified by the circumstances given. There is only one correct
answer for each question presented.

1. You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the
decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks
into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's
attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid
description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel
room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the
colonel's daughter. Your next move is:

 a. Ask for her hand in marriage.
 b. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
 c. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.

2. You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The
success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized
manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General
leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:

 a. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
 b. Ask him about his recent root canal.
 c. Take a leak in his "OUT" box.

3. You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest
office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad
sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your
sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing
manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass
out. What you should do next is:

 a. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
 b. Point to the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
 c. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

4. You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is
definitely a NO-NO, you:

 a. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid
 motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth
 joint.
 b. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a
 prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
 c. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick
 them up, blow your nose on your sock.

8. It's November and you've just returned from a TDY (temporary
duty) trip to Atlanta, Georgia. You tell your boss nobody but
prostitutes and football players live there. He explodes with,
"My wife is from Atlanta!" You:

 a. Ask what position she plays.
 b. Ask if she's still working the streets.
 c. Pretend you're going into a malaria induced coma.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

1. Friendly fire--isn't.

2. Recoilless rifles--aren't.

3. Suppressive fires--won't.

4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow
down.

6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not
want to waste a bullet on you.

8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall
short.

10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
 - When they're ready.
 - When you're not.

16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

18. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always
hard.

22. The easy way is always mined.

23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is
not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the
combat zone.

27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it, too.

28. Incoming fire has the right of way.

29. No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.

30. No inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
incoming friendly fire.

33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

34. Things that must work together can't be carried to the field
that way.

35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather--and especially
during both.

37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able
to get out.

39. Tracers work both ways.

40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will
get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're
both right.

42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of
dangerous amateurs.

43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

44. Fortify your front, and you'll get your rear shot up.

45. Weather ain't neutral.

46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.

47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

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