Collage 177               H u m o u r N e t               13 NOV 95

It's been one helluva bad week (or so) on the political front.

First, we lose one of the greatest leaders that we've seen in modern
times. Then Colin Powell announces his non-candidacy. And now it
seems that Margaret Thatcher is unlikely to consider a bid for
the presidency (or I guess I can assume that, since she has stopped
returning my phone calls ;-).

Interestingly (and treading lightly here): reacting to the news of
Prime Minister Rabin's assassination, many Lebanese were seen on
worldwide television firing guns into the air--something that seems
to be a common practice in that corner of the world.

This is a curious form of behavior. Hasn't anyone explained the whole
"gravity" concept to them? I'd at least wear a hat ...

While we're discussing the intellectual proletariat (okay, maybe I'm
not treading *that* lightly): we're all now very aware that
President Clinton is planning to make the current budget machinations
even more of a debacle than they already are by refusing to sign a
continuing resolution (CR) on the basis of an "unaffordable"
eleven-dollar-a-month increase in cost to medicare recipients.
(Word has it that he vetoed the CR this morning.) Except for
"essential" services, this action (or lack of action) will shut down
most of the U.S. government, and government employees will be
furloughed.

I've *got* to believe that this is bad news for the astronauts aboard
the space shuttle Atlantis (which just lifted off from Cape Canaveral
Sunday morning):

"Mission control, this is Atlantis." (long pause) "Mission control,
this is Atlantis." (shorter pause) "Hello, Houston? ... You guys
listening? ... Hey, c'mon guys, this isn't funny ... We're just
about ready to come back down, and we need directions ..." (This
must be one of the female astronauts talking.)

Finally, the word from the ground, "Yeah, Atlantis, this is Dan. Bad
news, guys--Billy didn't pass the CR, and we're all furloughed until
further notice. As for those directions--well, uh, gee whiz, lessee
here, I guess you could fly it to Jacksonville first, then follow
I-95 south, and turn left at the Bee-Line. Just park it in the usual
spot, and remember to lock it up before you leave. Thanks, guys, and
good luck with it."

As for the rest of the government employees, I don't think anyone is
particularly upset about the furlough--after all, Webster defines
"furlough" as (among other things) "a leave of absence from prison
granted to a prisoner." How bad can that be, right?

Of course, it would be nice if paychecks were *also* suspended for
the executive and legislative branches of government ... heck, we'd
*encourage* the furlough if that were the case. :-)

So, for those of you who haven't figured it out by now, this is our
first "All Political Humor" Collage--and some of this stuff is really
pretty good. Very large kudos are due to:

Shawn in Canada, for "Efficient Use of Landfills" and "More Thoughts
on the Political Scene,"

Lorraine in Texas, for "Efficient Use of Grey Matter,"

Nigel in Canada, for "The Lesser of Two Evils,"

John in New Jersey, for "Arkansas State Residency Application,"

and Lori in Texas, for "A *Really* Bum Rap."

Many thanks to all the contributors--and enjoy the pork!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: On Efficient Use of Landfills

A bus load of politicians was driving down a country road, when, all
of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an
old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened,
went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury
the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus,
and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old
farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old
farmer, "Wow, they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them politicians lie."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: On Efficient Use of Grey Matter

This reminds me of a joke about this guy who went into a brain shop.
A mathematician's brain was on sale for $10,000, and a physicist's
brain was on sale for $12,000. Then he looked at a politician's
brain, which was on sale for $100,000.

The guy asked the owner, "How come the politician's brain is so much
more expensive than the scientist's brain?".

The shop owner replied, "The politician's brain has never been
used."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Lesser of Two Evils

An American, a Canadian and an Englishman are captured by terrorists.
They are sentenced to death by firing squad but are each given one
last request.

The American says "I would like to take a few minutes to explain why
the United States is the greatest country in the world."

The Canadian says "I would like to take an hour to explain Canada's
constitutional problems and the Quebec referendum."

The Englishman says "Could I be shot first?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Arkansas State Residency Application (Or, "If You Pass This
Test, You Could Be President of the United States")

Name, Last: ________________
Name, First:
 (_) Billy-Bob
 (_) Billy-Joe
 (_) Billy-Ray
 (_) Billy-Sue
 (_) Billy-Mae
 (_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
 (_)Farmer
 (_)Mechanic
 (_)Hair Dresser
 (_)Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship to spouse:
 (_) Sister
 (_) Brother
 (_) Aunt
 (_) Uncle
 (_) Cousin
 (_) Mother
 (_) Father
 (_) Son
 (_) Daughter
 (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_)The National Enquirer
 (_)The Globe
 (_)TV Guide
 (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
 (_)Weekly
 (_)Monthly
 (_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
 (_)Yellow
 (_)Brownish-Yellow
 (_)Brown
 (_)Black
 (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
 (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_)1 mile
 (_)2 miles
 (_)don't know

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Thoughts on the Political Scene

Q: What do you call three politicians buried up to their necks in sh*t?
A: Not enough sh*t.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a bad lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A *Really* Bum Rap

After a long and vigorous life, Ronald Reagan dies. He appears at
the pearly gates of heaven. As Reagan approaches, St. Peter looks
up his name in the Book of Life--and behold, it is there. There is
an annotation, however. St. Peter explains to Reagan that he may
enter, but that he must spend a year in penance if he is to enjoy
the full rewards of heaven. His penance will consist of a year in a
room with Atilla the Hun.

Reagan thinks this over for about ten minutes, after which he
decides that a year is nothing compared with eternity and accepts
his penance. St. Peter guides him down a long hall in their
"Short-Term Penance" section, and shows Reagan to his room, where he
can see Atilla waiting for him. He looks around, and on the other
side of the hall he sees Bob Dole in a room with BO DEREK!

Before Peter can close the door Reagan grabs him and says. "Hey,
this isn't very fair! That person over there wasn't all that much
better on earth than I was."

St. Peter shrugs him off and says:

"Bo Derek's penance is none of your business."

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage177>