Collage 178               H u m o u r N e t               16 NOV 95

IMPORTANT HUMOURNET INFORMATION:

First: As I warned in the previous Collage, government employees
are currently furloughed. The upshot is that the U.S. government is
now running more efficiently than ever. :-) The down side is that
HumourNet is also temporarily furloughed. :-( There will probably be
Collages issued *very* intermittently, but nothing on a regular
basis until the furlough ends.

Second: Our much-heralded move to a ".edu" site has finally occurred!
I would like to extend a *very* sincere "THANK YOU!" to the great
folks at the Educational Computing Network--the academic computing
service of the Board of Governors Universities (BGU) in Illinois.
Thanks to them, HumourNet is now coming to you from a real listproc
(wow!) located at bgu.edu. I will be sending the new instructions
for subscribing/unsubscribing in the near future; note, also, that
these instructions appear in the trailer of every Collage. Since
we, um, *lost* about 50 subscribers in the transfer to the new site
(oops!), I will also be sending a final message from Colossus. All
this is in the future, though, since we still have this pesky little
government shutdown to contend with ...

So, to help mark a period during which you won't be hearing from me
too often, I am sending out a Collage that features someone about
whom we are hearing MUCH too often ...

O.J.

Yes, boys and girls, it's yet *another* O.J. Collage. Hey, the
stuff keeps coming in--and some of it even worthy of the excessive
air time! (Note for you newcomers: the most recent O.J. Collage was
number 162.)

Of course, O.J.'s antics are *also* helping to keep the material
flowing. Like his self-proclaimed "tireless search for the real
killer." Um, apparently Mr. Simpson thinks that the "real killer"
is working as a caddie for the local country club ...

And then there was Simpson's request for his personal belongings,
including a fake beard and mustache, a handgun, his Price Club
membership card, some Calvin Klein underwear, and $3.93.

I'm surprised that he didn't ask for the gloves back ...

Simpson's motion also claims prosecutors are holding his "V.I.P."
card to the Hooters chain of restaurants.

Now THAT I'd want returned to me. :-) I wonder if Marcia knows that
Chris is using O.J.'s Hooters card ... ?

BTW, a big "thanks!" to Jim in L.A. for the O.J. news stories (and,
really, *all* the news stories). And a big "thanks!" to this issue's
contributors:

Mark, for the "New Computer Virus,"

Steve, for the "Golfing Partnership from Hell,"

JD in New Jersey for the "O.J. Q.n.A." piece,

Cindy and JD for the *awesome* "Dine With Lance" piece,

Angie, for "Well, That Answers It,"

And Steve, for "More O.J. & Dr. Seuss."

The "Dine With Lance" piece ("Lance Ito's Sidebar and Grill") was
sent to me by at least half a dozen people; Cindy and JD pretty much
tied for the "winning" first-in slot, though, so they share the
attribution.

The rest of the material is also very good. BTW, "More O.J. & Dr.
Seuss" is a modification of the "Good One, Dr. Seuss" piece--submitted
by Craig--in Collage 162. It's a little long, but very entertaining.

Well, as the "tireless search" continues, so does the humor (and the
furlough) ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: New Computer Virus!

Simpson Virus--your computer deletes a couple of files unexpectedly,
dominates all net traffic for 14 months, and then announces that it
is searching for another virus.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Subject: Golfing Partnership from Hell
by L. Heller

O.J. Simpson is the slasher
Heidi Fleis in the hooker
Ted Kennedy keeps driving them into the water
Greg Lougainis (sp?) keeps getting them in the wrong hole

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: O.J. Q.n.A.

Q. Why is O.J. moving to West Virginia?
A. He'd rather be where everyone's DNA is the same.

Dir you hear that--at O.J.'s victory party--Kato asked O.J. if he
was planning to appeal?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dine With Lance

Lance Ito's Sidebar & Grill
"If You Have An Hour To Kill, Please Join Us For Dinner"

APPETIZERS

ROSA LOPEZ NACHOS...................$3.95
Spicy, with a thick Mexican accent.
Nachos haven't been this good since...well, we can't remember!
______________________________________

SALADS

KATO SALAD..............................$3.95
An empty head of lettuce, with very little dressing.
______________________________________

FROM THE BAR

RON GOLDMAN WINE....................$3.95
Young vintage, good body.  But you have to bring your own glasses.

PAULA BARBERI COCKTAIL............$3.95
O.J. with a little honey on the side.  Goes down real easy.

MARCIA CLARK BEER....................$1.95
We thought we had a case, but now we're not sure.
______________________________________

SANDWICHES

SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.............$4.25
Full of baloney, and hard to swallow,
but lots of stupid people are buying it!
______________________________________

SOUP

SOUP DuJURY..............................$4.95
Aged for over a year.  May be bitter.
______________________________________

FROM THE GRILL

MARK FUHRMAN CHICKEN PLATE....$5.95
Absolutely no dark meat.

VEAL A'LA NICOLE........................$4.95
Well-battered and sliced.

DENNIS FUNG PLATE......................$5.95
Grilled detective, served open face.
May be contaminated.
______________________________________

DESSERT

Sorry, our Bakery is TEMPORARILY CLOSED.
The Lawyers have taken all the dough.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Well, That Answers It ...

Q: What is Kato Kaelin proof of?
A: The fact that Gilligan and Ginger *did* have sex on the island.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More O.J. & Dr. Seuss
By Kevin Gering (Who must have WAY too much time on his hands ...)

I am Ron, I am dead.                    Ron
Dead by O.J.'s hand it's said.

Nicole too, she is dead.                Ron
Body spattered bloody red.

Did you do this awful crime?            Ito

I did not do this awful crime!          O.J.
I could not, would not, anytime!

Did you drive the Bronco white?         Ito
Did you flee in TV's sight?

I did not drive the bronco white.       O.J.
I did not flee in TV's sight.
I did not do this awful crime!
I could not, would not, anytime!

Did you take this person's life?        Ito
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not take this person's life.      O.J.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not drive the Bronco white.
I did not flee in  TV's sight.
I did not do this awful crime!
I could not, would not, anytime!

Do you like my new Hairdo?              Marcia
Don't you think it's really cool?

Don't like your doo.                    O.J.
Don't think it's cool.
Didn't take this life.
Not with a knife.
I did not drive the Bronco white.
I did not flee in  TV's sight.
I did not do this awful crime!
I could not, would not, anytime!

Shapiro? Bailey?                        Ito
Your big pro's?
Pay them! Pay them!
They need dough.

Yes I paid them,                        O.J.
Gave them dough.

You did kill them.                      Marcia
We will show.
Slashed their bodies,
laid them low.

I did not kill them,                    O.J.
I will show.
I could not, did not,
lay them low.
I do not like your new hairdo.
I do not think it's really cool.
I did not take this person's life.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not drive the Bronco white.
I did not flee in  TV's sight.
I did not do this awful crime!
I could not, would not, anytime!

A Glove! A Glove!                       Marcia
A Glove! A Glove!
Did you leave this Bloody Glove?

A bloody glove I did not leave!         O.J.
Fuhrman planted that you see!
I paid my lawyers lots of dough.
I could not, did not, lay them low.
I do not like your new hairdo.
I do not think it's really cool.
I did not take this person's life.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not drive the Bronco white.
I did not flee in  TV's sight.
I did not do this awful crime!
I could not, would not, anytime!

Say!                                    Marcia
DNA?
We found DNA!
Do we have your DNA?

You do not, have not,                   O.J.
my DNA.

Could Kato help us                      Marcia
prove our case?

Kato's brains are lost in space.        O.J.
That DNA won't help your case.
No bloody glove that I can wear.
I did not kill them. That I swear.
Don't like your doo. Didn't take this life.
Your doo's not cool. Not with a knife.
I did not drive the Bronco white.
I did not flee in  TV's sight.

You did not do this awful crime?        Ito

I could not, would not, anytime!        O.J.

The limo driver, did he see,            Marcia

The limo driver did not see.            O.J.

Did a dog bark by the tree?             Marcia

Not one dog barked near that tree.      O.J.
The limo driver did not see.
Kato's brains are lost in space.
That DNA won't help your case.
No bloody glove that I can wear.
I did not kill them. That I swear.
I could not, would not, lay them low.
I paid my lawyers lots of dough.
I do not like your new hairdo.
I do not think it's really cool.
I did not take this person's life.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not drive the Bronco white.
I did not flee in  TV's sight.
I did not do this awful crime!
I could not, would not, anytime!

Is O.J. guilty?                        Marcia
So we say.
If he's guilty
he will pay.
Jury judge him now I say!

Jury!                                   O.J.
If you will set me free,
I'll be good.
You will see.

Not Guilty!                             Jury

I guiltless of this awful crime!        O.J.
And now I won't do any time!
That dog was sleeping near that tree.
The limo driver, blind was he.
Kato's brains are still lost in space.
That DNA wasn't my race.
The bloody glove too small to wear.
I did not kill them. That I swear.
I never ever laid them low.
I owe my lawyers lots of dough.
I did not like your old hairdo.
I did not think it really cool.
I did not take that person's life.
I did not kill them with a knife.
OK I drove the Bronco white.
OK I fled in  TV's sight.
I did not do this awful crime!
I could not, would not, anytime!

I didn't do                             O.J.
this awful crime!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Lawyers mine!

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