Collage 179               H u m o u r N e t               17 NOV 95

According to the St. Petersburg Times ...

This past August, Carolyn Christian and her minister-husband filed
a lawsuit against a school that trains guide dogs.

It seems that one of the school's recent graduates was taking his
new owner for a stroll in a Bradenton, Florida, shopping mall, when
the blind man--misunderstanding the dog's instructions--stepped on
the woman's toe.

According to reports, the Christians (what an appropriate name for
a minister & his wife!) saw the pair coming, but refused to move
from their path.

The Christians filed a $160,000 lawsuit against the school, claiming
that Carolyn's toe had been broken.

I wonder what the good minister's take is on "Do unto others ... "?
(Apparently, God didn't have the foresight to command, "Though shalt
not file frivolous lawsuits, especially against those more deserving
than thou." :-)

The Christians withdrew their lawsuit a few days later, citing
public outrage. (What a surprise ...)

With any luck, they will now (hopefully) try to qualify for a lawsuit
against Amtrack by playing "chicken" with a really big train ... :-)
(Nothing personal against Amtrack here; I'm just hoping that the
train wins.)

Meanwhile, they serve us as opener-fodder for our first (I think)
"All Religious Humor" Collage. Kudos for the contributions go to:

Jenni, for "Solid Proof That Animals Have Feelings, Too,"

Shawn in Canada, for "But It Was Only a Peek,"

Lorraine, for "Minor Error," and

Ken in Australia, for "Delusions of Grandeur."

("Finer Points of Having a Bad Day" was submitted quasi-anonymously.)

Go in peace (and humor) ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--As always, please keep in mind: "We don't mean to offend,
we just want the money." :-)
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Solid Proof That Animals Have Feelings, Too

A Hindu Priest, a Rabbi, and a T.V. Evangelist were traveling
together and stopped for the night at an old farmhouse.

The farmer said, "I only have two rooms to spare, but there is a
barn."

The Hindu Priest said, "I'm used to hardship, I'll sleep in the
barn."

The other two retired to their rooms, and had just settled into bed
when there came a knock at the front door. They answered it to find
the Hindu Priest, who complained, "You didn't tell me there was a
cow in the barn!"

The Rabbi said, "Okay, no problem, I'll sleep in the barn."

Again, everyone had just settled down when there was another knock
at the door. The Rabbi admonished, "I didn't know there was a pig
in the barn!"

The T.V. evangelist said, "Okay, okay, the barn's fine with me."

Once again, everyone settled down just to be interrupted by yet
another knock at the door. They opened it to find ... the cow and
the pig.

[Editor's Note: I was considering rewriting this with Mr. Christian
in place of the televangelist, but I was afraid Jenni might get
upset. So just picture it, instead ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But It Was Only a Peek ...

A priest walked into a bar and found a raucous scene. Everyone was
dancing, drinking and yelling and the music was blaring. Suddenly,
they noticed his entrance, and the entire patronage became quiet.

He approached the bar and asked to use the facilities. The barkeep
leaned over and whispered, "I don't think that's a very good idea,
Father." The barkeep obviously wanted the priest to leave, lest
business slow down.

"Please, sir," begged the priest. "I won't be long."

"You see, Father, it's like this," the bartender explained.
"There's a beautiful statute of a naked woman in the restroom, and
she's covered with only a figleaf. We just don't want you to be
offended."

"Ah, my good man, not to worry," assured the priest. "If that's the
only thing that's bothering you, you have no problem. I shall take
no notice of the statue."

With that, the bartender told the priest where to go, and off the
cleric went. When he returned, the action in the bar was in full
swing again. He questioned the bartender. "A few moments ago
everything was quiet and calm. Now--pandemonium! What happend?"

"Well," said the bartender with a grin, you're one of us now."

"I don't understand," answered the priest.

"You see, Father, the lights in the bar go off whenever the figleaf
is lifted."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Minor Error ...

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a
man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was
grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who
greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving
your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are
granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own
discression meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father
without prior appointment."

"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the
ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual
conversations between God and the prophets of old?" "I would love to
see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over
time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was
thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's
relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the
library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels game running
to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.

There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchament,
repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R' ..."

The word was "celibrate."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Finer Points of Having a Bad Day

It got really crowded in heaven, so they decided only to accept
people who'd had a really bad day on the day they died. On the first
morning when they employed this policy, St. Peter was standing at
the pearly gates, and he said to the first man in line, "Tell me
about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the
act. I searched all over the apartment, and couldn't find him
anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony (we live on the 25th
floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips.
So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He
fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went
inside, got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and
it crushed him. The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart
attack, and so I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was pretty bad, so he let the man
into heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day _he_
died. "Well, sir, it was just awful. I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I
managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me, but then
some maniac came out and started pounding on my hands! I fell, of
course, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy
came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!!"

St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets him into heaven, and decides that he
could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you
died," he said to the third man. "Okay, picture this. I'm naked,
hiding inside of a refrigerator ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Delusions of Grandeur

A fanatic golfer dies and goes to Heaven. On arriving he meets St.
Peter at the pearly gates and notices that St. Peter has a full set
of golf clubs slung over his shoulder. "Wow! do you play much golf
up here!" he asks.

"Oh yes, son, we play every day--in fact I am just off to play a
round now. Would you like to join me and another chap for a game?"

The golfer cannot believe his luck and immediately agrees to join
them. They are soon at the most wonderful golf course he has ever
seen, and St. Peter drives off, sending the ball at least 300 yards
straight down the fairway.

The next chap places his ball on the tee and says, "I will attempt
to hit the large Oak tree on the left of the fairway, bounce across
the fairway, strike the large elm tree on the right and bounce over
the sandtrap and gently roll over the hill down onto the centre of
the green 3 feet from the pin."

The guy swings at the ball, slices it terribly and ends up deep in
the rough 30 yards from the tee!

This carries on every shot the chap has--bragging about what he is
going to do, but every time playing a really lousy shot!

The golfer eventually pulls St. Peter aside and asks, "This guy is
terrible. Plus, all the production he's making out of each
shot--who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

St. Peter answers, "No, he IS Jesus Christ, but he THINKS he's
Arnold Palmer!"

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