Collage 180               H u m o u r N e t               20 NOV 95

And now, we present this year's winner for the HumourNet "Terminally
Stupid" award ... <sound of envelope opening> ...

Kevin Hall.
<sound of applause>

Eighteen-year-old Kevin accidentally shot himself in the groin when
he tried to show his girlfriend the sawed-off shotgun in his ... uh,
pants.

(I guess she wasn't very impressed with the other one ... ;-)

He was treated at a hospital Friday for a cut to his penis and
powder burns on the inside of his thigh. Police then arrested him
on several charges, including possession of a sawed-off shotgun.

("Well, Kevin, we have good news and bad news for you. The good
news is: You are going to live. [Editor's Note: and, unfortunately,
be able to reproduce.] The bad news is: You're going to have to
explain--IN PUBLIC--exactly how this happened. The we-could-not-
decide-if-this-was-good-news-or-bad-news is: Apparently, your penis
is a small enough target that it escaped virtually unscathed.")

Police were called to the scene after someone reported a shooting on
a street corner. When they arrived, they found Hall lying on the
ground clutching his groin. His pants, which had a large hole, were
still smoking.

(He blew a large hole in his pants? It was still smoking when police
arrived? Hey, if this guy plays his cards right, he won't have any
trouble getting a date for a loooong time ...)

Kevin told police he was the victim of a drive-by shooting. But his
girlfriend said Kevin was showing her the gun he had in his pants
when the weapon went off. (Women! You can never trust them to keep
the REALLY IMPORTANT secrets. :-)

Hmmm ... I wonder if she specified which "weapon" she was referring
to. Either way, I'm sure that's the last time she'll ever say, "Hey,
is that a *gun* in your pocket ... ?"

Thanks to Lorraine for that news tidbit, and for many of the tidbits
appearing in this "All News Stories" Collage. Thanks, also, to Shawn
for the section entitled, "And Still MORE News."

Just remember: If it weren't for people (and, in some cases,
*animals*) like the ones in these stories, CNN would be boring.
Well, for some of you, I'd have to change that to: " ... CNN would
be *even more* boring."

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

WEIRDNUZ.401 (News of the Weird, October 13, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* In an August story on improvements to the Seattle, Wash., waste
treatment plant, the Seattle Daily Journal of Commerce reported on
the Vancouver firm that manufactures the hard-shell diving suits
used by the "pilots" who jump into the tanks and monitor effluent
flow. The suits provide air for up to 48 hours, contain voice and
video connections to the surface, and have thrusters for propulsion
throughout the sewage. The longstanding brand name of the diving
suit is The Newtsuit. (Republicans should relax; the suit is named
after the firm's founder, Phil Nuytten.) [Seattle Daily Journal of
Commerce, 4-29-95]

THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY

* Warren E. Smith filed a $3 million lawsuit in Roanoke, Va., in
April against palm reader Lola Rose Miller because she sold him bad
numbers to play in the state lottery. He is suing for the amount of
that week's grand prize, which he says he should have won.
[Washington Times, 4-5-95]

* In May, Jose and Maria Tercero filed a lawsuit against the Santa
Fe, New Mexico, School Board and various officials for unspecified
injuries suffered by their son, Jesse, from the act of carving a
jack-o'-lantern last October. The Terceros said forcing Jesse to
carve the pumpkin violated his religious freedom because he does not
celebrate Halloween. [Albuquerque Journal, 5-22-95]

* The Minnesota Court of Appeals ruled in February that the King of
Clubs Bar in Minneapolis could be sued by a wife whose husband
assaulted her on the way home after the couple had stopped by the
bar for a few drinks. [St. Paul Pioneer Press, 2- 21-95]

* In June, a jury in Pensacola, Fla., awarded nearly $600,000 to
Pedro Duran, 56, in his lawsuit against the CSX company. Duran lost
his left arm and suffered a broken back and leg when a CSX train hit
him as he lay on the tracks, passed out from a round of drinking.
According to trial testimony, an engineer spotted what he thought
was a lump of trash on the tracks and sounded the whistle as a
precaution for 54 seconds before the collision. However, the "lump
of trash"--Duran--didn't move. [Orlando Sentinel-AP, 7-1-95]

* In May, Laura Carlton, 23, accepted an out-of-court settlement by
the City of Victoria, British Columbia, in her lawsuit for injuries
she suffered when a police officer inadvertently shot her during a
raid. She had sued for around $200,000--$50,000 of which was for
her loss of earnings as a prostitute, which she regarded as a
stepping stone to a future as an exotic dancer. [Edmonton Journal,
5-28-95]

I DON'T THINK SO

* Martin George Clever, 32, arrested in Lakewood, Colo., for
burglary in July, told police that he entered the home in the early
evening because he saw two naked dolls in the yard pointing to a
sliding-glass door. He said he thought they were inviting him
inside. [Denver Post, 7-18-95]

* Charles McFarling, 39, cited by police in Indianapolis in June in
a traffic collision that killed a woman in another car, said he ran
the red light because he was thinking too intensely about material
he had learned the day before in a defensive-driving course.
[Indianapolis Star, 6-7-95]

* In court testimony in August in the New York City terrorist
bombing trial, since-convicted Fadil Abdelghani testified that,
although he was caught on videotape stirring the bomb's oil and
fertilizer, he had no knowledge that he was making a bomb. Asked a
prosecutor, "Something came over you and you had an urge to start
stirring?" Said Abdelghani, "I had nothing to do, and I wanted to
help [my cousin's friends]." [New York Times, 8-23-95]

* Police in Collinsville, Ill., arrested Earl Templeton, 38, and
charged him with passing three counterfeit $100 bills. According to
police, Templeton said he was not trying to enrich himself but
rather to stimulate the economy. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 6-17-95]

* In May, Dorothy Diane Rose, who is in a halfway house in Tampa,
Fla., the result of a 1990 trial in which she was found not guilty
by reason of insanity for strangling her two toddlers, petitioned
her judge in Tampa, Fla., to be released because she has a job lined
up. According to a counselor, a local couple wants to hire her as a
babysitter. [Tampa Tribune, May95]

* In Sonora, Calif., in August, former U. S. Forest Service
employee Gary Gunderson, 43, was convicted of theft of what
prosecutors said were "truckloads" of items of government property.
Gunderson said he might have borrowed a few things but that because
he suffers from Usher's syndrome, which he said causes visual
impairment, he wasn't able to see well enough to realize that he had
a lot more stuff than he thought. [Sacramento
Bee-AP, 8-31-95]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use
may be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up

* A British judge's ceremonial wig and robes disappeared shortly
before he entered court. His rock-musician son borrowed them to
wear on stage.

* Chinese archaeologists inadvertently grew tomatoes from
2,000-year-old seeds they found in a bamboo tube buried in an
ancient tomb. Tasted just like store-bought, they said.

* An arsenal of bug bombs did more than kill the roaches at a
Santa Ana, Calif., home for the develomentally disabled. It
detonated a pilot light from a gas stove, raised part of the roof,
dislocated two walls and shattered windows. Luckily, no one was home.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss, from _The Seattle Times_, Saturday, August
26, 1995. Reprinted without permission.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: And Still MORE News ...

Why Should that Stop You?:
Confession overheard on a Madison Avenue bus, one woman to her
companion: "I'd love to be a therapist, but I have no interest in
people."

He's Not Kidding!:
A beggar seated in front of Radio City Music Hall was all but
ignored as the lunchtime crowds walked by. Finally, he gave his cup
of change one loud shake and called out, "Last chance--I'm leaving!"

*Really* Bad Lawyers:
An armed robber in Oklahoma was granted an appeal of his two
convictions of 32 and 35 years on the grounds that the sentencing
judge erred when telling the jury that defendants are "presumed not
guilty" instead of "presumed innocent." After the retrial, he was
found guilty again and sentenced to ... 65 years.

Too Stupid to Live:
A man in Williamsburg, Virginia died of smoke inhalation after going
into his burning garage to save his ... Porsche.

Singaporeans are Odd:
A man had been sentenced to 3 months for assaulting a police
officer. He persuaded the judge that what he really needed in order
to straighten out his life was ... 12 months in prison. The judge
granted his request (at least in part).

Hey, They're a Draw!:
An international Men's Conference in Ottawa was much better attended
this year (150 men) than last year (5 men), mostly because the event
was organized by women this time.

Yeah, Right
A Gallup poll found that 80% of men considered themselves to be
above-average drivers.

That's One Bad Bird:
A bad-tempered parrot named Henry has been banned from a national
women's lawn-bowling championship in Britain for laughing and making
disrespectful remarks. [Seattle Times, 8-19-95]

I Guess Microsoft Bought the Rights:
BobFest--a yearly pilgrimage to Avon, Colo., for Bobs, friends of
Bobs, mothers of Bobs, and sons of Bobs--will be discontinued, says
its organizer ... whose name is Tom.

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