Collage 182               H u m o u r N e t               22 NOV 95

According to a recent news story, seventy-year-old psychologist
Ann Moliver Ruben designed a tee-shirt and sold it to a local branch
of the Wal-Mart department store chain. The tee-shirt read:

"Someday, A Woman Will Be President"

(Okay, so this really isn't a *recent* story--look, this is
*Humour*Net, not NewsNet or CNN-Net ... :-)

The store sold two-thirds of the 204 shirts it had purchased, then
stopped selling them after a customer complained. According to
Wal-Mart spokeswoman Jane Bockholt, "It was determined the tee-shirt
was offensive to some people, and so the decision was made to pull
it from the sales floor."

I'm sure you're all thinking the same thing I am right now; namely,
"Huh?"

Hey, I'm not exactly the mouthpiece for the political-correctness
movement (otherwise known as "How To Be More Insecure Than Dan Quayle
At A Mensa Convention"), but this one has me genuinely perplexed. Are
we really *that* pathetic? Or were the Wal-Mart execs envisioning
*Hillary* when they made the decision to pull the shirts? :-) I guess
I can scratch Wal-Mart off the list of potential corporate sponsors
for my "Margaret Thatcher in '96" campaign ...

Wal-Mart execs really need to put things into perspective here--we're
only talking about a woman being *president*. I mean, I could see it
if the tee-shirt read, "Someday, A Woman Will Be Piloting Your
Commercial Airliner" ... Now THAT'S scary. Not because I think women
don't make good pilots, mind you. I'm just afraid that the NTSB
(National Transportation Safety Board--the group that investigates
aeronautical crashes, among other things) investigation will
conclude that--moments before impact--the pilot was doing her makeup
in the rear-view mirror.

But there are still *plenty* of other career paths available to
today's woman; certainly, President of the United States, microlaser
surgeon, and "girl in an MTV video" number among them. In fact, these
and other potential career paths are discussed this Collage's feature
piece, "Girls: America Loves 'Em!"

In this somewhat satirical look at the everything-will-be-okay-if-we-
just-drill-it-into-their-heads-that-they-can-do-anything mentality,
Time magazine presents us with one of the most amusing investigations
of the life form commonly referred to as the "girl." Naturally, it
also provides a comical (albeit pretty accurate :-) look at the male
perspective on the issue, via in-depth interviews with everything
from surfers to attorneys to brokers.

The article dates back to 1984 (and the nearly-twelve-year-difference
in culture is readily apparent as you read the article), and is--I
believe--excerpted from an issue that presented a series of such
articles. I'm not sure of this fact, nor am I inclined to go look it
up--but I encourage *you* to do so, even if just for the equally-
entertaining pictures and captions that (sadly) could not be included
here.

This utterly hysterical article marks HumourNet's one-year
anniversary. And, coincidentally, we subscribed our one-thousandth
HumourNetter today! Not bad for a list that "went public" with all
of 60 subscribers last July. To everyone who has submitted material
to me over the last year--and to everyone who has dropped me notes
occasionally to let me know that a particular piece or opener was
found to be particularly humorous--I'd like to extend a rather large
"THANKS!" And another big "thanks!" to the entire list: in the
course of this past year, I have not received a *single* flame
(obnoxious complaint) about either the material that I've run or the
openers that I've written--pretty impressive, considering that I
sometimes hear from other humor-list moderators who've had to deal
with such things (and especially considering that I occasionally
walk--or cross--the line on sensitive issues). Thanks to everyone
for a great year, and for making my job as moderator a most enjoyable
one.

Happy Anniversary, Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy the Collage (it's a
long one, but hey, it's an anniversary issue). See ya next week!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--MANY thanks to Kim for providing this article.
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

From "Time," January 16, 1984/"Sexes" ...

                     GIRLS: AMERICA LOVES 'EM!
 Research proves they are cuddly and cute--and attractive to men ...

      "What is the sound of one girl shopping?"--Zen proverb
            "Girls on film/Girls on film"--Duran Duran

"Great," enthuses William Danelo, a small, angular man with an
infectious grin and an impressive academic background. "Really
swell," he murmurs, staring out toward the beach from the
comfortable offices of his Santa Monica-based law firm. Is the
former Harvard Law Review editor contemplating the acquisition of a
new corporate client or the resolution of an important dispute? Not
this time. Mr. Danelo is thinking about the girls strolling by on
the boardwalk.

And Mr. Danelo is not alone. All across America, and in many
European countries, girls have reached an all-time-high approval
rating from heterosexual men. This comes at a time when new
research studies are delving further and further into the actual
world of the girl.

Plato defined a girl as "the one I'm sleeping with that doesn't look
anything like me." But in our modern-day culture, where Greeks run
diners and serve as satiric fodder for second-rate television skits,
a girl is generally considered to be a female somewhere between 14
and 22 who owns or has ready access to a telephone. "Before the age
of 14, there are 'little girls,'" stresses Psychologist Michael
Graves. "Not much is known about them except that they cannot be
transported across interstate lines." Often found in schools or
scouting troops, the little girl lies outside the scope of this
article.

Yells Tony Lama, 19: "Hey, scope this one!" A part-time surfer from
Long Beach, Calif., electrodes strapped to face and body, he would
probably be electrocuted if he ventured into the pounding waves
right now.

Lama is part of a scientific study to determine the kind of girls
men like. Researchers flash pictures of tall girls, sullen girls,
biker girls, arc-welding girls, wistful girls and more, plus a
control group of slides of Joey Bishop eating shrimp.

Head Researcher Dr. Donald Gideon observes that Lama appears
visibly distressed when an electronic simulation of Middleweight
Champion Marvin Hagler approaches a girl Lama has rated highly via
an intricately detailed penile-movements chart. In this sequence,
"Hagler" invites the attractive, swimsuited Tammy to put down her
ice cream cone and "see what a real man can do that no cone can't."

"It's confirming what my associates and I have intuitively felt for
a long time," announces Gideon, a wan, sadistic type who does not
often venture outdoors. "Results so far indicate that guys like
girls who are cute and perky, preferably wearing swimsuits, and
definitely not out socially with Marvin Hagler."

"I'm not really surprised," opines Kathy D., 17, a girl from nearby
Redondo Beach. Blonde, slender and attractive, Kathy is the type of
girl scientists find guys go for "in a big way." Guys list "fun to
be with" as her No. 1 attribute, followed by "nice smile" and
"really gets a good grip on it, doesn't mess around."

Kathy feels that America under-values its girls, whom she sees as
our country's No. 2 resource "after the big trees you can drive
cars through." Says Kathy: "Girls can be brain surgeons or
cheerleaders, astronauts or pals. There's really, totally, nothing
we couldn't do if only socialism--no, I mean, uhm, society, right,
sociey--would let us."

Is society at fault, keeping girls in high schools and junior
colleges when they could be performing surgery with microlasers or
piloting the space shuttle? Most people feel this is not the case.

"I'd much prefer to have someone who has gone through medical school
and has a long and distinguished career in his specialty perform a
delicate operation rather than a girl, no matter how cute and
perky," exclaims Josh Bonmitt, who invests other people's money and
then doesn't return their phone calls for a leading midtown
Manhattan brokerage firm. "We have a saying around the office--a
girl for pleasure, a boy to deliver interoffice communications, but
for delicate surgery, a middle-aged Jew whose wife likes to shop a
good deal."

Kathy D. would disagree, but a close examination of her own life
shows little time for flight training or a productive stint in
medical school. A reporter assigned to Kathy, in addition to
discovering that "her blue silk panties with the white trim are a
nice complement to her tan, lithe, yearning body, at least as seen
through this expense-account telescope," also found out that a good
deal of her phone calls have little to do with exploratory surgery
or the atmospheric composition of distant planets. Kathy talks
mostly about "how cute Kenny looked in his cutoffs and football
jersey today."

When confronted with this evidence, Kathy sped off for cheerleading
practice in her 240Z. There she performed a series of splits and
cartwheels, led a spirited victory yell and smiled coyly when Kenny
sprinted over to say hello. When later questioned about the seeming
contradictions between her words and deeds, Kathy exclaimed: "How
did you get into the locker room? If you don't get out right now,
I'm going to scream. I mean it ..."

Dr. Gideon points out that many girls seem to embody and indeed
embrace such contradictions. "And that's why we love them," he
adds. Yet girls have not always occupied such an affection-filled
rung in society's ladder. Evidence supports the hypothesis that the
ancient Egyptians used girls to help construct the Pyramids, and
often assigned them distasteful tasks such as cleaning up after one
of the many animal gods that roamed freely about the temples. The
Egyptians have no words for "Kenny" or "prom."

The Romans treated their girls more kindly, frequently allowing them
to carry food and wine around before the scene where the slaves
rebel and break into the dining area, denouncing the pretensions and
decadence of their rulers. The Middle Ages left little written
record of their girls, although fragments remain of a song cycle
concerning the deeds of halter-clad lasses from the court of King
Arthur.

Even in the present day, certain parts of the world have become
suspect in their treatment of girls. Becky Connors, president of
"Girls: Active, Nice, Decent, Happy Individuals" (GANDHI),
complains that in Eastern Europe there are hardly any decent
shopping malls, proms are held in tractor factories and the price of
a nice pair of shoes equals three months' wages. "And Duran Duran
never tours there, either," Becky reminds us before dashing off to
work at The Gap. Later, on the telephone, she informs us that her
organization was named in honor of the fallen Indian statesman
because "Cheryl and I went to see the movie at Cinema Village last
year and it was real good, even if it was kinda long. What Gandhi
did for the Indian people we'd like to do for girls, and still keep
up our grades." Becky lowers her voice dramatically and whispers
words dear to her organization: "Mrs. Patterson's back now and
I've got to hang up. Bye."

Involved, aware, earning $3.69 an hour, Becky seems a typical girl.
But is there really such a creature as a "typical girl"? Girl
Observer H.R. Humbert feels otherwise. Says Humbert: "There are
many different types of girls in the United States. In fact, there
are many different types right here in this schoolyard. Among the
types:

Sorority Girls--Often among the most aesthetically pleasing, they
are frequently bred for shopping and lounging and become useless in
outdoor situations, such as camping. There the harsh elements often
wreak havoc with carefully arranged hair and heavily lacquered
nails.

California Girls--This category encompasses the sub-genus of Valley
girl, a topic too much ink and paper have already been wasted on.
California girls live a much more outdoorsy type of existence than
their sorority counterparts and radiate a wholesome, wind-swept,
surf-blown look. Their performance is rated best while in a
convertible.

Party Girls--More unkempt in appearance than the sorority girl, the
party girl likes chugging potent spirits from a U. of Mass.
drinking mug, dancing with too many buttons undone on her blouse and
having sexual adventures atop a pile of coats in the back room
"Party girls enjoy a steady if somewhat limited popularity,"
acknowledges Humbert.

Nice Jewish Girls--Not really girls at all, but rather a "carefully
conceived retailing device operated by large furniture outlets and
department stores."

Southern Girls--Generally more decorous and restrained than their
Northern sisters, Southern girls can become volatile when surrounded
by others of their own kind. "They're generally charming and quite
attractive," notes Humbert. "But turn on them and they'll scratch
your eyes out faster than you can say she-crab soup.'"

Girls from the Wrong Side of the Tracks--A rootless tribe, they
forage sporadically for fancy dresses and their own rooms, but
usually settle for early pregnancies and disturbed relatives. "They
can attain a certain early innocent appeal," muses Humbert. "But by
age 18, they're generally shot to hell."

Ghetto Girls--Fierce, notably independent, the ghetto girls have
been known to hunt their weaker suburban sisters for sport but
generally stick to their "turf," where they are herded closely
together. They have occasionally been known to be attracted by
large radios and bright shiny objects.

The Girls of the Ivy League--Serious creatures, often not without
their charms--including large trusts--but prone to either
hypercompetitiveness (preprofessional type) or intermittent nervous
breakdowns (serious artist with a crying need for self-expression
type). "A highly specialized breed," notes Humbert. "High-strung
like small yapping dogs that nuzzle against you and then try to bite
off your nose."

As even a partial list should demonstrate, there are as many
different types of girls as fingers on a man with slightly more than
an average number of fingers. "Girls--they're great," says a
smiling, electrode- laden Tony Lama, his gaze following a svelte,
bikini-clad young miss frolicking merrily in the surf. A nation
with girls from sea to shining sea, America can only say: "Yes,
that's right."

WHAT DO GIRLS THINK?

We asked a random sample of girls between 14 and 22 the following
questions, and received the following responses:

What I Like About Boys:
   They buy you meals and stuff: 62%
   They're really cute, especially lifeguards: 53%
   When you have a boyfriend, other girls respect you more: 42%
   Names you can write on a notebook: 27%
   They try to get you drunk, so you can drink all you want: 15%
   Sex and making out: 12%
   They have neat cars/can drive you to cheerleading practice: 11%
   Football uniforms: 9%
   They can lift things: 7%
   They can see parking spaces at the mall better: 2%

When I Grow Up I Want to Be ...
   Mother and astronaut: 34%
   Linda Evans: 26%
   Nice: 24%
   Actress and model: 20%
   Cowboy cheerleader/brain surgeon: 17%
   Near Mick Jagger: 11%
   First Lady: 5%
   Girl in an MTV video: 4%

My Best Friend Is ...
   Kathy: 18%
   Tracey: 17%
   Debbie: 16%
   Susie: 15%
   Maggie: 13%
   Jackie: 12%
   Beckie: 10%
   Mick Jagger: 8%

(Percentages may add up to greater than 100 due to multiple responses.)

By M. Chevalier. Reported by Brandy Liqueur/Santa Monica, Gerilee
Lewis/Long Beach and P. Ping Tom in the locker room.

Copyright 1984, Time Inc.
Reprinted without permission.

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