Collage 184               H u m o u r N e t               29 NOV 95

Welcome to yet another in a series of Dave Barry Collages; this time,
Dave talks to us about *relationships*. Oddly, Dave seems to think
that men have trouble with the concept of the "relationship." Of
course, nothing could be farther from the truth.

For instance, many men develop very close, intimate relationships
with their favorite beers--and have even been known to fight over
them. Cars are also a common target of male affection--how many men
(come on, guys, be honest here) put "super unleaded" gasoline in
their cars on Valentine's Day--and forget where they left the
Whitman's Sampler?

And then there's professional sports. The average guy (where *is* he,
anyway?) belittles his significant other's interest in decorations
and clothing as a "waste of time" on "insignificant [stuff]," but
will stake his life savings on next week's game.

Yup, highly-unscientific studies have shown that men are capable of
developing very intimate associations with professional sports teams.
For example, consider the recently-hyped Cleveland Browns move to
Baltimore: CNN was interviewing the Cleveland fandom (ex-fandom?)
to get their response to the news, and a cab-driver/interviewee was
quite clearly crying during the interview.

Aren't we getting just a little too attached here?

Yes, men develop *very* meaningful relationships with their favorite
sports teams. And that raises an interesting question: aren't these
teams--which are the objects of men's affection here--composed almost
exclusively of, um, MEN? I mean, would these men be crying if, say,
the Cleveland Browns CHEERLEADERS were being moved? Personally, I'd
be MUCH more broken up about *that* ...

Of course, the topic of Dave's piece is the inability of the common
male (genus "Maelo Commonus") to develop an intimate relationship
with a *woman*. Okay, no arguments here; remember that German men cite
"tax breaks" as their primary reason for marriage (Collage 170). Heck,
with logic like that, it's no *wonder* women are so enamored by us
these days ...

Many thanks to Cindy for providing yet *another* Dave Barry piece.
And many thanks to Dave for putting this whole "relationship" thing
into perspective for us.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

She Drives For a Relationship, He's Lost in the Transmission
by Dave Barry

CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a
long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship
with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever.
With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys
don't really grasp what women mean by the term "relationship."

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they
enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and
after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by
our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some
kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And
Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking:
But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either.
Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to
think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really
even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ...
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer...
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from
our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
sensed--even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and
this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid
those incompetent thieves $600.

COMMUNICATIONS GAP

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. Gosh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for
a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting
right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with,
a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care
about me. A person who is in pain because of my schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a gosh darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh
Gosh, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.
I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine
says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

A BEFUDDLED BEAU

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really
feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the
far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding
world hunger.)

IT'S ANALYSIS TIME

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight
hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said
and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification. They will continue to
discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it,
either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown,
and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking
about different planets, in completely different solar systems.
Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their
relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a
duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular
topic is as follows:

Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you
want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to
remember is:

1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a
relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have
to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle
references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:

-- "Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we
have a relationship?"

-- "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
relationship! You and I do, I mean."

-- "Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our
fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we
have a relationship!"

-- "Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have
only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a
wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a
relationship."

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and
eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he
might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking
with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say,
"Elaine and I, we have, ummm... We have, ahhh... We... We have
this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.

The next relationship-enhancement tip is:

2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By "hasty," I
mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely reluctant to make
commitments. This is because they never feel ready.

"I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready
to make a commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of
nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a
350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in
time for Thanksgiving.

-----
Excerpted from the forthcoming book, "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to
Guys" by Dave Barry, (c) 1995 by Dave Barry. Reprinted with the
permission of Random House Inc. Distributed by Tribune Media
Services Inc.

[Editor's Note: Surely, this was reprinted *somewhere* "with the
permission of Random House Inc.," but that somewhere isn't here. :-)
</vs>]

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