Collage 185               H u m o u r N e t               30 NOV 95

According to a recent Reuter news story, "A suspicious bulge in the
crotch gave a Filipino shopper away. Twenty-year-old Norbin Soler
was inching his way out of a Manila department store when security
guards noticed an unnatural swell in his crotch and grabbed him,
police said."

(I wonder how security guards were able to discern the difference
between a "natural" swell and an "unnatural" swell?)

"A search of the suspicious area yielded five different styles of
brassieres, they said. Soler is being held on theft charges."

Okay, now lemme get this straight: some 20-year-old kid stuffing at
least five bras down his shorts in the middle of a department store
goes unnoticed. But the crack security team--apparently eyeing the
bulges of exiting shoppers to pass the time--nabs him because
his--uh--*bulge* appears to be "unnatural." Unnaturally WHAT?
Unnaturally large? But some guy hanging around (so to speak) in the
lingerie department, stuffing ladies' merchandise down his shorts
is *not* considered unnatural ... ?

An interesting security team they have there. The story closes with
the statement, "Manila shopping malls are plagued with shoplifters
during the approach of the Christmas season, police said."

No problem--just post a crack team of "bulge-watchers" at all the
exits ...

Many thanks to Jim for sending me that holiday news story. And the
first piece in Collage 185 is another important holiday news story,
"Right-Sizing the North Pole," submitted by Dave. And Brian. And
Scott. And probably several others whose names failed to make it
onto the list (sorry). (I usually only credit the first person to
submit the piece, but I'm feeling a little extra charitable this
holiday season. :-)

The second piece, entitled "The Gingrinch That Stole Congress," is
another Dr. Seuss-style rhyme (much like the Lance Ito/O.J. versions,
only much better). The best way to enjoy this one is to suspend your
political beliefs--whether they be left or right--just long enough
to read the piece. The first half is okay, but the second half is
very clever (and very funny). "The Gingrinch ..." is presented here
with many thanks to Brad in New Zealand.

Merry Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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SUBJ: Right-Sizing the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

The streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and
mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He
could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment,
made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
- to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
- hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
- cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
- could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
- loves the French;

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
- system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
- determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
- they talked;

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
- Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
- have negative implications for institutional investors.
- Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
- T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
- afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
- egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
- productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
- selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from
- now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
- times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
- are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some
- new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
- heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
- is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
- job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
- the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
- will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
- longer do the steps;

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
- expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
- Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
- congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
- the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
- unemployed congressmen this year;

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
- of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
- quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
- savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other such overhead. Though incomplete, studies
indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.
If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Gingrinch That Stole Congress
(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)
apparently by Mike Corso, CNI Telecom

Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!
He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!

He hated the way they had no jobs at all,
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he had a small weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
But probably what most explained the man's life
Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.

Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in a hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"
He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal.
And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger--hooray!"

The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.
Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks love!
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
Boy!" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"

They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.

They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

The next day the Gingrinch sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.

The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!
Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"

And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.

They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all--they just didn't want to pay!

And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.

The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.
"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...

And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.

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