Collage 186               H u m o u r N e t                1 DEC 95

This one was recently on the AP news wire:

"A billboard ad campaign for the Oakland Ballet was just too sexy
for its tutu, so directors [are] pulling it ...

"The billboards showed two ballet dancers and read: 'Go ahead, take
another date to miniature golf, and die a virgin. Oakland Ballet. You
just might like it.'"

Now, let me start by saying the I'm a big fan of the ballet, and a
regular contributor to (and patron of) the ABT. But we need to be
realistic, here: attending the ballet *ain't* gonna get you--um--
de-virginized. You can't even *whisper* at the ballet. Anything of,
uh, *biblical* proportions is RIGHT OUT.

In fact, you stand a better chance of being de-virginized inside the
windmill on hole number 15 at the local miniature golf course ...

The story goes on to say, "One of the ads appeared across from San
Lorenzo High School, and an assistant principal said it sent the
wrong message to teen-agers.

"'I don't know if it's an appropriate thing to be aimed at our high
school,' said Sheryl Cambra. 'They are suggesting being a virgin is
bad.'"

Hmmm ... anything you'd care to discuss with us, Sheryl? ;-)

And later in the story, "The billboard was part of the ballet's
campaign to widen its attraction to untapped markets--families,
dating singles, sports-minded men and female shopping-mall patrons."

Uh-huh. Lemme get this straight: you're threatening "families" with
the risk of not being de-virginized. Correct me if I'm wrong, but
isn't being de-virginized one of the primary *causes* for "families"
in the first place?

And just how many "female shopping-mall patrons" in Oakland take
their dates to miniature-golf courses? Moreover, how many of them
are finding virginity to be a chronic problem? Somehow, if that's the
case, I've got to believe that taking their dates to the ballet just
isn't the solution ...

As for the "sports-minded men," I think that the average sports-
minded man isn't going to be able to pull of the ballet thing. Just
imagine the conversation in the car on the way home:

"Yeah, that was great. Ya know, when them chicks in the short skirts
came out and started dancing around that guy with the tights, I was
thinkin that it was just like the time Joe Montana was about to be
sacked in that game against [fill in blank], but he found a hole a
completed a pass for [fill in blank]-yard gain--remember that?"

<sigh> "No, not exactly ..."

"And what's the deal with all them guys wearing tights like that?
They gay, or what?"

"Joe Montana wears tights."

"That ain't the same thing. He's got *pads* in his tights."

"Well, I guess you didn't notice, but Julio Bocca doesn't *need*
pads in *his* tights."

"Yeah, well, there's just somethin' wrong with it. I mean, football
players, they hit each other and everything."

"Yeah, on the butt. WHO is gay, here?"

"No, I mean they *hit* each other. Hard. Ya know, like *men*."

"Uh-huh. Seems to me, last time I saw Joe Montana play, he was
RUNNING AWAY from the men who were trying to hit him."

"You just don't understand football ..."

Oh yeah, *that's* going to get him de-virginized, all right ...

Anyway, this was somehow supposed to segue (pronounced "segue," BTW)
into another Holiday Collage--but it didn't (sorry). Nevertheless,
we have yet another seasonal issue--and this one with one repeat (but
it's a real winner).

Shawn takes the credit for "Top Ten Reindeer Complaints," "Holly-Day
Humor," and "Top Ten Least Loved Christmas Stories."

Thanks are due to Carrie for the "Politically-Correct Christmas
Songs."

And kudos for "The Politically-Correct 'Night Before Christmas'" go
to Nancy, who submitted it last season (Collage 13), and Lorraine,
who re-submitted it for this year. It's an oldie, but--if you
haven't yet seen it--it's a goodie.

And, as [almost] always, many thanks to Jim for the news story
that I used in this opener.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Reindeer Complaints

10. When airlines jettison their chemical toilets right in front of
you.

9. Elves who are a little too enthusiastic about putting on our
harnesses

8. Dancer and Prancer always playing Judy Garland records.

7. Santa not letting us off for Jewish holidays

6. Reindeer games tainted with steroids

5. When Santa stretches out the reindeer feed with sawdust

4. The way Rudolph won't let us forget he makes twice as much as
the rest of us.

3. TWO WORDS: Soviet Airspace

2. Swanson's Reindeer Pot pie

1. When Santa hangs around the stable with his shirt off

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Holly-Day Humor

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
A: Snowballs.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Least Loved Christmas Stories

10. Amahl and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling

9.  Sweatiest Angel

8.  Santa's Three-Day Eggnog Bender

7.  Christmas Eve at the All-Male Cinema

6.  A holiday visit from Salmonella

5.  Ironman Mike Tyson hurts Santa real bad

4.  My Christmas Sauna with Burl Ives

3.  Jack Frost Loses the Feeling in his Extremities

2.  I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

1.  The Teddy Bear who Came to Life and Mauled a Retail Clerk

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Politically-Correct Christmas Songs

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in
their belief

2. Embellish interior passageways

3. Vertically-challenged adolescent percussionist

4. Natal celebration devoid of color as a hallucinatory phenomenon
for me

5. Majestic triplet referred to in the first person plural

6. Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival

7. Soundless nocturnal period

8. The Yuletide occurrence preceding all others

9. Precious metal musical devices

10. Omnipotent supreme being who elicits respite to ecstatic
distinguished males

11. Caribou with vermilion olfactory appendage

12. Allow crystalline formations to descend, allow crystalline
formations to descend, allow crystalline formations to descend

13. Jovial Yuletide desired for the second person singular or
plural by us

14. Bipedal traveling through an amazing acreage during the period
between December 21st and March 21st

15. Exclamatory remark concerning a diminutive municipality in
Judea southwest of Jerusalem

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Politically-Correct "Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

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