Collage 187               H u m o u r N e t                4 DEC 95

In a joint announcement by the National Institutes of Health (NIH)
and the Oil Producing and Exporting Countries (OPEC):

   "Light, sweet crude oil" is being replaced by
   a much healthier "Reduced-fat crude oil."

::snip::

Finally, speaking of students' issues, I'd like to welcome you to
the end-of-semester "all-student-humor" Collage! Contributors are
[almost] duly noted as follows:

Scott takes credit for "How to Properly Handle Rejection"--a letter
that hopefully will not be useful to very many of you.

Mike takes credit for "The Sword Cuts Both Ways," an entertaining
account of a rather creative Cambridge student during finals.

"How NOT to Take a Final Exam" currently goes uncredited because ...
well, because I screwed up and lost the sender's name. :-( OTOH, if
the *real* sender contacts me (and I *think* I know who you are :-),
I will be glad to fix this little mistake in the next Collage (and
in the archived version of this Collage). In the meantime, my
apologies--even *my* anal-retentive filing system has its holes.

The "Universal Grade-Change Form" is a quick and easy way to
"correct" those grading errors that instructors invariably make at
the end of every semester. This piece is from Christopher Kline and
the "Humor-L" list at Cornell.

And, for your final-exam-week dining pleasure, Shawn (the Bawdy.Net
moderator) brings us "26 Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order." It was 100
ways, but that was simply unpalatable. :-)

Many thanks to this issue's contributors--including the one I
"missed" (still bummed about that).

Study hard!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: How to Properly Handle Rejection

March 21, 1988

Herbert A Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall
Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank for your leter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to
offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and
promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of
assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward
to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Chris L. Jensen

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Sword Cuts Both Ways ...

I recently heard a story regarding exams at Cambridge. It seems
that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up
and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

The following dialog ensued:

 Proctor: I beg your pardon?
 Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
 Proctor: Sorry, no.
 Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that
 you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year
old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in
effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation
from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and
Ale"

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the
student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping
away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing
a sword to the examination.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: How NOT to Take a Final Exam

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-
affectionately known as "Bonkistry."  He has been around forever, so
I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who where taking
Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the
mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a
solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that
the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on
Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some
friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hang-overs
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after
the final and explained to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had
planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire
on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a
long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and
very proud of their story.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time
Bonk had told them. He placed them in seperate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about
molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they
thought, "this is going to be easy."

They did that problem and then turned the page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page ...

(95 points) Which tire?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Universal Grade-Change Form ...

		UNIVERSAL GRADE-CHANGE FORM

____________________University

To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper got a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied got a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't
get into:

 ______ Law School
 ______Medical School          ______Graduate School
 ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority
 ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.

______5. I'll lose my scholarship.

______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a
copy of your exam.

______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

 ______Males         ______Jews          ______Blacks
 ______Females       ______Catholics     ______Whites
 ______Protestants   ______Moslems       ______Minorities
 ______Chicanos      ______People        ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:

 ______mono                  ______broken baby finger
 ______acute alcoholism      ______pregnancy
 ______VD                    ______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

 ______too detailed to pick out important points
 ______not explained in sufficient detail
 ______too boring
 ______all jokes and not enough material
 ______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

 ______too early, I was not awake.
 ______at lunchtime, I was hungry
 ______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book,
notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other___________________________________________________

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 26 Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order (was 100)

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
conversation."

5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
and you're going with the lowest bidder.

6. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang
up.

7. Answer their questions with questions.

8. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

9. Tell him to put the crust on top this time.

10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

11. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

15. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if he
called you.

16. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If he asks if
you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

17. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him to cheer you up.

18. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

19. Change your accent every three seconds.

20. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if he needs
paper.

21. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
"Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

22. Start your order with "I'd like ... " A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."

23. If he repeats the order to make sure he has it right, say
"OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

24. Rent a pizza.

25. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

26. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When he says yes, heave
a sigh of relief.

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