Collage 188               H u m o u r N e t                5 DEC 95

First item of business: I screwed up my listproc syntax yesterday.
::snip::

Of course, some days are worse than others. I'm one of those people
who, for the most part, is useless before 10:00 a.m. or so. (Okay,
there are people who'd argue that I'm STILL useless *after* 10:00,
but we'll just disregard them. :-) Every once in a while, I have to
attend an early (i.e., before 10:00) meeting, which is always a
trying experience for me.

Well, a couple of years ago, I had an 0830 meeting. :-( I knew it
was going to be rough, so I figured I'd stop at the McDonald's
drive-thru for a cup of coffee ...

Now, bear in mind here that it was very early in the morning for me.

So, I drive up to the little kiosk where you place your order. Well,
actually, where you TRY to place your order -- by communicating, via a
speaker that is of just slightly lower quality than that which is
commonly found in the average children's toy, with someone who's
been in the U.S. for about three weeks and recently failed "English
as a Second Language" for the third time.

(I'm stalling.)

Okay, I'm sitting at the ordering kiosk, and I hear the order-taker
say, "Welcome to McDonald's; can I take your order?"

I order a large coffee.

Oddly, I hear the order-taker again: "Welcome to McDonald's; can I
take your order?"

Once again, I order a large coffee. Once again, the "Welcome to
McDonald's ..." bit, this time followed by a couple of "Hello?"
queries.

By now, I'm looking for the camera, only I'm not surprised to find
it, because I'm at a drive-thru, and there are *always* cameras out
there.

Well, lucky thing I looked around, because I noticed that the *real*
ordering kiosk was about twenty feet in front of me; I was parked at
the garbage can.

(I'm really not a morning person.)

I don't have to tell you that this really happened; no one could
actually _make_up_ a story like this. Nor could anyone _make_up_
stories like the first two in this "Stories" Collage. The first
few pieces are (ostensibly) real-life accounts, and the last two
are just the usual fare of story-style humor:

Many thanks to JD in New Jersey for "How to Confuse Your Local Air-
Traffic Controllers."

Sue takes credit for providing us with the "No Brainer" piece.

The still-ever-prolific Lorraine brings us "More Hot-Line Humor."

And Sergio A. gets the kudos for "Please Read the Directions
Carefully" and the "Great New Weight Loss Method." (This last one is
perhaps a little risque--but hey, every once in a while I receive a
contribution that just *has* to be run...)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: How to Confuse Your Local Air-Traffic Controllers

As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is
somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the
late 1970's. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances
since, at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction
the incident occurred.

There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of
Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the
local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing
her cat from a tree. Since this was a "questionable" call, the
fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he
wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department,
since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the
volunteers to respond.

The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to
support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men
back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the
firefighters suggested an alternate course of action. Two of the
firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough
to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.

The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to
bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it
was within his reach.

The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.

The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls ... (and was never seen again)

This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: No Brainer

My friend Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and
while she was there she went to the store. She parked the car in
the lot, next to a car with a woman sitting in it--with her eyes
closed and her hands behind her head. This woman looked odd to
Linda, but Linda figured the woman must just be sleeping.

When Linda came out a little while later, she saw the same woman in
her car, with her eyes open, but her hands still behind her head.
The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and
said, "Are you okay?"

The woman said, "I have been shot in the head, and I am holding my
brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store and the
supermarket called the paramedics. They had to break into the car
because the door was locked. When they got in the car, they found
that she had bread dough on the back of her head, and in her hands.

Apparently, a Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded in the heat
of the car (making a loud explosion like that of a gun shot), and
part of the cannister hit her in the back of the head. When she
reached back to feel what had hit her, she felt the dough, and
thought it was her brains.

She passed out from fear at first; then, when she "came to," she
attempted to keep her brains from falling out.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Hot-Line Humor
By Bussell

Here are some for real questions we've gotten over the years at my
job--an answer-all-kinds-of-questions phone service at the
University of Kansas, known as KUInfo. Questions range from the
academic to the obscure. We generally try to answer everything, but
sometimes--well, you'll see ...

"KUinfo."
"When's the midnight movie?"

"Information Center"
"Do I have to drop a class that I have been disenrolled in?"

"KUInfo."
"Is the computer center open today?"
"Yes, all day."
"So it's open 24 hours?"
"Yes, all day."
"So, when does it close?"

"Information."
"Can you tell me what the homework assignment is in the class I
missed today?"

"KUInfo"
"Hello. Could you give me the phone number of my instructor? His
last name is STAFF."

"Information Center."
"Who is Frederich (and then spelling slowly) N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E?"
"Oh, you mean Nietzche, the famous German philosopher."
"So he's just a philosopher then?"
"Well, I wouldn't say just ... I mean he's fairly important in
Western thought"
"So if I used his name in a paper the professor would know who I'm
talking about?"
"Yes," and thinking, "I certainly hope so."

"KU info"
(Voice sounds like he's exploring alternate minds states.)
"Yeah, like, can you tell me how many electrons are in the light
coming from the Statue of Liberty?"
"No."
"Come on man, I really need to know."
So I sent him to a professor in Physics and Astronomy. Later the
same caller called back:
"Wow, he was great! He told me everything."

"KUInfo."
"What state does Calvin and Hobbes take place in?"
"A comic state."
"Okay, thanks."
"No, wait....."

"Information Center"
"I was wondering what I had for dinner."

"KUinfo"
"Do all wine commercials have to be accompanied by classical music?
I mean, is it a law, or is it just a convention?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Please Read the Directions Carefully ...

There's this newcomer to the Alaskan land. He decides to go to a
bar where he meets up with a bunch of guys who are just partying.
He asks if he can join, and one of them replies, "Yeah, but only if
you go through the initiation."

The man answers, "Sure. What do I have to do?"

So one of the guys from the group says, "First, you have to drink
two bottles of Vodka, then wrestle with a bear, and then have sex
with a squaw." (an Indian chick)

So the guy goes up to the bartender, asks for two bottles of vodka,
and downs them. After he's finished the vodka, the group watches
him turn and go out the door ...

Three hours later, he comes back, all scratched up and bleeding. He
goes up to one of them and asks, "Okay, now where's that squaw I
have to wrestle?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Great New Weight Loss Method

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet,
the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a
small ad that read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on
the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and
we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and
wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying
himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds,
right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end
asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the
somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit
card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in
the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the
door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed
only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you
catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this
time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost
another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he
called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How
much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to
lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit
card number, you just have your representative over here in the
morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on
some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the
door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck
stating,

"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

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