Collage 189               H u m o u r N e t                6 DEC 95

From the AP news wire, 20 Nov 95:

"More than 150,000 people will be eligible to practice law in
California if all of the 4,239 who passed the July bar exam are
sworn in as lawyers, the State Bar said Monday."

As if there aren't already enough of them ...

"The state now has [146,500] lawyers on ...  the bar.  To take part
in swearing-in ceremonies next month, applicants must pass the bar's
character review ...

Huh?

"... and a separate exam on the rules of professional conduct."

Hold it right there. We're supposed to believe that lawyers (in CA)
are expected to pass a CHARACTER REVIEW *and* a test on PROFESSIONAL
CONDUCT? Moreover, we're supposed to believe that nearly 150,000 of
them have already DONE SO?

These have *got* to be two rather easy tests ...

CHARACTER REVIEW: (You must score at least 75 points to pass)

1. (100 points) What was the lead character's name in the movie,
"Ace Ventura, Pet Detective"?

2. (50 points each) Name either of the lead characters in the movie,
"Thelma and Louise."

3. (100 points) "Life experiences" have been known to build: (pick one)
  a. CHARACTER
  b. Bridges
  c. The Great Wall of China

PROFESSIONAL CONDUCT: (You must score at least 75 points to pass)

1. (75 points) Your name:

2. (100 points) Someone pokes his eye out while trying to remove a
contact with a No. 2 pencil. You:
  a. FILE SUIT AGAINST THE PENCIL COMPANY FOR NOT PUTTING A LARGE
     WARNING ON THE SIDE OF THE PENCIL STATING THAT IT CAN BE
     HAZARDOUS TO USE THE PENCIL FOR CONTACT REMOVAL.
  b. Suggest he find the scarecrow and ask to borrow his brain.
  c. Explain the [rather high] probability of his going completely
     blind should he try to remove the other contact in the same
     manner.
  d. Explain to him the stupidity of his actions--without using the
     words "idiot," "fool," or "numb-nuts."

3. (100 points) A private pilot, flying his 30-year-old Cessna, runs
out of fuel and crashes the aircraft. He has sustained severe injuries
and requires several years of rehabilitation. You:
  a. FILE SUIT AGAINST THE AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURER, ALLEGING FAULTY
     FUEL GAUGES.
  b. Suggest he learn to recognize the difference between "E" and "F."
  c. Suggest that he tape a message to the yoke of his _next_
     aircraft, reminding him to fill the tanks before takeoff.
  d. Suggest that maybe--just MAYBE--piloting isn't for everyone.

(Okay, so maybe the exams aren't quite that difficult.)

The article goes on to say that, "They can also be disqualified for
being behind in child support or spousal support payments."

I guess that's why Randall Terry never went into law.
(See Collage 128 for an explanation of that one.)

The article states that the bar exam--which the lawyers-to-be must
pass BEFORE they get to the chillingly difficult character reviews
and professional-conduct exams--consists of essay questions on legal
problems, a "performance" test designed to measure such skills as
research and client counseling, and a multiple-choice test that is
given nationwide.

... and Johnny Cochran passed it. :-)

Finally, we are told that, "... California scores on the multiple-
choice test were above the national average."

Well, of course; after all, we have Arkansas to help with the curve.
(Many thanks to Jim in L.A. for the news story.)

And we have lawyers 'round the world to help justify "Lawyer Humor."
Collage 189 opens with a seasonally-correct lawyers' version of
"Twas the Night Before Christmas," with many thanks to the ever-
prolific Lorraine. (That particular poem has been getting a lot of
mileage lately; several more forms of it will be appearing in
upcoming Collages.)

Lorraine also takes credit for the "Lawyers at Work" and "Experts v.
Lawyers v. Judges" pieces.

Shawn King, the Bawdy.Net moderator, takes credit for "Keeping
Priorities Straight," "One Less Lawyer," "Dilemmas," and "More on
Lawyer Integrity."

And finally, Sergio provides us with the "More Lawyer Q-N-A" piece.

Enjoy! (But don't sue me if you don't like it ...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Litigious Night Before Christmas

'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Attorney's Version)
Excerpted from the NEA Journal, December 1960

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in arctic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lawyers at Work

It is against the law:

1.  In Michigan to hitch a crocodile to a fire hydrant.

2.  To raise chickens in bottles in New Jersey.

3.  To drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Blvd.  at
one time.

4.  To paint a horse in Vermont.

5.  To wear suspenders in Nogles, AZ.

6.  To swim during the daytime in a pool or river within the city
limits of Durango, CO

7.  For lions to run wild in the streets of Alderson, WV.

8.  For pigeons to fly over Bellevue, KY.

9.  To whistle for a lost canary before 7 am in Berkeley, CA.

10.  To slurp soup in New Jersey.

11.  To knock on doors or ring doorbells in Barker, NJ.

12.  To pass a cow in Pine Island District, MN, without tipping your
hat.

13.  To buy a bag of peanuts after sunset and before sunrise the
next day in Alabama.

14.  To take a bath in the wintertime in Indiana.

15.  To throw shoes at weddings in Colorado.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Experts v. Lawyers v. Judges

Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who
go along learning more and more about less and less until they know
practically everything about nothing.

Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about
many things and keep learning less and less about more and more
until they know practically nothing about everything.

Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything
but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant
association with experts and lawyers.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Keeping Priorities Straight

Q: Saddam Hussein, Mohamar Qadafi and their lawyer are seated before
   you. You have a gun with 2 bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: One Less Lawyer

The old man was critically ill.  Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer.

"I want to become a lawyer.  How much is it for that express degree
you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said, "But why?  You'll be dead soon, why
do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business!  Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree.  His lawyer was at
his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was
clear that this would be the end.  Still curious, the lawyer leaned
over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted
to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said:  "One
less lawyer."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dilemmas

1.  Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning
building.  You have time to do only one thing.

Dilemma:  Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

2.  A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services.  The man paid
him with crisp new $100 bills.  After the client left, the lawyer
discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid
by $100.

Dilemma:  Should he tell his partner?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More on Lawyer Integrity

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.  The lawyer
said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned
was destroyed by the fire.  The insurance company paid for
everything."

"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because
my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused.  "How do you start a flood?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Lawyer Q-N-A

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q:  What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q:  What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished
skunk in the road?
A: The vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

And one more dilemma:

A lawyer and an IRS agent are both drowning, and you can only save
one of them ...

Dilemma: Do you go to lunch or read the paper?

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