Collage 190               H u m o u r N e t                7 DEC 95

And another gem off the AP news wire:

"In Santa Cruz, California, a counter-culture tobacco store pulled a
television commercial showing a drunken, gun-toting Santa Claus bent
on committing suicide.  The commercial, which ran on MTV, showed
Santa on top of the store, a bottle of gin in one hand and a gun in
the other."

Hey, if *I* had Santa's job, I'd be a suicidal drunk, too ...

"'I might as well be dead,' Santa cries, lamenting that the store
has better items than he does.  A crowd below cheers and then the
viewer hears a gun go off.  Santa's clothes drift to the ground."

I really have to wonder whether there are people who actually get
*paid* to do this sort of thing. (No, not dress in Santa suits and
stand on tops of buildings--I'm talking about writing commercials
like these and receiving *money* in exchange.)

Either way, it looks like *that* Santa won't be coming to town this
year...

But there are plenty of others who are ready to take his place--and
several of them are making their HumourNet debuts here in Collage 190,
which features three *more* versions of "'Twas the Night Before
Christmas" (as if we haven't seen enough of them already):

  "'Twas The Night Before Finals" and "'Twas the Night Before
  Christmas, Brooklyn Version" are credited to Lorraine.

  "'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Geek Version" is credited to
  someone who prefers to be called "Mr. Grumpy." (Note that I am
  making an exception here, not starting a trend.)

Kudos for the "Twelve Bugs of Christmas" piece go to Lorraine.

Finally, many thanks to Duncan for the "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
piece.

Oversights:
A very big "thanks!" to Jim in L.A., who provided today's news story
*and* Collage 189's *and* Collage 186's (my oversights)--as well as
most of the other news stories that I use as opener fodder. Also, I
owe *another* belated "thanks!" to Sergio A., who provided the "How
NOT to Take a Final Exam" piece (also known as the "Which tire?"
piece) in Collage 187.

Hopefully, this clears my "belated thanks" buffer. Heh--hopefully,
this Collage *also* clears the "'Twas the Night Before" buffer ...

Merry bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: 'Twas The Night Before Finals

'Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last-minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking.

In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his book,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy;
My eyes went ablur,
And I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded,
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades earned in school.

When all of a sudden
Our door opened wide
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
But summoning effort
He started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss
To toss back at teachers
What they toss at us?

On Cliff Notes!  On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last-Minute Crams!"

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night:

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best...
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Brooklyn Version
by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti

'Twas da night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.

When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "Ay! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Eddie, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Geek Version

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
   annual Yuletide celebration,
And throughout our place of residence,
Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
   potential,
Including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
   woodburning caloric apparatus,
Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent
   visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
   appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...

<thankfully truncated>

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Twelve Bugs of Christmas

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Santa Claus is Coming to Town ... And He's a Unix Geek!

(It turns out you know more Unix than you think you do ...)

you better !pout !cry
you better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole>town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
         be good
}

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