Collage 191               H u m o u r N e t                8 DEC 95

I'm sorry. I try to resist these things. I try hiding the messages
away in the darkest, dustiest corners of my scratch disk. But,
eventually, the pressure builds up, and--for the sake of my nearly-
trusty-if-only-the-Web-server-wouldn't-crash-so-much Macintosh--I am
forced to occasionally do the unthinkable.

Yes, it's another "Star Trek" Collage.

Look, I don't like it any more than you do. But under the "Equal
Humor Opportunity Act" of 1979, I *must* give equal time.

Personally, it's not the humor that's so bad, but the people. :-)
Really! There's nothing worse than being "phasered" on the D.C.
subway. (I really hate it when the convention comes to Washington.)

And it's *especially* bad if you're an engineer. A little over a
year ago, I was giving a presentation on my M.S. thesis research--
basically, highly technical and even *more* highly boring. ;-)

After the talk, one of the non-technical members of the audience came up
to me to discuss the presentation. After a brief exchange of
formalities, she said, "Oh, and I really liked the part about Star
Trek."

<dumb_look on face> "The part about Star Trek?"

"Yeah ... the part where you talked about the phasers."

</dumb_look> "Um, well, [insert explanation]."

She was referring to a part of the talk in which I discussed
"phasors"--a mathematical construct that is used to model a rotating
vector. (Yeah, right.) Ever since then, I can't discuss phasors in a
technical setting without thinking about ...

Star Trek. :-(

And now YOU won't be able to read [yet *another* version of--you
guessed it!] "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" without thinking of
Star Trek.

Yes, someone has managed to combine two topics I was really hoping
we wouldn't see ever again (or, at least, any time soon):

"Star Trek" and "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."

Many thanks (I guess :-) to Lorraine for that one. But the pain
doesn't stop there. This is starting to feel like the "Ginsu Knife"
commercial: "But WAIT! You also get ... "

"Star Trek" and "Dr. Seuss."

Mucho kudos (I guess :-) to Amy for the Dr. Seuss piece.

And finally, for those of you who are thankfully unfamiliar with
everything Trek (perhaps you've been living under a rock in, say,
another solar system), Mark provides us with "'Trek' Lingo Made
Easy," your guide to getting up to worp speed before the next "Trek"
convention.

Do me a favor, though. If it's held in Washington, *please* don't
phaser me on the subway.

Thanks. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--For those of you who live in/near D.C.: The thing I keep
referring to as the "subway" really is the "Metro."
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: "Trek" Lingo Made Easy

By Andy Franklin
University of Wisconsin Badger Herald Staff Writer

Every week I dedicate a little bit of my time to keep you, my loyal
readers, up to date on Star Trek matters. However, in my never-
ending quest for market share supremacy (and my, isn't the Star Trek
writer's market saturated), I realized I may need to be more
accessible to my potential viewer base. After all, if I'm ever
going to control the minds of those weak-spined drones, I need to be
more approachable. So today I've provided a kind of glossary, that
is to say a dictionary or thesaurus, of popular Star Trek terms.
I'm sure this will help get the Trek virgin up to speed.

1. "Enterprise"--vehicle by which a bold scientific crew seeks out
new life forms to sell trashy "collector's items" to.

2. "Inertial Dampening"--what happened to Kirk's career.

3. "Saucer Separation"--medical symptoms brought on by Earl Grey
withdrawal. See "Picard, Jean-Luc."

4. "Picard, Jean-Luc"--oxymoron: French guy, British Accent.

5. "Time Warp"--a loop of time, in which actions ceaselessly
repeat themselves. e.g.: every episode of Star Trek. Synonym: "Replicator."

6. "Wormhole"--evasive and uncertain manner through which writers
explain themselves out of unresolvable plot climaxes.

7. "Black Hole"--investment/loss ratio based on Voyager's ratings.

8. "Anti-Matter"--describes average fan's remaining brain cells.

9. "VISOR"--what Picard uses to prevent scalp sunburn.

10. "Transporter Chief"--drunkard with Irish accent. Not to be
confused with "Chief Engineer"--drunkard with Scottish accent.

11. "Nexus"--shampoo and conditioner for bald starship captains.

12. "Genesis Planet"--where dead plot ideas come to life once
again.

13. "Cloaking Device"--1. What Riker needs to hide his growing
waistline. 2. Shatner's wig.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Twas the Night Before Christmas, Star Trek Version

'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing,
not one microchip;

The phasers were hung
in the armory securely,
In hopes that no aliens
would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled
all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who
were partying drunks);

And Picard in his nightshirt
and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down
for a neat face-to-face...

When out in the halls
there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds,
pulling on pants and jacket.

Away to the lifts
we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars
and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights,
which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades
to objects within.

When, what, on the viewscreen,
our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh,
and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes
was so strange and askew
That we knew in a moment
it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew much larger
as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge
and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker! It's Data!
It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley,
the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge,
to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away!
Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn
are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge
came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling
our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out,
"What the hell is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed
and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers,
he vanished again.

As we took in our plight
and were looking around,
The spell was removed,
and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur
from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again,
to continue the show.

"That's enough!" cried the captain,
"You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf!
Take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc,"
replied Q,
"I just want to celebrate
Christmas with you."

As we scoffed at his words,
he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents
and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said,
"just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful
for everyone here."

He sat on the floor
and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts
with his most charming smile:

"For Counsellor Troi,
there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta
for all of your pain.

For Worf I've some mints
as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge,
an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones,
and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data, a joke book;
for Riker, a truss.

For Beverly Crusher,
there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill
of just seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet
with that grin on his face
And clapping his hands,
disappeared into space.

But we heard him exclaim
as he worped out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good flight!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Dr. Seuss

If Dr. Seuss wrote for "Star Trek: The Next Generation" ...

[Picard]
Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

[Data]
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

[Picard]
LaForge, please give us factor nine.

[LaForge]
But, sir, the engines are offline!

[Picard]
Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

[Riker]
But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!

[Picard]
But surely we must not be late!

[Troi]
I'm sensing anger and great ire.

[Computer]
Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

[Picard]
The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

[Riker]
Not me.

[Worf]
Not me.

[Picard]
Computer, how long til we die?

[Computer]
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

[Data]
May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...

[Geordi]
Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

[Picard]
Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

[Troi]
We still must save the Indran planet --

[Data]
Which (by the way) is made of granite...

[Picard]
Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

[Geordi]
There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.

[Riker]
We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

[Troi]
We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

[Worf]
Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

[Troi]
Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

[Crusher]
Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

[Picard]
Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

[Crusher]
They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

[Worf]
The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

[Picard]
Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

[Worf]
I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

[Riker]
My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

[Crusher]
Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

[Picard]
LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

[Geordi]
Yes, sir, we can.

[Picard]
Then make it so!

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</collage191>