Collage 192               H u m o u r N e t               10 DEC 95

The total number of Homo Sapiens on our already overcrowded planet
continues to increase at a very alarming rate.

Even more disturbing is that the total intelligence on the planet
seems to be a constant. :-)

See for yourself:

SACRAMENTO (AP) - A former California State University student who
said he was traumatized by a sexually-explicit lecture and slide
show filed a lawsuit Thursday for an unspecified amount of money.

Craig Rogers, who has since graduated, contended that the lecture
last fall about female masturbation amounted to sexual harassment.

Rogers said the lecture and slide show included "how to" tips on
masturbation ...

(I guess he felt he didn't need any more pointers.)

... showed children's genitals ...

(ACK! Well, certainly, one must be a fully-licensed *parent* to view
any of *those*!)

... and denigrated male sex organs.

(Uh, Craig ... ? Are we maybe just a wee bit (pun intended :-)
hypersensitive here?)

Clearly, this could be used as a sign that there is no intelligent
life down here. And Sergio provides us with ten *more* signs that
the intellectual proletariat are in charge of this operation; many
thanks to him for the "No Intelligent Life" piece.

Following on the theme, Adam (from Adam's humor list) contributes
a very amusing piece entitled, "Some Guidelines for Bank Robbers."

Shawn sends us "Barbie Dolls [for] Women in the 90s," and Dean
closes Collage 192 with some "California Computer Viruses."

And, as [almost] always, Jim in L.A. takes credit for the news story
in the opener.

Many thanks to our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: No Intelligent Life?

Top Ten Signs that there is no intelligent life in this Universe:

10. Bay Watch

[Editor's Note: Who *needs* intelligence when you've got "Bay Watch"?
:-) </vs>]

9. Three words...Beta Video Format

8. Social security system set up so that you are too old to enjoy
not working by the time you retire

7. Frequent Elvis sightings

6. Three words ... World Wrestling Federation

5. Two words ... Rush Limbaugh

4. Can't even make a decent pair of gloves to fit O.J.

[Editor's Note: Shouldn't this have been #1? </vs>]

3. Infomercials & Telemarketers

2. Chia pet

1. Hot dogs aren't made to fit buns and vice versa

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Some Guidelines for Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about
their business. This information was included in an interesting,
amusing article entitled "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark,
which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that, despite the widespread use of surveillance
cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent
never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no
long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this
advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can
happen if the guidelines aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the
lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank
that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand,
you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California
robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him
in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder
to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man
out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a
restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked
him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her
father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat
on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on
the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in
Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another
in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal
slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y.,
tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at
his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a
teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in
this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The
robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared
mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the
cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities
a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California
tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the
windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to
themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in
Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air
Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and,
thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This
resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of
Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains,
Clark points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as
bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I.,
robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt
pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was
the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the
teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious
when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and
1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69
percent of the bank holdups reported.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Barbie Dolls to Represent the Diversity of Women in the 90s

DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories)

TEENAGE SINGLE-PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed
each month)

CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate
crack cocaine)

BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels)

LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)

LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from
regular Barbie)

BULEMIC BARBIE (also no different in appearance from regular Barbie,
but push her tummy and she barfs)

BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain)

QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)

SMART BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen)

PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)

BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup)

FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaven legs and armpits)

BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to
Ken)

BOBBITT BARBIE (with knife--Ken had better watch out)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: California Computer Viruses

We've got a few more "unique" strains of viruses out here in
California.  (Don't worry--most require a warm, polluted,
overpopulated climate to survive.)

San Andreas Virus--computer shakes violently for about 20-45
seconds.  Occasional shaking occurs randomly for the next few
months.

Zuma Beach Virus--"duuude" gets appended to all text files.

405 Virus--the hard drive slows to a crawl whenever user is in a
hurry.  No effect when time is of no consequence.

Smog Alert Virus--soundcard emits a choking sound and monitor
becomes bloodshot.

King Virus--LAPD come by and beat the crap out of your computer.

NFL Virus--all data in LA is uploaded to other cities.

Beach Dwellers Virus--machine looks great but CPU doesn't work.  Not
to be confused with the...

Valley Girl Virus--machine has all the lastest icons but CPU doesn't
work.  Also, computer wants to go the mall--a lot.

Rodeo Drive Virus--Land lines no longer work.  A cellular modem is
now required.  All periphials need to be upgraded to most expensive
models available.

Hipster Virus--all data transmitted via a pager.

Teenage Virus--machine spends enourmous amounts of time on-line,
wants to drive the car.  Also note that machine becomes either
inactive and quiet OR loud and disagreeable in presence of adults.
(Warning--this virus not limited to Southern California!)

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