Collage 193               H u m o u r N e t               12 DEC 95

'Twas the month before Christmas
And Vince wants to curse ...
How to Humour a 'Net
whose tastes are diverse?

(I'll spare you the rest.)

Here's the dilemma: I have a massive pile of "'Twas the Night
Before Christmas" poems. (These things are multiplying faster than
caffeinated bunny rabbits.) Judging by the mail I've received, many
of you seem to like these little ditties--but then, many you also
watch "Melrose Place," so I really can't use you as a basis for
judgment. :-) OTOH, I've also received "Please, no more 'Night
Before'" messages from a couple of list members--but, in all
likelihood, one or both of them is a *Geraldo* fan.

So, you see the dilemma: I can't decide if "Melrose Place" is worse
than Geraldo. (Hard to imagine *anything* being worse than Geraldo,
but MP just might do it.)

This is especially tricky given the major "life" decision that I
made this week: since receiving all these "'Twas ..." poems, I've
decided to dedicate my life to compiling the definitive collection
of "'Twas The Night Before Christmas" variations. And so far, I'm
doing pretty well, with just about 50KB of TTNBC poems.

"But should I send them to the list?"

<think think think> <reach decision>

"Melrose Place" is worse. But only slightly.

So, here's what I've decided to do: The definitive collection of
TTNBCs (actually, I should thank Scott for the acronym--but I won't,
because I would have started using it on my own, anyway :-) can be
accessed from HumourNet's web page (URL in trailer). But since the
web server is still "iffy" at best, I've placed them on the usually-
reliable-as-long-as-the-web-server-hasn't-crashed-Colossus-yet
FTP site.

Some of TTNBCs have appeared in Collages, some have not. The "geek"
version in the file is the unabridged TTNBC from Collage 190. And
since no collection could *possibly* call itself "definitive"
without the _original_ TTNBC, the file also contains THAT version
(although the juxtaposition is almost shameful :-).

All attributions (that I have) are included. If you have another
TTNBC that is not shown here, please send it to me, and I will
include it along with an attribution. (Per my job as moderator,
I must reserve the right to reject any submission.)

Also, if some kind soul with a lot of spare time on his hands could
"downcase" the programmer's version, I'd really appreciate it (and
I'll include an attribution for that service, also).

IN OTHER NEWS:

I finally started writing out my Christmas cards, but I ran into
several big snags where HumourNet is concerned:

1. I don't know most of your snail-mail addresses.
2. I don't know [most of] your religious affiliations.
3. I didn't buy enough cards.

Luckily, the Media Lab at MIT solved the entire problem for me.
Those of you with Web access can point your browsers at:

http://postcards.www.media.mit.edu/Postcards/

When you get there, select the "Pickup Window," and type in your
claim number:

HumourNet.1954406

Then press "Submit Claim," and--about two days later, for those of
you on slow links--it will display a Holiday Greeting Card, with a
message from your HumourNet moderator (that's me :-).

Those of you without Web access will just have to settle for this
somewhat reduced-bandwidth (abridged) version:

"Happy Holidays!"

Note: The postcard will be available for viewing until around New
Year's Eve (or so). Apologies in advance for the postcard picture
that I selected, but I really needed a card that was at least
*somewhat* politically correct (yeah, I know, I'm giving in--but at
least I'm not selling out :-). It's the price we must pay for
political correctness.

And Duncan (from Spacenet) presents us with another example of the
high cost of political correctness, with the politically-correct
version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

Yup, it's another "Holiday Humor" Collage, with credits acknowledged
as follows:

Kudos to Shawn for "Top Ten Least-Safe Holiday Gifts for Kids."

Sergio takes credit for "Ten Things That Sound Dirty on Christmas
(But Aren't)"

JD sends us two repeats: "The Present" (Collage 35) and "Renewing
Santa's Commercial License" (Collage 1).

And, finally the "Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid"
(Collage 15) is direct from David Letterman's Top Ten list.

Many thanks to this issue's contributors.

Merry bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Twelve Days of Christmas--Politically-Correct Version :-(

Sung, if possible, to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas":

(last verse)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midwinter festival,
my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warriors through ritual
drumming.

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-
products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal
products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,

(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
carcasses

AND A Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Least-Safe Holiday Gifts for Kids

10. Learning About Plutonium Kit

9. First Steps Mountaineering Gear

8. Leggo, Build Your Own Brooklyn Set

7. Kidco PogoStick/Knife Toy

6. Sandpaper Sit and Spin

5. Ken and Barbie's Inner-City Crack Doll House

4. Dirty Needles Collection Set for Kids

3. G.I. Joe Flame-Thrower Kit

2. "100 Fun Ways to Tease a Guard Dog"

1. Acme Corp. Parachute Kit

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ten Things That Sound Dirty on Christmas (But Aren't)

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. Nice Balls!

8. Check out Rudolph's honker.

7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can clean underneath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end 'till it's real sharp and pointy.

3. From here, you con't tell if they're artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against a wall.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Present

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new
sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the
right note, romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to Nordstrom's and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items. The sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been
wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had
her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were
there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands
will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the
coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Charles

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Renewing Santa's Commercial License

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night
freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a
shotgun standing next to his rig.

Santa asked him why he was there.

The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135
inspection. I'll ride right seat."

Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this
flight for over 700 years--but if you insist, well, let's go."

As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA
inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap,
with his finger on the trigger. Santa asked, "What's the shotgun
for?"

The FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
(From David Letterman)

10. Letter to North Pole comes back stamped "Dream On, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for Shipping and
Handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed

5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list

4. Sends him off on one of those Carnival cruises with Kathy Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and
I'll put the hurt on ya."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read, "Straight From Craptown"

1. Four words: "Off my lap, tubby!"

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage193>