Collage 194               H u m o u r N e t               13 DEC 95

(Re: recently-distributed admin message) Since I'm on a roll with
distasteful topics, I decided that today's Collage should be yet
ANOTHER collection of ...

No, not "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" poems (so far, about 50
copies of that file have been DLed, BTW :-), but something EVEN MORE
DISTASTEFUL ...

Windoze '95 Humor.

WAIT!!! Don't hit that "Delete" key! Sure, I know, it's Windoze '95,
and no human should be subjected to such humor (much less the
program) (oh, c'mon, it's a program, not an operating system--ever
heard of DOS?), but some of this stuff is pretty good!

I hit upon the idea this morning while listening to Jack Diamond,
an utterly hilarious morning-show D.J. on MIX 107.3--a local radio
station here in Washington, D.C. He and his similarly-hilarious
(albeit somewhat diminutive :-) sidekick "Bert" were discussing
computers. Seems the recently-self-proclaimed-computer-literate Bert
was very proud of himself for having successfully installed some
software (and a modem) on his mom's Macintosh.

Now, let's not get carried away, here, Bert: IT'S A MACINTOSH! The
average *poodle* can install software and a modem on a Mac. That's
exactly why those of us with small I.Q.s use them ...

(Hey, guys--am I allowed to mention that you are both HumourNet
subscribers, or would the station management object to that? <g>)

However, Bert's Mom subsequently left a message on his answering
machine, stating that her "hard drive had been erased, and all the
files were missing." This provided Jack and Bert--unfortunately, both
members of the great unwashed P.C. proletariat--with an unsurpassed
opportunity to slam the Mac.

Okay, so the Mac-slamming session was really pretty hilarious (and
thankfully brief), but it was at that point that I decided to launch
the retro-slam.

... and I brought out the Big Guns to do it:

Collage 194 opens with Douglas Adams--the author of, among other
things, the _Hitchhiker's_Guide_ series of novels--who has endeavored
to put the release of Windoze '95 into perspective for us. The piece
is presented here as "Douglas Adams on Windows '95." I've removed a
couple of paragraphs, but the entire text can be browsed at:

http://www.umd.umich.edu/~nhughes/dna/stories/adamson95.html

For a similarly-entertaining discourse (also by Douglas Adams) on
Microsoft Word, point your browser at:

http://www.umd.umich.edu/~nhughes/dna/stories/guidetothemac.html

Following Douglas Adams's piece is the "'Star Trek Lost Episodes'
Transcript." This piece was originally submitted--unfortunately,
with a hole in it--by Bill; Tim recently followed up with the
unabridged version. (Yeah, I know, I try to avoid "Trek" material,
but this is really just a cleverly-disguised Windoze slam--and, even
better, it's also a lawyer slam. So it passes.)

And finally, "The Intellectual Proletariat" is provided by the ever-
prolific Lorraine.

Many thanks to this issue's contributors (and also to Jack and Bert
for inspiring yet another All-Windoze-Humor Collage).

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Douglas Adams on Windows '95 (the expurgated version)

WHAT on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other
planets? Abolished war and famine? Have we even devised a better
way of using computers? No. All that's happened is Microsoft has
remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the
Macintosh.

As part of last week's billion-dollar festival of smoke and mirrors,
chairman and chief executive Bill Gates has apparently paid the
Rolling Stones millions for the right to use "Start Me Up," the song
[that] is better known for its catchy refrain, "You make a grown man
cry."

This is a phrase you may hear a lot of over the next few [months] as
millions of people start trying to install Windows 95. Even the
best-designed systems can be a nightmare to upgrade, but whatever
things Microsoft may be famous for, good systems design is not--as
it happens--one of them.

Let's dispel a few myths. There's one which says that the original
PC operating system was a brilliant feat of programming by
boy-genius Gates. It wasn't brilliant and Gates didn't write it.
He acquired it, "shrewdly," from the Seattle Computer Company and
then immediately licensed it on to another, larger, outfit called
IBM. When the IBM PC was launched into a market which had hitherto
been serviced by garage companies named after bits of fruit, it
carried the imprimatur of a world-renowned name and sold a zillion,
making Gates's operating system a world standard.

IBM had failed to realise that any fool could make the boxes, but
the hand that owned the software ruled the world. Big Blue had
given the kid Gates a free ride into the stratosphere and then,
astoundingly, found itself starting to fall away like a discarded
booster rocket. Sadly, this new world software standard was
actually a piece of crap.

MS-DOS, as Gates called it, had started life as QDOS-86, or the
Quick & Dirty Operating System, which told you all you needed to
know about it. A whole generation of people doggedly learned to run
their businesses on a system that was written as a quick lash-up for
hobbyists and hackers. Was there anything better around? Of course.

In the 1970s Xerox had funded a team of the world's top computer
scientists to research the man/machine interface. They devised a
graphical system, using windows, icons and mice.

[Editor's Note: I'd like to thank Matt for the term "WIMP Interface,"
where WIMP stands for "Windows, Icons, Mouse, Pointer." :-) </vs>]

Oddly, Xerox failed to follow this up, and the research was taken up
and brought to market by Apple Computer as the Macintosh. After a
shaky, underpowered start, this machine matured into a well-integrated
system which was not only very powerful, but a real pleasure to use.

The Microsoft line on all this was that windows were for wimps. The
truth was that plain old MS-DOS couldn't actually do them. Graphics,
mice, networking, and a whole lot else, had to be added to the basic
core of QDOS as one afterthought after another, which is why Wintel
computers are so fiendishly complicated to set up and maintain.

Gates, however, had always known which way the future lay, and for
years Microsoft managed the awkward juggling act of rubbishing
Apple's user interface while simultaneously trying to devise
something like it that would fit on top of the bloated clutter that
MS-DOS had become.

::snip two paragraphs::

The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining
armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos
neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second-rate
technology, who led them into it in the first place.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript

[Picard]
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able
to access their command pathways?"

[Geordi]
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker--looks puzzled.]
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data]
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate."

[Picard]
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data]
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
normal operational functions."

[Picard]
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

... A Few Days Later ...

[Data]
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi]
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard]
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."

[Data]
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker]
"Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

[Geordi, "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0%!"

[Picard]
"Data, what do your scanners show?"

[Data]
"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

[Picard]
"Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

[Riker]
"Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

[Geordi]
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands--but each time they
successfully increase resources, I have set up our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something
called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

[Picard]
"How much time will that buy us ?"

[Data]
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi]
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard]
"Identify."

[Data]
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

[Over the ship's speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP "MONOPOLY." WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE
CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

[Data]
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard]
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

[Riker]
"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"

[Data]
"I don't believe that those are humans sir--if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather
briefcases, and are wearing Armani suits"

[Riker]
"Lawyers!!"

[Geordi]
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data]
"True, but apparently some must have survived."

[Riker]
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."

[Data]
"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape.' It
often proves fatal."

[Riker]
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

[Picard]
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch--not even the Borg
deserve that."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Intellectual Proletariat

Albert Einstein is walking by the Pearly Gates one day when St.
Peter, in something of a hurry, grabs him.

"Al, my replacement hasn't arrived yet, and I am late for the weekly
staff meeting with the Big Guy. Can you watch the Gates for me?"

Albert responds, "Sure Pete," (They're all very informal in Heaven,
some new Management thing...) "What do I need to do?"

St. Peter walks Albert over to a small pulpit with a large book on
it and begins, "This book contains all the information you need to
question them. Just ask them a few questions to make sure they meet
our standards and let them in."

Albert agrees and St. Peter bustles off to his staff meeting.

While flipping through the book, Albert notices that amongst the
myriad of information listed by each name is the person's IQ.
Albert decides to test each entrant to see if he/she has lived up to
his potential. Just as Albert decides this, a man walks up. Albert
takes note of his name and his IQ of 190. He begins asking the man
questions about particle physics, space-time, and the nature of the
universe. They have a wonderful discussion, and Albert lets him in.

As Albert continues to peruse the book, a rather scruffy looking
gentleman in a hard hat approaches. Again, taking note of the man's
IQ of 95, Albert begins his questioning. "Hey, have the cubs won a
series yet?" They continue in this vein, discussing football,
Michael Jordan Jr's career, and the merits of spot welding. After a
little while, Albert lets him in as well.

Finally, a rather dim-looking individual approaches. Albert looks
him up and notes his IQ of 65. As the man comes up to the pulpit,
Albert brightens and says, "Ah! I've been waiting for you. What
can you tell me about Windows '95?"

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</collage194>