Collage 195               H u m o u r N e t               14 DEC 95

Chris has raised a good point regarding my request to keep Collages
intact when forwarding or posting them. Sans details, I will modify
the request in this manner: If you would like to forward just a
SMALL PORTION of a Collage, please keep the trailer with it. The
trailer identifies the origin and provides all the necessary info.

Again, thanks for your cooperation. And I appreciate those of you
who responded to the admin note to request clarification of some of
the points or to check whether your forwarding/posting protocol is
acceptable.

Also, you will notice that the delimiters between pieces have
changed; this has been done for similar reason. (The new delimiter
is also more "bandwidth friendly." :-)

Finally, Tom provides the following commentary on my "'Melrose Place'
vs. Geraldo" dilemma (Collage 193):

    "Melrose Place has Heather Locklear in short skirts.
    Geraldo has ... Geraldo (or, at best, two men dressed in drag)."

Well, Tom raises a really good point. However, in defense of my
decision that "Melrose Place" must be worse than Geraldo (albeit
just slightly), I'd like to point out that my decision was based on
the acting ability--not the appearance--of the cast in question.

Let's face it: Geraldo's theatrics are second to none. <nausea tag>

Tom also volunteers this (I think it will help put his message into
better perspective):

     How to catch a Polar Bear:

     1)  Find a secluded patch of ice and dig a hole in it.
     2)  Put peas around the edge of the hole.
     3)  Hide.
     4) When the polar bear walks by and bends over to take a pea,
        run up and kick him in the ice hole.

I cannot begin to describe the magnitude of my appreciation for such
tips. While I've never actually *tried* to catch a polar bear, I'm sure
that this is exactly the method I would choose to employ, should I
ever attempt to make the transition from engineer to Eskimo.

And speaking of all things polar, Collage 195 features more holiday
humor, direct from the North Pole ...

First out of the barrel, Jack takes credit for two very good song
re-writes, "Rudolph Flies For UPS" and "Rusty Chevrolet." (I highly
recommend "Rusty Chevrolet," BTW.)

JD sends us another repeat from the early days of HumourNet (but
well worth the repetition):  "Walkin' Round In Women's Underwear"
(Collage 12).

And finally, "Damn Dog" is presented, with kudos to the ever-prolific
Lorraine.

Many huge thanks to this issue's contributors ... :-)

Merry Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Rudolph Flies For UPS

(Sung, if possible, to "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

Rudolph the Red-Nosed-Reindeer
used to have a steady job.
Then Santa hired a new guy,
a flying mule whose name was Bob.

All of the other Reindeer
used to wonder what he was.
"He'll make us miss our deadlines,
plodding on the way Bob does."

Then One foggy Christmas eve
Santa made a call
"Rudolph with your nose so bright
won't you guide my sleigh tonight."

Then how the Reindeer loved him
as he helped them though the mess.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed-Reindeer
flies a plane for UPS.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rusty Chevrolet
By Da Yoopers

(Sung, if possible, to "Jingle Bells")

<car starting> "C'mon, c'mon!"
<car starting> "C'mon, you can do it!"
<car engine kicking in> "Alright!"
<music starts>

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings.  I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this little rusty Chevrolet!

I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire and it's gettin' hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers to get the car to stop.

Chorus

(Chorus music)

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke?
I have to get to ShopCo to pick up the layaway,
Because Santa Claus is comin' soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

Chorus

Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent ... <fade out>

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Walkin' Round In Women's Underwear"
(From the album "I am Santa Claus" by Bob Rivers and Twisted Radio)

(Sung, if possible, to "Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things--the wife is missin',
Didn't ask--her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes ,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store--there's a teddy,
Little straps--like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress--like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

Lacy things ... Missin',
Didn't ask ... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Damn Dog

A little boy went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he
wanted for Christmas.  The boy answered, "A damn swingset in the
backyard."

"Excuse me?" asked Santa.

"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated the boy.

Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you
something.  Let's try again.  What else do you want?"

The boy answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."

"You have to ask politely!  One more time.  What else do you want
for Christmas?"

The boy thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline
in the front yard."

Santa sighed and set the boy off his lap.  "I'm sorry son, I can't
give anything to someone who talks like you do.  I'm not bringing
you anything for Christmas."

Santa then called the boy's parents over and told them what had
happened.  They apologized profusely, saying they didn't understand
why he talked like that, and they had been trying to break him of
the habit with no luck.

"I know how to stop it," Santa said.  "Don't get him anything for
Christmas.  Just get some dog doo.  Put a pile of dog doo in the
backyard where he wants the swingset, another pile in the side yard
where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where
he wants the trampoline.  That will break him of it."

The parents agreed.

Christmas morning the kid heads downstairs to open his presents.  He
runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in.  He runs
out the side door, looks around, and comes back in.  He runs out the
front door, looks around, and comes back in, looking upset.

"What's wrong, son?" asked his father.  "Didn't Santa bring you
anything?"

The boy answered.  "He brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him!"

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